trust me, nothing's changed

I travelled home by bus today, again. While that was nothing new, this thought was.

 

Okay, it wasn't. The thought was more of a reminder than anything fresh from the oven. But I think it's worth penning it down, just in case in the months or years to come someone within this body of mine will chance upon it and realise new things about a self that lies beyond this body; so here goes.

 

I travelled home by bus today, again. And as the bus moved along the road, I looked up and there it was hanging in the skies on thin threads --- the moon. It wasn't a full moon, nay it was a thin crescent. Yet the lit white-puffy clouds almost gave it a surreal look, like it was a magical halloween night.

 

A thought flew right smack into the head and I was taken back to a distant past, a distant realm. A realm so far, it was an entirely different place. I recall the moments in starlight walking past the vehicles and admiring the beautiful artworks of the Creator both in the skies and the foliage before me. I recall the mornings of beautiful sunrises and the evenings painted an eclectic mix of blues, reds and orange. The blending of colours in the sky was superb and till today, I have not seen anything quite like it. The best part of it, or not, was that I spent it all alone.

 

Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. No one likes to be lonely, but everyone likes to be alone at times. I love being alone; it's my time with God; it's also my time with 'me'. So those mornings up and down that ramp, past the vehicles (twice) and into that darn room, yup those were alone times. And I recall the moments when I raise my voice in worship, aloud, and in thanksgiving for the opportunity for starlight. It is still an opportunity I cherish; those remain to be moments I relish.

 

And here I am, travelling home by bus again. I am alone, but not lonely --- or at least the pangs of loneliness had not yet assaulted me. I realise I have not changed a single bit. Here I am, back in the land I call home, the land I grew up in and I just read Connell's book and am somewhat stressed out at the list of things I have to do for just one final year project, I realise I have not changed a single bit; no, not one single bit.

 

I may be alone, but I have grown up alone. I grew up alone fighting for myself; yes I am a fighter. So I shall fight on in this battle with academia. I shall fight on because I have done so for the past years of my life. This is not to say I have no friends to confide in; fact is, I do. But I have conditioned myself all these years to be independent and fight for myself. Alone-ness, yea even loneliness, is no excuse for shit attitudes and shit work; it is defnitely not an excuse to back down and give up.

 

This is me, this is who I am.

late night thoughts

The time is 2am and I'm up talking with the Lord and then I said something to Him that kinda made mre realise only later that it was a good summary of my thoughts for the past few occasions. The line that I said was: 

"I don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do."

And it's true; I don't. At the end of my life, I'm only answerable to God for my time and resources spent and as reminded in Ecc 5, He wants me to really, really enjoy life --- I can't do that if I have no joy in Him! The world demands from me (us) the need/promise for wealth, status and prestige. I've decided to not make those demands from the world my ends but the blessings of God whom I must primarily seek to please first. I simply don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do.

Then I thought of my social location and position:

One of the greatest social injustice is the privileged recognising their privileged position as the norm; just how myopic can any fool get?

I cannot, cannot take it when people in privileged positions assume that their choices are the norm and everyone else should follow them. Those who fail to conform to that 'norm' is deemed weird and somewhat undesirable. I don't deny that getting a prestigious scholarship or going to a prestigious college overseas promises great rewards, but if the scholarship, college and its subesquent promises of wealth, status and prestige become the ends, then I highly urge one to reconsider their decision in the light of His Word. It is a social injustice because we use these wealth, status and privilege for ourselves instead to returning some to the dis-privileged --- I intentionally use that word because there are kids halfway around the globe who have their privileges stolen from them.

Don't you dare give me this crap that "I should go overseas because my friends are there" or even "cause it's cool".

Relationships.

So here's the deal about relationships: I'm not opposed to them amongst youths, I'm just not completely for them. Here's why.

(1) This just ain't the right season.

(2) Not many at that age are ready for marriage anyway.

(3) For the boys-men, girls are not meant to be our trophies for us to brag about.

(4) For friends getting attached, in the event of a break-up the group is forced to take sides which leads to the fragmentation of the once-tight-knit group of friends.

(5) All of the above just ain't gonna bring God the glory He deserves.

--------------------------------

I ain't jealous; instead I'm sorrowful.

If we believe that God has great plans for us, why can't we recognise too then that He has great plans for us in the area of our marriage and relationships?

beginning thoughts of the intern

I started my summer internship yesterday, 21 May 2012 at St Andrews Secondary School.

All I can say or describe the experience is --- I am very, very blessed; and for the following reasons

(1) My teaching supervisor is damn ups.

(2) The staff here are exceedingly, unashamedly friendly --- always taking the first initiative to make us newbies feel terribly at home.

(3) I have been tasked to teach (already!) English Oral tomorrow because my supervisor wants me to experience all forms and styles of teaching... this kind of supervisor WHERE TO FIND?!

(4) I have been tasked to prepare the slides and be part of a mega-project.

So thus far, the experience has been WOW.

There is indeed so, so much to thank God for.

Yet this morning, as I walked towards the bus stop to catch the bus to the station, I prayed and was reminded of Matthew 6:33 which says "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you".

What struck me was the placement of this verse in context to the rest of Jesus's sermon on the mount. The preceding verses all speak of Sovereign God's providence for us, His children. We are worth so much more than the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, and if He provides for His creation, surely He will provide so much more for us!

So as I begin to consider (more) seriously now the prospects of working in this profession, here I am reminded of one's vocation as a calling. Even as I take on the abovementioned roles, duties and tasks, I don't want to amass for myself treasures --- yes, that which includes good impressions and/or praises and acclaim from others. And even as I think about the salaries offered - practical stuff - I don't want to do/ not do this solely because of the material benefits.

Surely my God is more than enough to meet all of my needs according to His riches and glory! 

One then understands the summary of the quoted chapter; it says "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles" (v.34).

Come to think of it, the hymn we sang today is amusingly...

"He's able! He's able!

I know He's able!

I know my God is able

to carry me through"

WHAT A (COHERENT) JOY! :D

Just a couple of hours ago, I received a call.

the call.

The way to social change is not to change, even revolutionise, the social system but by teaching and empowering our youths in realising that they too can make a difference in someone else's life.

I just went for my last Medical Sociology lecture and it was bloddy depressing considering the social structure of Singapore. We are not only class-conscious but also class-anxious. Let's not even talk about having quality of life if we can't even survive with the capital we have or will earn. We are anxious for the future and the strangely, the hope that we'd do better than our parents' generation still lurks mysteriously in our optimistic mind.

Marx was over-simplistic --- the social structure cannot be changed overnight. I wonder then what the hell am I studying Sociology for. I remember feeling this way when I took an Economic Sociology module; seems like nothing has changed huh. And here I am faced with the dilemma of deciding to work as an educator or to pursue a post-graudate degree, I still wonder where's my place in the world.

So I come to my conclusion: since I cannot possibly revolutionise the world and change the social structure, start small and begin with the youths. Whatever I choose --- to study or to work --- immediately after graduation, will definitely be about educating our youths and empowering them to begin their own mini-revolutions themselves. Of course the question I ought to ask then is: Which group of students should I educate --- High School, Pre-University or College?

Father, reveal more and more of Your plan for me. I know you're calling me into teaching, into the education profession. But I pray you show me, increasingly, the group of youths you want me to empower most effectively. Empowerment doesn't stem from me but from You; I am but Your conduit and I'm only honoured to be considered as one. Show me Lord, show me.

Remember this Darren, remember this.

will you?

Today's one of those days where you just don't feel like talking to anyone and simply, well, be alone. I reckon people will question my emotional state but really I just don't feel like talking. Funny thing about it all is how even though I don't want to talk, I do wish to be around people; ah, the irony of it all: to want to be alone yet be around people. It's one of those lil' ironies of the heart (I believe) that I'm pretty sure some can relate to. Maybe what I need is some time alone by the sea, look out into the horizon and contemplate the goodness and mercies of God. But that time alone ought to be shared with another; here's where I believe a true friend is darn important. He need not speak much, he only needs to be there. A true friend's presence is more than enough comfort for me.

There isn't a need to ask, neither is there a need to explain. Because honestly, I don't have any answer for the reasons of my current state. It's also not because I don't want to share; it's really because I have no answer for myself.

I'm not complaining about helming leaders' cell tonight; I'm also not complaining about needing to submit three assignments during and immediately after the Good Friday - Easter holiday weekend. I take joy in these things when they come my way and I don't even consider them trials and tribulations. So it's not what I have to do that's causing this; in fact, I don't think there is a real need to find that answer.

Perhaps this is the answer I need --- a song I was singing while walking home from the bus stop.

"Deep in my soul is a tug-of-war

I'm struggling to know what this life is for;

I try so hard to stay in control

- to hold back the tears, to not let go.

I don't know why I hang on so long

when I know the question you are asking me.

(and it goes)

"Will you worship?

Will you bow down
- before your Lord and King?

Will you love me

- will you give me your heart,
your everything?"

tis' my prayer: take my cup, fill it up and make me whole // thy will be done, not mine // for thine is the kingdom, power and glory forever and ever // amen.

'nuff said, men can be as insecure as women.

so stop treating men to be some hard-up,

solid, tough, macho dood cause they're not;

I'm not.

just listen and hear their silent struggles

amidst the stereotyped straitjackets forced on them;

listen to their silence

because perhaps in that silence

is where the agony truly lies.

God, networks and heartlessness

Recently I don't like to post entries online because the online space is getting a little too public for my liking; some thoughts ought to be kept within the offline zones, away from prying eyes and inquisitive hearts. But this time, just this time, I'm gonna blog about some things/ emotions/ thoughts that would be way too painful (both literally and figuratively) to pen it out on my tangible diary.

"Am I heartless?"

I walked home wondering if I really was that given the circumstances involving a friend's relationship. Actually a mutual friend told me about it last weekend, and I gave her the irritated response. Her response to me was exactly that which made me think today (now) whether I'm some heartless asshole. Okay, granted I wasn't told of it tonight; so technically I shouldn't know about it. But in all honesty, if I knew it'd work out to this emotional cost, I really wouldn't want to know. BUT then again this involves a friend --- a relatively close one too --- I can't simply walk away and not care, can I? I mean I feel disappointed for and with her, would lend her my shoulder to cry on or even cry with her; but I was feeling irritated, perhaps even angry inside. It was an anger directed at the relationship, at both fellas and at the timing of it. It was a relationship that hasn't found its feet repeatedly; it was a rocky one, perhaps one perpetually caught in a storm or at least one with looming dark clouds. Biblically, it was not okay (unequally yoked). But how do you say these things to a hurting friend?! Yes the truth hurts, but I ain't some moral crusader. I don't know how to tackle this, not even sure whether I should since technically I shouldn't know of it. Fact that word didn't come to me via a primary OR secondary source really does speak a lil of the strength of ties between the relevant parties eh (following social network theory). But this isn't the place to debate the relevancy of academia; I just want to learn (know) how to manage this emotion.

"I (think I) am a heartless single."

While showering I wondered whether my nonchalency, even my anger, could be attributed to my historical lack of a girlfriend. My apathy for the grieving halves is hence not real and perhaps unrealistic. That thought came to me as a counter-argument for all the advice I was thinking of dishing out. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps the way to go about doing this is not to do anything but quietly support the grieving. Nevertheless this silence doesn't do anything that reduces or mitigates the emotion of anger: I still am rather irritated. How can I correct if I've never been through it? I have no moral standing, neither can I make legitimate claims simply because I have a lack of 'experience'. I don't want to correct also because I don't know what's right, or wrong --- which is also an outcome of the experiential lack.

"Informal social networks: seeking man before seeking God"

I wonder now whether whenever we face trials, setbacks even heartbreaks, our first response is to seek man, instead of first seeking God. And my my, news does travel fast (especially-ironically in the ministry where gossiping is sin). I asked whether the grieving needed people there --- now that I think of it, I think my larger question could have been: essentially, does she have that space to seek God first or have people (friends) crowd that divine appointment out? As a disclaimer, I don't always seek God first all the time (yes, even till now) simply because sometimes all I really want is a hug from a close brother or a listening ear and zipped lips. But nevertheless, I asked myself as I took the elevator up to my apartment: Where's God in all of this?

It's even more interesting, now that I think of it, because I just shared with the camp leaders about how "All theology is practical theology". Now I see this discourse of 'god' (intentionally left in lowercase) can be a means to shrug another off, be extremely offensive and even symbolically violent. Biblically, here I am reminded of the love that the Bible exhorts us to do: strangely I'm also reminded that I just shared with the main camp committee about how when the Bible instructs us to do something, more likely than not these commandments stem from something much deeper, beyond the realm of bone and marrow.

I asked God: Why did you let me listen to all of this when I, who was almost dead beat in the car, could and wanted to go home? It is a question that I think I will not be able to answer quickly; but the one thing I'm confident about is that: all things shall work out good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose --- this I am well assured.

be still my soul

Just sent my dear boy into the army today and honestly, my heart sank when I saw him board the bus toward the ferry terminal. I had already half the mind to enter tekong with him, but he told me before boarding to send Chloe off and not follow him up, so I complied. Besides I thought that if I went, I'd be intruding into the final moments he'd have with his parents. Nonetheless the point here is, my heart sank: If my emotions were played out into a movie, it'd be some weird-ass korean drama complete with the cryings and tears.

Later in the day, I went home feeling pretty empty. Before going to bed for a short nap, I brought this before the Lord. I didn't want to bother about the boys that have gone into the army already and in that prayer, released them to the Lord's protection and love. With this, my role as their physical guide and leader takes a temporary halt for the moment. Feeling somewhat better, I went to bed.

As soon as I woke up, I was reminded that my boys were no longer on the mainland with me; they are now all in the island offshore. I then logged into facebook and there I read a status upload by my primary school classmate about letting go, opportunities and further planting of seeds. I adapted that and made it my own status which reads: "Only when you let go, can you then see a new world of opportunities to grab. Look beyond, have hope & faith and start planting new seeds for His glory and majesty."

I went to take a shower next and as I was doing so, I asked God to help me let go AND provide me new sight to see that new world of opportunities to guide, lead and mentor. I felt considerably better inside my spirit and went to school with much peace in my heart.

En route to school, there was quite a jam along the expressway and I played the CD that nick put in the night before. As the car inched ever so slowly minute by minute, the song "Be Still My Soul" played. I couldn't really make out the lyrics of the verse but the title alone speaks volumes. And as the song played, I noticed that I was driving into the sunset and the celestial object was shining its beautiful warm orange-hued rays over me --- it brought me back to the sunrises and sunsets I appreciated while I was in Taiwan.

And I remembered how I used to intentionally pull myself away from the crowds, even my DOS during guard duty, to appreciate the wonderous creation that signifies the start and end of the day. I remembered how I'd look up to the sky, alone, and marvel at the work of His creation. I remembered how I'd talk to God, while walking up the ramp alone, and enjoying His company. I remembered the times when I look up to the sky and see the fading sunlight in the midst of the navy blue, orange sky and know that beyond the clouds, moon, stars and sun, there exists a God who's been there for me and has blessed me. That very same God is blessing me and I am more than blessed.

Though I may have been alone many times in the events that God has graciously led me to, His spirit has never left me nor forsaken me. I look back on all these things with much nostalgia, because I know I can never go back to these places again, and also with much assurance --- that if God has spoken to/ acted to/ assured me in the past, I'm sure He can do it again this time round.

And He did.

My dear boy texted me telling me that he's alright and that I need not worry. Early on in the day, I thought I'd cry when I receive his text. Instead, I was nonchalant about it; I was at peace; I was assured. Praise God!

Now I'm looking forward to the people God's opening my eyes to guide, lead and mentor. I'm looking forward to serving an even greater number of boys-youths. I've said it before that I'm a big boy now, I can handle much --- truth is, inside this 'man' there exists a child, and this child is thankfully, a child of the Most High God. I'm looking forward with much expectancy even though I do miss my boys and love them so, so much. The precious love of God invites others to experience and share that love, and I want to do just that.

"Be still my soul : He will guide for His name's sake"

"Be still my soul
Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace wait
To troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul
God knows your way
And He will guide
For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul
Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still my child
I know your way
And I will guide
For my name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace"

"Be Still My Soul" (Don Moen)

I wish you were still here.

Today as we usher in the Lunar Year of the Dragon, we also celebrate the presence of our loved ones and friends. We organise reunion meals of all forms --- BBQ, grill, steamboat, pot luck --- and then catch up on each others' lives be it through a decent conversation or mere small talk. Nevertheless it is exactly because we see some value in these social gatherings, that's why we participate in them. In other words, we celebrate each others' presence and lives because we see value in the relationships shared.

But strangely today I was reminded not just of those present around me; I was reminded of those who have gone before us and who have, well gone home. I remember how the New Year celebrations were like with them around and the birthdays we use to celebrate for them. I remember the food they made and the persistent naggings at every of our lil' meetings. I remember the days I'd run down the stairs and the days the kids'd gather in the room and prepare an item for the adults (gosh, I really disliked those mini performances). I really, really missed them.

I wish my brother and sister were with me.

I wish my paternal grandmother was still around.

I wish my gong-gong was still around.

I wish to hold my ye-ye's hand and know him.

I wish my great-grandaunt was here.

There can be a thousand wishes posted here but I know, I know that none of them will ever come true. My only comfort is that they're in good hands (I pray so) and that the Lord is indeed what the Word says He is: sovereign. So in this Lunar New Year, the second 12-year cycle till the Year of the Dragon returns again, I suppose this entry is pretty sobering and humbling to write: That my life is not my own; indeed "To live is Christ and to die is gain // No matter what price I pay, I choose this give this life away"

"I live for something greater than I"

You know how, for some, the above statement is a mere goal-attaining, motivating statement? Those who fall in this category are those who desire to work hard for things that are, well, greater than themselves. These people include the humanitarian workers, the peace fighters, those who pull children from slavery and the sex trade, even those who build houses and/or distribute food to the needy Africans. In the end those who once had this desire, now find themselves behind a desk doing the usual 9-to-5 routine. That desire that once was, is now dissipated; it is gone.

Today in service I was reminded of this statement. But strangely, and also unlike some of the people that I just mentioned above, I had absolutely no clue as to what this desire was for. All I knew was that I did not squirm when I read passages about suffering for the name of Christ or being considered dishonourable for His sake. I rationalised later on that perhaps the gravity of these verses have yet to sink in, yet I was reminded quickly how God taught me the following lesson during my years in national service.

If God has brought me to it,

------ He'll bring me through it.

If God has brought me to it,

------ He'll take care of the things I leave behind.

So somehow despite all the gloom in those passages, the call to serve Him has not been a command; rather it has been a constant call, almost like a beckoning to do His will. For all I know, maybe the internal struggles I have within me are just the preparation for what He's about to call me into. Perhaps He will make good the vision He gave me when I was in my tender teenage years, perhaps. Maybe He's giving me a completely new appetite, or a new ministerial ground, or even a new heart; these things I inquire of the Lord and yet, I will say "Be patient O my soul, for the Lord your God has heard you and will answer you in His due time".

O there are a myraid of things that have been going through my mind! Not to mention the people and encounters I had during the past week! I tried to put them all down on a sheet of paper and yet I know there are a lot more things in my head than I previously imagined. As I wrote, I listened to the song "Refresh My Heart" by Hillsong (1992) over and over and over again. And all I wanted to do right there and then, was to stop all activity and just praise and bless the name of the Lord. Then it reminded me of how my life from now on, whatever the ministry God calls me into, is simply a relationship with the Lord --- I ain't got no cell leader, or divisional leader; it's just me and the Lord. The people I'm eventually called to minister to are the people I bring before God in prayer; in other words, they don't determine how/ what/ how long I serve --- such things are between me and God.

A few keywords come to mind as I write this out: Obedience, Faith, Patience and Submission. Where, O Lord, are you taking me to! Where, O Lord, do you want me to be? "I want to be where you are, dwelling in your presence, feasting at your table, surrounded by your glory; In your presence, that's where I always want to be... I just want to be with you" (Don Moen).

Tell me: What's the point of installing someone to a position of authority when the respect due to the person, or at least the position, is not respected?

For crying out loud, at least listen to them and hear them out (notice the difference).

The pun was, so, unintended.

my thoughts, for future use

So my kids Chloe and Nick are back from their China mission trip, and damn am I glad to have them back.

But something else stirred within me this whole day.

How could I, a sinner, be used by God as a leader, camp commandant, or a mentor and witness for myself the transforming power of Christ?

Today, I experienced all three: from the sin to the Camp AAR-cum-thanksgiving to the welcome party for Chloe and Nick.

I recall the vision I had when I was in sec 2: remember the white building in a field? Yea, that one.

I recall the unsettled-ness in me when I was scrolling through MOE's website for teacher recruitment, exam syllabi and NIE post-graduate diploma programme site. It just didn't sit well within me.

To be honest, when my kids recount their experience in China to me, I was truly happy for them --- that they have seen the work and reality of God. But I also know that they barely skimmed the surface of what the Bible terms as "tasting and seeing that the Lord is good"; they were there for barely a week. But yet just as I felt all that immense joy at their growth and spiritual maturity and encounters with God, I know deep within me I just haven't been given the heart for missions, yet. 

Perhaps one day I will be called to be a missionary, perhaps.

But if the abovementioned vision really did come from God, then I'm sure He's gonna prepare me adequately to face the challenges ahead.

I remember praying for myself that though darkness shrouds me and the path before me seems uncertain, even bleak, I know from the Word of God that His very Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Deal with my unbelief Lord!

Help me with my doubts Lord!

Save me from my self-righteousness Lord!

Not my will, but thine be done!

There's just so many emotions and thoughts that is contained within me. I need time to recuperate, reflect and be brought to remembrance not only His goodness to me thus far, but also His Word, vision and calling for me.

I love you Nick,

I love you Chloe,

I'm glad both of you are back.

But more so,

I'm glad God is with you

and my, look how you've grown!

'Tis the joy of your leader!

'Tis the joy of your mentor!

That no ma shall boast in himself,

but in Christ,

 and Christ alone.

(the costs of) Comparison

It's funny how just before logging into this account, even right to the point of typing the title of this new entry (which I usually do after finishing typing the entry), there was a 3-dimensional spider-web of conceptual sorts hanging within the mental structures of my inner skull. I even told myself that when I begin writing this, it would not be clear nor would it be concise: simply because this place is the site where I display those 'conceptual sorts' for the world to see, though really it is for my own viewing pleasure And sanity.

Ah, yes... comparison.

Just last night I went for a run. It was my first run in what? 4 months or so and all I was thinking about was how I wanted to achieve that 'hot bod' that my friends have -- broad shoulders with chest muscles, toned arms, flat tummy, 6-pack if possible, well-defined thighs and calves. During the run I recall singing the song "Jesus, lover of my soul" in my head where the chorus goes "It's all about you Jesus and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to your ways". Though these were the words that both my head thought of and that which my mouth mouths, deep down I know that I was pushing myself beyond what I could do. Nonetheless, I finished the run and managed to do approximately 40 pushups and about 30 situps divided in two sets -- numerically I totally suck. Just 9 months ago, I was doing an average of 80 pushups and 50 situps a day. But this, as I now see, isn't a game of numbers --- rather it's a game of humility/pride.

And I'll tell you why.

After finishing my exercise... AND OH, I DO HAVE TO SAY THIS: I hardly had any food And water yesterday so I knew that my body was severely lacking in the energy it needed to complete a run... So, when I got up my vision suddenly became blurry and sparkly with all those red-and-blue dots and my whole body became limp and weak. I literally trudged into one of the blocks to drink some water, only to realise that I shouldn't --- I knew a throw-up was gonna be inevitable. I quickly trudged to my block and went up to my room. By then my body became limp and totally strength-less; I didn't want to move though my mind really wanted to bathe before crashing on the bed.

I placed my sweaty head on the table and took off my glasses. By then my body was so uncomfortable because every muscle was aching and my vision was still blurred, I went to the floor to lie down and rest. When I did so, I thought this was the time to puke but thank goodness I didn't -- if not, I'd have been lying down in my own pool of watery bodily fluids. And so my sweaty body was laid down on the floor to rest and every muscle just having a mind of its own, totally uncooperative with the brain. 

I woke up once and when I got up a sharp ache-pain shot up from my knee up my thighs. I slumped into my seat again and laid my head down to the table. My vision was still blurry and dotted red-and-blue and my muscles were still terribly uncooperative. It was then I decided to go back down to the floor to rest again. I arose about ten minutes later feeling a lot better before taking a bath and as a result of those short naps, I couldn't fall asleep until 4am this morning.

I didn't mean for this entry to be a lengthy one about my experience last night. But really I was thinking about my own life and really, my future specifically. What I went through last night is just a real-life example to whoever is reading this that there are costs of comparisons; and those costs get significantly higher when you rush through those comparisons and think terribly of yourself. Taking care of my body is an instruction by God, but doing it in order to gain glory and attention for myself isn't glorifying unto God. "Yet not my will but thy will be done" -- tis the command I hear being repeatedly over and over and over again. (perhaps this is the motivation for this year's devotions, hmmm, I wonder)

Even so, when I think about my own future and what I intend to do: now I ask myself whether this is the will that God desires for me and that which I desire for and of myself. Be it the Masters or the PhD, working overseas or the getting/ living the high life, these are things that I now desire God to work in and through me. As much as I like to say I'm trusting God and His sovereign plan for me, I know that the falliable nature of man only draws me repeatedly away from what He wants for me, and towards the path which desires the praises, applause and glory of man whose riches are not only admirable but greatly treasured.

But at the end of the day, let my soul, body and mind cry out: "Yet not as I will, but thy will be done!" This journey of life ain't over and till it does, I want to live life as a good Christian solider fighting, alongside the Holy Spirit, against my own body and desires. At the end of the day, I want to die a good Christian soldier, where I can stand before the Lord who will not only give me a crown of righteousness but will say unto me, "Enter into my rest my good and faithful servant".

Until then, "dicens Pater si vis transfer calicem istum a me verumtamen non mea voluntas sed tua fiat" ("Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.")