I have never felt this cold in my entire life.

Heat is radiating from my eyes after my shower,

My throat is like a sore and open wound

-- I don't even dare swallow,

I shivered as I stood under the warm stream of water,

not wanting to leave myself to the bitter cold of the night.

My bones ache, and my body still quivering...

I'm falling sick and I know it,

But why ain't I calling on the Lord?

Beer in hand

Marx on the table

Laptop by my side

but my mind's fixed on you.

What if after all these years, I still find myself liking you?

A chance, is that what I'm asking?

Just went to the doctor today to grab my MRI medical report -- turned out I've sustained a minor, "very very mild" slip disc condition due to a degeneration of the disc at the bottom of my spine. I suppose the squash 'warm-up' game only aggravated it; but then again, how was I to know? My doctors, including my physiotherapist said I could carry on with my physical activities, so there. But this time round, after reviewing my MRI scan report, the doctor advised me against high-impact sports. I asked if I could carry on playing squash and I could tell from his expression that he really didn't want to disapppoint me. But in the end, he said the word and I suppose I can lay my hands off the four squash rackets sitting at home right now. He advised swimming -- thankfully, something I enjoy -- and cycling. Running now had to be done with well-cushioned shoes, but honestly my mind was fixed on the fact that I can no longer, at least for now, play squash. In a desperate bid to seek approval for another sport I love, I asked whether I could play badminton. He disappointed me again, without having the intention to do so. Naturally, my net emotion after the appointment was in the red.

After lunch, I went down with the SPD team to watch two of our boys play in their exciting match. My net emotion continued its decline as firstly, the match was cancelled due to the rain; and secondly, I watched the boys play passionately for a sport they love. For someone now who cannot do just that, it was heartbreaking.

I feel useless. I think it's like how the senior citizens feel about themselves in relation to the world. Mentoring three athletic boys only compound the emotion...

I feel very useless.

my mum gave me steroids,

for my aching darn back.

I am upset that my expectation wasn't met but at the same time, I am struggling alongside him. I know I need to be firm in my stand lest he flouts the rules we decided a year back, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings any further. I NEED TO FIND THAT MIDDLE GROUND AND BE COMFORTABLE IN IT.

I am (You are) wrestling with the mentor's heart.

seeing people around me getting emotional/ confused/ matured/ angsty/ happy/ all childlike, makes me wonder whether it's a good thing to not have girlfriend woes.

on one hand, I kinda want it.

but on the other, I don't wanna.

All we need is a little bit of honesty.

Haven't blogged much these past few months, but I need a space to rant and pour my heart out. So since this is a convenience space, I figured "Why not?" After all, the materials used for my first sermon were taken from this blog space. (I do hope no one reads/ follows this blog though)

Fact is, I haven't been feeling too good this evening. It's the third day of the Lunar New Year and I just came back from my aunt's place. Before that, I went to my cousin's new flat before heading down to Jeryl's for a steamboat dinner. So it was a pretty hectic day for me, rushing and running to and fro from one place to another. Strangely enough instead of feeling all angsty and bottled up inside because of the mad rushings, I felt tired. Perhaps it's the cumulative effect of the week's visiting, feasting and late nights. But at my aunt's place, I laid on the couch and found myself soundly asleep for a good 45 mins. Mind you, I don't normally do this even when I'm most tired and shacked out. In a nutshell, today was somewhat a first.

I thought it was fatigue, considering the fact that I didn't sleep very well last night (in fact I went supper with Pine at Macs where we ate and talked for a good two hours). But then I realised it couldn't be fatigue, or at least not the kind I usually get. Simply because when I'm tired, I tend to go all emotional and thinking of stupid things I shouldn't be thinking of. But I wasn't. I was too tired to even think. My muscles were devoid of strength and energy seemed to have left my bones for good. Moreover, I didn't feel too good inside -- it was as if I was gonna fall sick, that kind of feeling. In fact, after this I'm gonna sleep already.

(I forgot why I even want to blog in the first place)

Suffice to say, I feel like a jerk. Maybe I am. It's not even an issue of "being torn" but rather, I feel like I'm intentionally shooting lil cupid arrows at two target boards at the same time. I feel rather disgusted with myself really. I won't even end with an "oh well..."; in fact I don't know how to end this entry.

goodnight world.