sometimes i do wonder what in the world do i do certain things for. such a thought passed through my head as i was walking down the pavements just along Liang Court. i was there for a school function; rather, a school social event. an event which featured the strangest things you see on your screen coming to life. think a bit harder, and perhaps filthier and you're somewhere there. to most, it seems normal. honestly, there were times i enjoyed myself, revelling in the fun of it all. but on the hindsight, i wondered to myself: what in the world was i doing. then i started to imagine the impression or response of what my lecturer would call a 'generalized other' or 'significant other' may have on me. is this merely a sociology lecture lesson put into practice? Could Cooley or Mead have been right all along about the Looking Glass Self theory? but all this academic talk aside, what mattered most to me was really the impression and/or response this 'significant generalized other' would have/act towards me.

would you smile at this information, or

would you frown at it? or maybe

would you be completely neutral?

i probably knew the answer to that question

but somehow, somewhere, someday i'm hoping

just hoping that my imagined judgement

would be completely wrong.

in the mental chaos
in the beginnings of realities
in the face of weakness
in times such as these
all i want is to be in Your Presence
all i want is to be with You
all i want is to be found where you are
and then, my heart will find its rest.

dilemma.

before entering college, i've constantly told myself that i want to do the things that i've never had the guts to do; hence the literature module i'm taking this semester. academics aside, i'm finding it tough to practise what i've been drowning myself in before varsity life even began.

i've always been an avid lover of the performing arts and therefore when given the opportunity to help out as an Event Manager of the arts festival held on campus, i readily signed myself up for it - that's doing something i like to do; not so much as i didn't have the guts to do it before, but rather it's something new and one that i'm passionate about. reason for joining: justified.

and then came the crunch, to run for publications secretary in the hall committee or not. doing publications brings me great great great joy and despite all the hard work and sweat and squinted eyes, there is still joy when you hold that work in your hands for the first time. tough line of work as compared to the other office-holders' responsibilities; relatively, it's a shit job to some. but hey, i like doing it. it's something i love doing. something i'm passionate about. something i believe i have the skills that i can use to contribute to the hall. something i'm always willing to learn from.

if i were to say i never had the guts to do this, i'd be lying... well partially. i was an editor in secondary school once so the job scope honestly doesn't daunt me. in fact it thrills me. and then if i were to say i never had the guts to run and hold rallies and do all that kind of stuff, i'd be lying... again, partially. technically i ran for office in the exco during my days in vjchoir. so all that interviews, and first round shortlist and second round questions and answers, i've been there done that. so question is, what's the big deal?

it becomes a big deal when everything is compounded. ah yes, the balance between work and play comes into question. i wonder if taking on these roles will greatly cause a tilt in the balance and cause a catastrophe in either of the sides.

i want to believe that my Lord will guide me cause i know He is faithful still. but how i wish that i was in the times of Moses where the Lord will lead the Isrealites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. ah, what i need is obvious answers.

no, what i need is the Lord.

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me."

- Proverbs 8:17

it's a strange thing to be in the east aka civilisation a few hours ago and now here i am, overseas in my room at the computer. my readings scream for me to read them, but noooo, i'm here at the keyboard merrily typing away. those few sentences exude sarcasm don't they, and those were the exact thoughts i had on the bus from the station into campus. but now that i'm actually physically In campus and having helped my friend with his angel-mortal nonsensical stuff, which by the way was pretty cool despite making my own efforts seem measly, school's kind of.. fun.

strangely enough as far as i can remember, i felt like crap when i left school on friday evening simply because i had to leave school. but now coming back into school seemed like a pain, a drag nearly. and now that i'm actually in school, it seems somewhat normal. no, i'm actually ready to take on a new week of academic life.

i can't believe i just said that. a week of academic life.

Academic life.

it's a beautiful thing to be in university. strangely enough a few weeks back i was doubtful possibly to the point of being terrified about rejoining the education system. but now it seems as if all's well and things are looking pretty smooth now.

although i must say that varsity life has only just begun. the lectures and tutorials have officially begun but the extra-curricular activities have not. ah, the catch there isn't it. i won't be surprised that in the weeks and months to come when the due dates for the various presentations draws nearer and the random extra activities start to mount up, stress levels rise and tensions, well perhaps they may rise, entries such as this is just going to be less cheerful.

but in the meantime, the Lord has been beautifully faithful as He's always been. i meditated on Psalms 23 on tuesday morning and found such a beauty in the text. sheesh, i'm making it sound like literature; which by the way, i managed to secure a place in a tutorial class where none of the students are english majors - praise God for that provision!

but the Lord IS faithful and always will be.

go read Psalms 23.

there is such beauty there

one that you cannot see

and then you will know that God really cares.

(musings) first week of school

this is/was the third day of school
it is also the third day i'm expected to use my brains
unfortunately, i think i've been using more of my legs
campus is huge especially when you walk from place to place
you start feeling the strain in the calves and thighs
you start perspiring from head to toe
and before you know it,
you're completely exhausted even before lecture begins

and this week is just the first week of school
no tutorials, no random hall work, only random dinners
the stomach's getting full, rather it's getting empty
the helter-skelter of the day makes it grumble
but yet the small snack before lectures tells me not to
only to suffer the consequences after the lectures
on the brighter side, there's always those random suppers
that are bound to make any skinny kid fat as a bee
small, fat, agile yet lethal
ah yes, that's what we ought to aspire to be shouldn't we?

National Day Parade 2009

This is home, truly
Where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me
Where the river always flows

This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home.

suffice to say, this is the first time in two years i've caught the national day parade live on local channels and honestly to have done so, there was somehow some excitement and pride stirred in my heart. having been overseas for a considerable period of time and not having the liberty of returning often to visit my family and close friends, it is pretty obvious where home really is. though i do not fully agree to the lyrics to that song, home is where my roots are and hey This is my roots, This is where i should belong.

watching like-minded Singaporeans waving the national flag proudly be it in their hands or as a car decal, national pride was evoked. somehow listening the the anthem being sung again by Singaporeans all over the land brought about a sense of solidarity and union, one that i never felt in a foreign land. as i have always encouraged and advised my juniors overseas: though the prospect of an overseas posting is both exciting and free, it is always good to know that there is at least one group of Singaporeans that you can find solace in. I have found that; I have found them. but nothing beats returning home.

For this is where I know I'm home.