late night thoughts

The time is 2am and I'm up talking with the Lord and then I said something to Him that kinda made mre realise only later that it was a good summary of my thoughts for the past few occasions. The line that I said was: 

"I don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do."

And it's true; I don't. At the end of my life, I'm only answerable to God for my time and resources spent and as reminded in Ecc 5, He wants me to really, really enjoy life --- I can't do that if I have no joy in Him! The world demands from me (us) the need/promise for wealth, status and prestige. I've decided to not make those demands from the world my ends but the blessings of God whom I must primarily seek to please first. I simply don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do.

Then I thought of my social location and position:

One of the greatest social injustice is the privileged recognising their privileged position as the norm; just how myopic can any fool get?

I cannot, cannot take it when people in privileged positions assume that their choices are the norm and everyone else should follow them. Those who fail to conform to that 'norm' is deemed weird and somewhat undesirable. I don't deny that getting a prestigious scholarship or going to a prestigious college overseas promises great rewards, but if the scholarship, college and its subesquent promises of wealth, status and prestige become the ends, then I highly urge one to reconsider their decision in the light of His Word. It is a social injustice because we use these wealth, status and privilege for ourselves instead to returning some to the dis-privileged --- I intentionally use that word because there are kids halfway around the globe who have their privileges stolen from them.

Don't you dare give me this crap that "I should go overseas because my friends are there" or even "cause it's cool".

Relationships.

So here's the deal about relationships: I'm not opposed to them amongst youths, I'm just not completely for them. Here's why.

(1) This just ain't the right season.

(2) Not many at that age are ready for marriage anyway.

(3) For the boys-men, girls are not meant to be our trophies for us to brag about.

(4) For friends getting attached, in the event of a break-up the group is forced to take sides which leads to the fragmentation of the once-tight-knit group of friends.

(5) All of the above just ain't gonna bring God the glory He deserves.

--------------------------------

I ain't jealous; instead I'm sorrowful.

If we believe that God has great plans for us, why can't we recognise too then that He has great plans for us in the area of our marriage and relationships?

the call.

The way to social change is not to change, even revolutionise, the social system but by teaching and empowering our youths in realising that they too can make a difference in someone else's life.

I just went for my last Medical Sociology lecture and it was bloddy depressing considering the social structure of Singapore. We are not only class-conscious but also class-anxious. Let's not even talk about having quality of life if we can't even survive with the capital we have or will earn. We are anxious for the future and the strangely, the hope that we'd do better than our parents' generation still lurks mysteriously in our optimistic mind.

Marx was over-simplistic --- the social structure cannot be changed overnight. I wonder then what the hell am I studying Sociology for. I remember feeling this way when I took an Economic Sociology module; seems like nothing has changed huh. And here I am faced with the dilemma of deciding to work as an educator or to pursue a post-graudate degree, I still wonder where's my place in the world.

So I come to my conclusion: since I cannot possibly revolutionise the world and change the social structure, start small and begin with the youths. Whatever I choose --- to study or to work --- immediately after graduation, will definitely be about educating our youths and empowering them to begin their own mini-revolutions themselves. Of course the question I ought to ask then is: Which group of students should I educate --- High School, Pre-University or College?

Father, reveal more and more of Your plan for me. I know you're calling me into teaching, into the education profession. But I pray you show me, increasingly, the group of youths you want me to empower most effectively. Empowerment doesn't stem from me but from You; I am but Your conduit and I'm only honoured to be considered as one. Show me Lord, show me.

Remember this Darren, remember this.

be still my soul

Just sent my dear boy into the army today and honestly, my heart sank when I saw him board the bus toward the ferry terminal. I had already half the mind to enter tekong with him, but he told me before boarding to send Chloe off and not follow him up, so I complied. Besides I thought that if I went, I'd be intruding into the final moments he'd have with his parents. Nonetheless the point here is, my heart sank: If my emotions were played out into a movie, it'd be some weird-ass korean drama complete with the cryings and tears.

Later in the day, I went home feeling pretty empty. Before going to bed for a short nap, I brought this before the Lord. I didn't want to bother about the boys that have gone into the army already and in that prayer, released them to the Lord's protection and love. With this, my role as their physical guide and leader takes a temporary halt for the moment. Feeling somewhat better, I went to bed.

As soon as I woke up, I was reminded that my boys were no longer on the mainland with me; they are now all in the island offshore. I then logged into facebook and there I read a status upload by my primary school classmate about letting go, opportunities and further planting of seeds. I adapted that and made it my own status which reads: "Only when you let go, can you then see a new world of opportunities to grab. Look beyond, have hope & faith and start planting new seeds for His glory and majesty."

I went to take a shower next and as I was doing so, I asked God to help me let go AND provide me new sight to see that new world of opportunities to guide, lead and mentor. I felt considerably better inside my spirit and went to school with much peace in my heart.

En route to school, there was quite a jam along the expressway and I played the CD that nick put in the night before. As the car inched ever so slowly minute by minute, the song "Be Still My Soul" played. I couldn't really make out the lyrics of the verse but the title alone speaks volumes. And as the song played, I noticed that I was driving into the sunset and the celestial object was shining its beautiful warm orange-hued rays over me --- it brought me back to the sunrises and sunsets I appreciated while I was in Taiwan.

And I remembered how I used to intentionally pull myself away from the crowds, even my DOS during guard duty, to appreciate the wonderous creation that signifies the start and end of the day. I remembered how I'd look up to the sky, alone, and marvel at the work of His creation. I remembered how I'd talk to God, while walking up the ramp alone, and enjoying His company. I remembered the times when I look up to the sky and see the fading sunlight in the midst of the navy blue, orange sky and know that beyond the clouds, moon, stars and sun, there exists a God who's been there for me and has blessed me. That very same God is blessing me and I am more than blessed.

Though I may have been alone many times in the events that God has graciously led me to, His spirit has never left me nor forsaken me. I look back on all these things with much nostalgia, because I know I can never go back to these places again, and also with much assurance --- that if God has spoken to/ acted to/ assured me in the past, I'm sure He can do it again this time round.

And He did.

My dear boy texted me telling me that he's alright and that I need not worry. Early on in the day, I thought I'd cry when I receive his text. Instead, I was nonchalant about it; I was at peace; I was assured. Praise God!

Now I'm looking forward to the people God's opening my eyes to guide, lead and mentor. I'm looking forward to serving an even greater number of boys-youths. I've said it before that I'm a big boy now, I can handle much --- truth is, inside this 'man' there exists a child, and this child is thankfully, a child of the Most High God. I'm looking forward with much expectancy even though I do miss my boys and love them so, so much. The precious love of God invites others to experience and share that love, and I want to do just that.

"Be still my soul : He will guide for His name's sake"

"Be still my soul
Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace wait
To troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul
God knows your way
And He will guide
For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul
Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still my child
I know your way
And I will guide
For my name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace"

"Be Still My Soul" (Don Moen)

my thoughts, for future use

So my kids Chloe and Nick are back from their China mission trip, and damn am I glad to have them back.

But something else stirred within me this whole day.

How could I, a sinner, be used by God as a leader, camp commandant, or a mentor and witness for myself the transforming power of Christ?

Today, I experienced all three: from the sin to the Camp AAR-cum-thanksgiving to the welcome party for Chloe and Nick.

I recall the vision I had when I was in sec 2: remember the white building in a field? Yea, that one.

I recall the unsettled-ness in me when I was scrolling through MOE's website for teacher recruitment, exam syllabi and NIE post-graduate diploma programme site. It just didn't sit well within me.

To be honest, when my kids recount their experience in China to me, I was truly happy for them --- that they have seen the work and reality of God. But I also know that they barely skimmed the surface of what the Bible terms as "tasting and seeing that the Lord is good"; they were there for barely a week. But yet just as I felt all that immense joy at their growth and spiritual maturity and encounters with God, I know deep within me I just haven't been given the heart for missions, yet. 

Perhaps one day I will be called to be a missionary, perhaps.

But if the abovementioned vision really did come from God, then I'm sure He's gonna prepare me adequately to face the challenges ahead.

I remember praying for myself that though darkness shrouds me and the path before me seems uncertain, even bleak, I know from the Word of God that His very Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Deal with my unbelief Lord!

Help me with my doubts Lord!

Save me from my self-righteousness Lord!

Not my will, but thine be done!

There's just so many emotions and thoughts that is contained within me. I need time to recuperate, reflect and be brought to remembrance not only His goodness to me thus far, but also His Word, vision and calling for me.

I love you Nick,

I love you Chloe,

I'm glad both of you are back.

But more so,

I'm glad God is with you

and my, look how you've grown!

'Tis the joy of your leader!

'Tis the joy of your mentor!

That no ma shall boast in himself,

but in Christ,

 and Christ alone.

(the costs of) Comparison

It's funny how just before logging into this account, even right to the point of typing the title of this new entry (which I usually do after finishing typing the entry), there was a 3-dimensional spider-web of conceptual sorts hanging within the mental structures of my inner skull. I even told myself that when I begin writing this, it would not be clear nor would it be concise: simply because this place is the site where I display those 'conceptual sorts' for the world to see, though really it is for my own viewing pleasure And sanity.

Ah, yes... comparison.

Just last night I went for a run. It was my first run in what? 4 months or so and all I was thinking about was how I wanted to achieve that 'hot bod' that my friends have -- broad shoulders with chest muscles, toned arms, flat tummy, 6-pack if possible, well-defined thighs and calves. During the run I recall singing the song "Jesus, lover of my soul" in my head where the chorus goes "It's all about you Jesus and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to your ways". Though these were the words that both my head thought of and that which my mouth mouths, deep down I know that I was pushing myself beyond what I could do. Nonetheless, I finished the run and managed to do approximately 40 pushups and about 30 situps divided in two sets -- numerically I totally suck. Just 9 months ago, I was doing an average of 80 pushups and 50 situps a day. But this, as I now see, isn't a game of numbers --- rather it's a game of humility/pride.

And I'll tell you why.

After finishing my exercise... AND OH, I DO HAVE TO SAY THIS: I hardly had any food And water yesterday so I knew that my body was severely lacking in the energy it needed to complete a run... So, when I got up my vision suddenly became blurry and sparkly with all those red-and-blue dots and my whole body became limp and weak. I literally trudged into one of the blocks to drink some water, only to realise that I shouldn't --- I knew a throw-up was gonna be inevitable. I quickly trudged to my block and went up to my room. By then my body became limp and totally strength-less; I didn't want to move though my mind really wanted to bathe before crashing on the bed.

I placed my sweaty head on the table and took off my glasses. By then my body was so uncomfortable because every muscle was aching and my vision was still blurred, I went to the floor to lie down and rest. When I did so, I thought this was the time to puke but thank goodness I didn't -- if not, I'd have been lying down in my own pool of watery bodily fluids. And so my sweaty body was laid down on the floor to rest and every muscle just having a mind of its own, totally uncooperative with the brain. 

I woke up once and when I got up a sharp ache-pain shot up from my knee up my thighs. I slumped into my seat again and laid my head down to the table. My vision was still blurry and dotted red-and-blue and my muscles were still terribly uncooperative. It was then I decided to go back down to the floor to rest again. I arose about ten minutes later feeling a lot better before taking a bath and as a result of those short naps, I couldn't fall asleep until 4am this morning.

I didn't mean for this entry to be a lengthy one about my experience last night. But really I was thinking about my own life and really, my future specifically. What I went through last night is just a real-life example to whoever is reading this that there are costs of comparisons; and those costs get significantly higher when you rush through those comparisons and think terribly of yourself. Taking care of my body is an instruction by God, but doing it in order to gain glory and attention for myself isn't glorifying unto God. "Yet not my will but thy will be done" -- tis the command I hear being repeatedly over and over and over again. (perhaps this is the motivation for this year's devotions, hmmm, I wonder)

Even so, when I think about my own future and what I intend to do: now I ask myself whether this is the will that God desires for me and that which I desire for and of myself. Be it the Masters or the PhD, working overseas or the getting/ living the high life, these are things that I now desire God to work in and through me. As much as I like to say I'm trusting God and His sovereign plan for me, I know that the falliable nature of man only draws me repeatedly away from what He wants for me, and towards the path which desires the praises, applause and glory of man whose riches are not only admirable but greatly treasured.

But at the end of the day, let my soul, body and mind cry out: "Yet not as I will, but thy will be done!" This journey of life ain't over and till it does, I want to live life as a good Christian solider fighting, alongside the Holy Spirit, against my own body and desires. At the end of the day, I want to die a good Christian soldier, where I can stand before the Lord who will not only give me a crown of righteousness but will say unto me, "Enter into my rest my good and faithful servant".

Until then, "dicens Pater si vis transfer calicem istum a me verumtamen non mea voluntas sed tua fiat" ("Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.")

of social theory, interviews and God

I want to put this up just so I remind myself of how good God has been to me over the past week.

To begin with, I was faced with a colossal task of churning out two essay-assingments due on consecutive days; to be precise, the datelines were barely nine hours apart from each other. The datelines were not much of an issue when compared to the 2500-word essay, 1500-word essay, a full interview transcript and an interview schedule (list of questions) that desperately my attention - the last three form the final report for a research practicum module and the formermost was for a social theory class. While the latter required much intellectual capacity from me, the former sought hard for my mental, emotional and psychological attention. I knew it was going to be a long weekend ahead, and I was mentally prepared for that; or so I thought I was.

A few things screwed up last week as well. One of which was a 3-hour interview that my phone failed to record any detail at all. That was a huge, huge bummer for me. Then there was the NUS exchange application that I had to do by Friday (dateline). All these pulled my attention in all directions, severing any form of rootedness in any singular project. I only read, and read more and more articles in preparation for my social theory paper - I mean it is a theory paper after all, so just suck it up and read them. I re-did my interview with another respondent, a close friend of mine, on Wednesday. That interview went better than I expected and as with my two prior interviews, I was more glad that through the interviews I got to know them better as a friend and as a brother in Christ. The Wednesday interview lasted three hours, but because the content was good and the flow was decently acceptable I was satisfied. But I didn't start transcribing - something which on hindsight was my oversight and miscalculation - immediately that day, or the day after. Instead I started on Friday after having completed all of the exchange application procedures and processes. What pissed me off in particular that day was the fact that after having done most of the application in the library (both the online and photocopying of documents), I left for the bus-stop to wait for my bus that will bring me out of school. The bus came; I boarded; I tapped. Then I realised I had left my IC in the library - thus began the ardous walk back to the library to redeem it. It was a tough day that day. Transcription began in the National Library where all in all, I spent 5 hours transcribing barely half an hour I reckon. I went home and continued working on it, finishing up to the 50-minute mark. Then I slept.

Having slept seven hours, I woke up to have breakfast before returning to begin on my theory paper. Breakfast was soon to be the only substantial meal I would have the entire day. I started reading further for the theory paper and only properly began at 3pm only to realise that I needed to key in my reference list. That alone took me an hour. So effectively I only started proper at 4pm and the writing process lasted 6 hours, ending at 10pm. My mum cooked me some instant noodles which barely filled my tummy, but I couldn't do much about it; work needed to be done. I carried on with my transcription before turning in at the 80-minute mark. I already started to feel my body starting to break down in the face of all of this hungry pursuit of esssay/assignment completion. It was bad.

Sunday began with morning service before cell group. For the first time in my years in the ministry, this is the First time I skipped a youth service for academics' sake. Instead I dropped my kids off at the tabernacle before heading to St Hilda's to begin my transcriptions. I managed to transcribe the last 40 minutes with those in between undertaken by friends. I then went back to church hoping - just hoping - that the rest will be going off for dinner. In the end, they were going to the airport for their dinner thus compelling me, under the surmounting pressure to finish the assignments, to have dinner on my own before heading back to carry on with the work. En route, I met Aldrin with whom I later had dinner with. I reflected later while going home that it was a quirky way that God was reminding me of the heart for the boys that He has given to me; quirky, I know.

I reached home at around 9pm, with the first dateline due at 2359h that night. I quickly edited my work before submitting it online; after which, I took a shower to refresh myself. Work on the 1500-report began at 10pm and that alone took me 2hours to complete. By 12 midnight, I was dead beat. I still had to type out the interview schedule which took me another two hours or so. I carried on with my further transcriptions at 3am and ended at 5. The compilation and editing process was insane. The final compiled report was 79 pages long and the interview transcript itself took up a good 50-odd pages. It wasn't the most pleasant thing I've done. But by the time I was done, my dad was up and edging me to leave the house - he needed to get to work himself, but the deal was that he'll drop me off at school en route to work. I hardly had a chance to breathe before scurrying away to grab my towel to refresh myself and get changed. To cut the long story short, I slept on the ride to school; slept for an hour in hall before waking up to print and bind the report together at the library in the morning. I was finally done assignments-wise. I still had to endure a lecture on content analysis and another on globalisation before heading up to SAO to submit my documents for the NUS exchange; only then, did my day end and I could finally catch a breather.

Why then, this post?

Because I reflected how thankful I am to God, my provider and sustainer, for seeing me through the weekend - particularly through Sunday night/morning. It dawned upon me that I was able to say "I don't really care anymore about the grades that I'll receive" only because I was numbed to the whole process; yet, strangely enough I wasn't ecstatic about the submission - I was just happy that it is over. Then I realised that I'd only say this kind of things - thus warranting this post to be etenally monumentalised in electronic media - when I'm tired; on the contrary, I know that just prior to the release of results of essays, I'd be praying prayers about "God to honour me" and "God to bless me with this and that". But really, all I want to do now is to remember that in spite of all my work, His blessings are already planned for me to take; but what really matters to me is my attitude towards the work that laid before me. As a student, this is my season to study, therefore I ought to worship God with the times that I study. I tend to forget that, thus resulting in my praying prayers that seem to assume that just because I put in a lot of effort, God should honour my work; or even a demand from me to God to give me the A's that I want. But truth is, it's not about me; it's never been about me. When I think about how some people can do just as well without seeming to spend as much time and energy as I did, I feel really unfair - to me, it's injustice. But when I start to look at my role as a student, which I'm now called to be, I ought to be mindful of my own attitudes and behaviour towards the 'colossal' tasks set before me. Through these attitudes, it is with great hope that others can see the glory of God and thus someday praise my Father in heaven.

Sure I do hope and pray for the A's; but I'm starting and also beginning to struggle with the call to obedience, a life of faith and a life recognising and living out a God-centred, Christ-as-Lord-not-I life.

To God be all glory forever and ever.

[controversially]

I know that whatever I'm about to say here may/ will have implications. I am aware that my words carry weight, and this post may possibly be my most controversial as of yet; which is why it took me a good 2-3 hours to consolidate my thoughts and also to consider very carefully whether or not to post this. I want to be as cautious as possible, such that the cynical-negative(?) spirit doesn't find a new host and replicate itself spawning into something that the church will have to grapple and battle against. Lord, sanctify my lips; sanctify my words; sancitfy me.

Let's begin first with a positive recollection. I was walking back to the community centre where we had cell group and was just reflecting and talking to the Lord at the same time. I realised that even though organising camps and planning stuff for the ministry (including cell structure/ material) may sound fun and rewarding, I really don't want to do it. I know for certain God has given me a heart for the youths, more specifically the boys, and I don't want to place myself on a planning pedastal; I want to be with the kids. Marx is right: social change doesn't take place in a philosopher's, or in this case a planner's, chair but it takes place from the ground up. Being a role model for these boys is what I want to do. That being said, I know and am confident that the Word that has been taught and given to me ought to be the sustanance of my life: it alone is my providence and source. At this point, I'm reminded that in the Christian walk with Christ, one must never ever leave the cross and the beauty-brutality of it. The centrality of the cross must be the crux of a Christian's life.

Then I also realised that the people you love most are also the people who grieve you the most. They are the people whose actions/ words/ attitude/ even behaviour will hurt you the most. But at the same time, they are also the people who brings you much joy and laughter. They lift you up with the smallest acts and sweetest, albeit little, words. My three boys fall in this category, as do my cell kids. They are the greatest joy and blessing God has ever given to me apart from my family.

And it is also this very same love for them that compels me to type this entry.

I have been a cell leader for the past 6 years of my life. It is no mystery that I will/ should be leaving the ministry soon, as much as I don't want to. I have seen my kids grow into the men and women of God today, themselves soaked in the Word and prayerfully living out the Word as well. Last week, when I was reading 3 John 4 which reads: "I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in the truth", something stirred within my spirit. I had to praise God for my kids; I knew I had to. These past 6 years have also allowed me to take on a rather active role in the ministry: how God opened doors for me to organise events, including a camp in 2008, be a mentor to three wonderful boys, be part of the cell material planning committee and also a ministry leader of the sound team. He has indeed moulded me to the person I am today.

But now that I'm 23 - an age that sits precariously on the fence of the youth ministry and that of the young adults', I feel as if I'm being sidelined (read: marginalised). It's not as if I am the only one feeling this way; others feel it too. When I think about my contemporaries, I wonder to myself whether they too are getting the same attention as they (we) got when we were only beginning as cell leaders. I remember saying this to myself while walking back to hall: Under the guise of the youth ministry being dynamic and always changing, the older ones will inevitably be sidelined and forgotten. Where have all my peers gone? Are they receiving the same attention -- let's not even mention feeding and encouragement -- as they received when they were beginning? Now that the older cells are more stable and firm, it seems as if we're forgotten.

And I say we're being forgotten also because there isn't any proper way out for us, yea, even into the young adults' ministry. The bureaucracy of the church has taken ahold of the 'family' that the Word speaks of: what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine. There ain't no proper transition, and I doubt there will ever be one. It saddens me a hell lot really, that we proclaim ourselves to be a family of God yet the boundaries seem to be marked clearly along invisible bureaucratic lines. It's depressing.

When I say that the youth ministry operates under the guise of dynamism (constant change), new leaders are sought after every year. I don't deny that there is such a need since so that the primary six children can transition more smoothly into the youth ministry. In fact I see the transition of these children to be more systematic than that of the youths into the young adults' ministry. I sincerely hope we're not playing the numbers game here, please. But back to the new leaders. There is an ongoing active search for them and I agree that youths ought to recognise that just as they have received from their leaders, they ought to give to the younger ones as well. But here's my gripe with the entire situation: You grab these youths now and turn them to leaders. No doubt we will train them well, and with the support that the older leaders can give them and of course with God's grace, they will blossom to be effective shepherds of the flock entrusted to them. But will they end up like my contemporaries and I, forgotten and sidelined because "Oh! A new batch of kids are coming in!"

I really don't want/ wish to see my own kids fall into this same hole that many of us find ourselves in. It's saddening and also depressing because these kids do have potential to teach and preach the Word to the younger ones. But until a smooth transition programme from youth to young adults' ministry is more concrete (structurally) and a heart for ALL youths within the ministry is present (agency-heart), I'm doubtful even cynical of putting these youths up for leadership. I also realise that the leaders who are currently well rooted in the ministry are those currently active in the smaller ministries within. What about those who aren't rooted in/ serving in those ministries? I fear for them too.

By saying all of this I'm not attacking the church, nor am I discounting the efforts of the present staff team. But that doesn't stop me from fearing for these youths' lives: like some of my contemporaries, some will leave the church, others might perhaps leave the faith altogether. I don't give two-shit about the numbers; I only wish for the family of God to be what it is: a family of God. It is this fear that stems from a love for them that compels me to write this. You probably can't see me and my heart, but if you can you'd see me cringing both outside and inside. I'm afraid and I'm saddened by the brute reality of my mind's playback and constructions.

I'm honestly leaving this in God's hands. This is my spiritual family -- it is also my spiritual community, though at times it doesn't seem like it -- and I know I have a part to play. But I am only one, and as of now I wonder how my cynicism will lead me to be reflexive about this issue: change it, or leave (both literally and metaphorically) it? God's the head of this house and He will not let His church fall: by His very Word, He upholds the universe, what more a church/ spiritual community? As I write this out, there is a certain assurance in my heart that He is present and He knows best. Whether or not I'm gonna be part of His plan, I don't know. All I know now is that He is control and He will act when it is time for His name's sake.

As of now, I just want to be found obedient and fulfill what Christ asked Peter to do if the latter loved Him: Feed His sheep -- that's all I want to do.

Today while walking out for lunch, there was a strange question that stirred in my heart. And the question goes: If God has given me the gift of faith just like the talent the Master gave His servant, then what in the world am I doing with this gift? Have I been like the first servant who used it and gotten back twofold; or have I been like the last servant who hid his talent in the ground for fear that the Master will lose all when He returns?

It was an intriguing question.

And if this wasn't strange enough, another strange stirring came upon me; only this time, it was in the form of an unexplainable 'confused' expectation. I use the word 'confused' only because this expectation is not really formulated as of yet. It's more like a nagging feeling... A very hazy nagging feeling. But the expectation went something like this: If I were to use this gift of faith to pray for the upcoming church camp (Crux and Unify) and pray fervantly for it, something awesome's gonna happen during those six days in camp. And I say this because of two reasons really. Firstly, because like the people in the Bible who prayed and asked fervantly it was given unto them, hence in the same way as it was done in the Word, it will be done today. Secondly, it is simply because I'm using the very gift that the Lord has given to me. Somewhere else in the Word it says that to the person who has, more shall be given. If I were to use this gift of faith and pray up a storm for this camp, OH MY, I'll be growing from "strength to strength, faith to faith".

I've made up my mind. And that is to exercise this gift of faith that He has so, so richly blessed me with. Even as I type this out, there's a strange strength, energy and excitement that runs through my fingers. WOOHOO.

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It hurts me so much to see my kid upset. Such is the pain of a parent; at the same time, such is the Joy of a parent too. I had a chat with him last night about his disappointing loss in his match the day before. He felt it wasn't the best he played and was so distraught, he didn't even want to talk to me about it on the same day of his loss. We had a chat which transpired just a few minutes ago and I was helping him process his thoughts, emotions and perhaps lessons from the Lord.

Turned out that perhaps the Lord's teaching him how to trust in Him more -- it's a lesson He taught me today as I fell into sin again. Perhaps the same question I posed to him -- a question I didn't even plan for -- can be extended to myself [and perhaps you out there]: Where is God in all that had just transpired? Where is God in all of whatever you're doing now? Or just simply, where is God?

We tend to put so much confidence in our own flesh -- body, strength, racket/ swim/ ball strokes, mental energy -- and then base our efforts and claim our 'best' based on these fleshy attributes. So on one hand we believe so much in ourselves, and on the other we say God is sovereign in all things. How then do we connect both thoughts together? If we believe in ourselves, then to some extent we believe that we can do all things regardless of God; and if we believe that God's sovereign, how come we find it hard to take that in when we lose?

And so here's how I connect them both.

Simply, our 'best' should never be based on our fleshy attributes but on the very strength, power and ability of God. That being said, it would also mean that our very presence or being at the game/ competition/ contest/ match is in itself our 'best' toward God. If we believe that we can do all things THROUGH God, then surely, our strength, power, ability must stem from Him and Him alone isn't it? Moreover, God's not just a giver of gifts, He IS the gift and what's more this gift now resides in us! No wonder the Bible says we can do all things THROUGH God! The question then is, where then have we gotten this mixed up? Perhaps because we tend to put so much emphasis on our training and drills and forgotten completely what the Lord can do in and through us! It's much like studying really; sometimes, we ought to do what we NEED and CAN do, and then before the battle begins "Be still and know that He is God".

My heart still aches for that boy; he really does have a soft spot in my heart, like my other two boys and kids. But somehow I know that the Lord is in control and more than ever, He's teaching them and in the process of it, encouraging and comforting them, even mentoring them just as He is doing ever so patiently with me. Such situations only remind me that as a mentor over my boys and a leader over my kids, I ought to make much of God and not of me. Christ is the Great High Shepherd! Christ is the Great I Am! Christ is the Master, Teacher and Lord! Christ is God and Christ is gloriously awesome!

"What is man that you should be mindful of him?": He is mindful of us -- me and you -- even though He has no reason to do so. That's the unfathomable love of Christ for us. That is that unfathomable love of God for me.

What I did was wrong, but perhaps there's some good in it;

Why do you think it was wrong?

What I did was wrong, but perhaps there's some good in it;

Why do you guys gang up on me?

What I did was wrong, but perhaps there's some good in it;

Why does it seem as though I'm punished for it?

What I did was wrong, but perhaps there's some good in it;

Why should I believe you and do what you say?

What I did was wrong, but perhaps there's some good in it;

Why should I listen to you and get convicted?

But that's what You did -- Convict.

I've been running away in rebellion against myself, against the leadership and against God. Ironically the more I run away from God, the more I ask God to bring me to a point of confrontation where I'm forced not to run. And boy, He did, only in a much gentler fashion, one that's worthy of a gentlemanly father.

You confronted me with songs in my playlist and the messages that seemed to respond to my desires, they were all signs of you pursuing me before I even wanted to pursue you. And now I recall you telling Nathanael that you saw him before he became your disciple. God, you've been pursuing me all this while and only now do I see your sweet, gentle and patient love for me.

Like a Father, you loved me despite my failures.

Like a teacher, you taught me many lessons.

Like a mentor, you guided my footsteps and counselled me.

Like a jealous lover, you pursued me and kept me.

Like God... no,

YOU ARE GOD.

I am upset that my expectation wasn't met but at the same time, I am struggling alongside him. I know I need to be firm in my stand lest he flouts the rules we decided a year back, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings any further. I NEED TO FIND THAT MIDDLE GROUND AND BE COMFORTABLE IN IT.

I am (You are) wrestling with the mentor's heart.