Last time I checked, the last blog entry was in June. That entry had me musing, reflecting how transient my thoughts are. For that matter, now that I think about it, how transient life is. In June, I ended off a thank-you note to God (as if He reads blogs in the first place; He knows my thoughts even before I speak them the Bible says), this time however it seems almost as if cynicism drives a big part of my life. See, in the past month I've been hurt; but more than that, I've been hurt by my closest friends.
Please do not be mistaken: I'm not penning this entry because I'm still angry/upset over what took place. I mean, when I think about it I do get periodically upset -- not angry -- but that's not my intention here. Being a sociology major, being cynical is part of the deal; so for me, cynicism is somewhat my way of thinking: it's how I'm trained to view the social world and its reality placed before me. And I've never had any problems reconciling my faith with this cynicism. I've always seen, and still do, see my cynicism being stemmed from my (and by relation, the human race) imperfect knowledge of how the world works and its intenal logic/ mechanisms. I could live with that; rather, I could live with myself.
But this time round when I pen this entry, I'm a victim of the alienated world; I am as a close friend would say, a "lone ranger". As mentioned before I was hurt by my closest friends. It was as if a part of me died with it. Needless to say, a part of our friendship died along with it. Oh, the unintended consequences but nevertheless the sad realities of life! I thought I was alone in all of this mess, but I was wrong. Very recently I chanced upon a blog, created by a very close friend, where I read his intimate feelings. I wouldn't say it was poetic, but one can tell the tough rationalisation and reconciliation he had to face between his emotions and realities. Since he is a very close friend of mine, seeing and knowing him to hurt only made me hurt; and in the process, that made me even more cynical of relationships.
Don't be mistaken: I believe in relationships. But I also believe that relationships are meaningful only when there is trust present. With trust comes a certain level of respect that comes along with an expectation that one places on the other. When either of this fails, the relationship breaks down either in part or in the extreme case, in full. Religion though personal, is also a social phenomenon. Don't give me that crap about respecting and trusting the other without receiving the same yourself. If it ain't an input-output (doesn't have to be mutual; I'm suggesting a chain) system, that relationship is doomed to fail.
Maybe a part of my friendship with them has indeed died. Whether or not it is being revived again, that we shall have to wait for time to finish its course before we return to this discourse again. But given my current cynicism, I suppose that part has died and like Ensor's painting of "Skeletons Warming Themselves" (1889), I suppose it's pointless to revive it/ for it to be revived.
