Relationships.

So here's the deal about relationships: I'm not opposed to them amongst youths, I'm just not completely for them. Here's why.

(1) This just ain't the right season.

(2) Not many at that age are ready for marriage anyway.

(3) For the boys-men, girls are not meant to be our trophies for us to brag about.

(4) For friends getting attached, in the event of a break-up the group is forced to take sides which leads to the fragmentation of the once-tight-knit group of friends.

(5) All of the above just ain't gonna bring God the glory He deserves.

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I ain't jealous; instead I'm sorrowful.

If we believe that God has great plans for us, why can't we recognise too then that He has great plans for us in the area of our marriage and relationships?

the call.

The way to social change is not to change, even revolutionise, the social system but by teaching and empowering our youths in realising that they too can make a difference in someone else's life.

I just went for my last Medical Sociology lecture and it was bloddy depressing considering the social structure of Singapore. We are not only class-conscious but also class-anxious. Let's not even talk about having quality of life if we can't even survive with the capital we have or will earn. We are anxious for the future and the strangely, the hope that we'd do better than our parents' generation still lurks mysteriously in our optimistic mind.

Marx was over-simplistic --- the social structure cannot be changed overnight. I wonder then what the hell am I studying Sociology for. I remember feeling this way when I took an Economic Sociology module; seems like nothing has changed huh. And here I am faced with the dilemma of deciding to work as an educator or to pursue a post-graudate degree, I still wonder where's my place in the world.

So I come to my conclusion: since I cannot possibly revolutionise the world and change the social structure, start small and begin with the youths. Whatever I choose --- to study or to work --- immediately after graduation, will definitely be about educating our youths and empowering them to begin their own mini-revolutions themselves. Of course the question I ought to ask then is: Which group of students should I educate --- High School, Pre-University or College?

Father, reveal more and more of Your plan for me. I know you're calling me into teaching, into the education profession. But I pray you show me, increasingly, the group of youths you want me to empower most effectively. Empowerment doesn't stem from me but from You; I am but Your conduit and I'm only honoured to be considered as one. Show me Lord, show me.

Remember this Darren, remember this.

'nuff said, men can be as insecure as women.

so stop treating men to be some hard-up,

solid, tough, macho dood cause they're not;

I'm not.

just listen and hear their silent struggles

amidst the stereotyped straitjackets forced on them;

listen to their silence

because perhaps in that silence

is where the agony truly lies.

God, networks and heartlessness

Recently I don't like to post entries online because the online space is getting a little too public for my liking; some thoughts ought to be kept within the offline zones, away from prying eyes and inquisitive hearts. But this time, just this time, I'm gonna blog about some things/ emotions/ thoughts that would be way too painful (both literally and figuratively) to pen it out on my tangible diary.

"Am I heartless?"

I walked home wondering if I really was that given the circumstances involving a friend's relationship. Actually a mutual friend told me about it last weekend, and I gave her the irritated response. Her response to me was exactly that which made me think today (now) whether I'm some heartless asshole. Okay, granted I wasn't told of it tonight; so technically I shouldn't know about it. But in all honesty, if I knew it'd work out to this emotional cost, I really wouldn't want to know. BUT then again this involves a friend --- a relatively close one too --- I can't simply walk away and not care, can I? I mean I feel disappointed for and with her, would lend her my shoulder to cry on or even cry with her; but I was feeling irritated, perhaps even angry inside. It was an anger directed at the relationship, at both fellas and at the timing of it. It was a relationship that hasn't found its feet repeatedly; it was a rocky one, perhaps one perpetually caught in a storm or at least one with looming dark clouds. Biblically, it was not okay (unequally yoked). But how do you say these things to a hurting friend?! Yes the truth hurts, but I ain't some moral crusader. I don't know how to tackle this, not even sure whether I should since technically I shouldn't know of it. Fact that word didn't come to me via a primary OR secondary source really does speak a lil of the strength of ties between the relevant parties eh (following social network theory). But this isn't the place to debate the relevancy of academia; I just want to learn (know) how to manage this emotion.

"I (think I) am a heartless single."

While showering I wondered whether my nonchalency, even my anger, could be attributed to my historical lack of a girlfriend. My apathy for the grieving halves is hence not real and perhaps unrealistic. That thought came to me as a counter-argument for all the advice I was thinking of dishing out. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps the way to go about doing this is not to do anything but quietly support the grieving. Nevertheless this silence doesn't do anything that reduces or mitigates the emotion of anger: I still am rather irritated. How can I correct if I've never been through it? I have no moral standing, neither can I make legitimate claims simply because I have a lack of 'experience'. I don't want to correct also because I don't know what's right, or wrong --- which is also an outcome of the experiential lack.

"Informal social networks: seeking man before seeking God"

I wonder now whether whenever we face trials, setbacks even heartbreaks, our first response is to seek man, instead of first seeking God. And my my, news does travel fast (especially-ironically in the ministry where gossiping is sin). I asked whether the grieving needed people there --- now that I think of it, I think my larger question could have been: essentially, does she have that space to seek God first or have people (friends) crowd that divine appointment out? As a disclaimer, I don't always seek God first all the time (yes, even till now) simply because sometimes all I really want is a hug from a close brother or a listening ear and zipped lips. But nevertheless, I asked myself as I took the elevator up to my apartment: Where's God in all of this?

It's even more interesting, now that I think of it, because I just shared with the camp leaders about how "All theology is practical theology". Now I see this discourse of 'god' (intentionally left in lowercase) can be a means to shrug another off, be extremely offensive and even symbolically violent. Biblically, here I am reminded of the love that the Bible exhorts us to do: strangely I'm also reminded that I just shared with the main camp committee about how when the Bible instructs us to do something, more likely than not these commandments stem from something much deeper, beyond the realm of bone and marrow.

I asked God: Why did you let me listen to all of this when I, who was almost dead beat in the car, could and wanted to go home? It is a question that I think I will not be able to answer quickly; but the one thing I'm confident about is that: all things shall work out good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose --- this I am well assured.

my thoughts, for future use

So my kids Chloe and Nick are back from their China mission trip, and damn am I glad to have them back.

But something else stirred within me this whole day.

How could I, a sinner, be used by God as a leader, camp commandant, or a mentor and witness for myself the transforming power of Christ?

Today, I experienced all three: from the sin to the Camp AAR-cum-thanksgiving to the welcome party for Chloe and Nick.

I recall the vision I had when I was in sec 2: remember the white building in a field? Yea, that one.

I recall the unsettled-ness in me when I was scrolling through MOE's website for teacher recruitment, exam syllabi and NIE post-graduate diploma programme site. It just didn't sit well within me.

To be honest, when my kids recount their experience in China to me, I was truly happy for them --- that they have seen the work and reality of God. But I also know that they barely skimmed the surface of what the Bible terms as "tasting and seeing that the Lord is good"; they were there for barely a week. But yet just as I felt all that immense joy at their growth and spiritual maturity and encounters with God, I know deep within me I just haven't been given the heart for missions, yet. 

Perhaps one day I will be called to be a missionary, perhaps.

But if the abovementioned vision really did come from God, then I'm sure He's gonna prepare me adequately to face the challenges ahead.

I remember praying for myself that though darkness shrouds me and the path before me seems uncertain, even bleak, I know from the Word of God that His very Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Deal with my unbelief Lord!

Help me with my doubts Lord!

Save me from my self-righteousness Lord!

Not my will, but thine be done!

There's just so many emotions and thoughts that is contained within me. I need time to recuperate, reflect and be brought to remembrance not only His goodness to me thus far, but also His Word, vision and calling for me.

I love you Nick,

I love you Chloe,

I'm glad both of you are back.

But more so,

I'm glad God is with you

and my, look how you've grown!

'Tis the joy of your leader!

'Tis the joy of your mentor!

That no ma shall boast in himself,

but in Christ,

 and Christ alone.