trust me, nothing's changed

I travelled home by bus today, again. While that was nothing new, this thought was.

 

Okay, it wasn't. The thought was more of a reminder than anything fresh from the oven. But I think it's worth penning it down, just in case in the months or years to come someone within this body of mine will chance upon it and realise new things about a self that lies beyond this body; so here goes.

 

I travelled home by bus today, again. And as the bus moved along the road, I looked up and there it was hanging in the skies on thin threads --- the moon. It wasn't a full moon, nay it was a thin crescent. Yet the lit white-puffy clouds almost gave it a surreal look, like it was a magical halloween night.

 

A thought flew right smack into the head and I was taken back to a distant past, a distant realm. A realm so far, it was an entirely different place. I recall the moments in starlight walking past the vehicles and admiring the beautiful artworks of the Creator both in the skies and the foliage before me. I recall the mornings of beautiful sunrises and the evenings painted an eclectic mix of blues, reds and orange. The blending of colours in the sky was superb and till today, I have not seen anything quite like it. The best part of it, or not, was that I spent it all alone.

 

Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. No one likes to be lonely, but everyone likes to be alone at times. I love being alone; it's my time with God; it's also my time with 'me'. So those mornings up and down that ramp, past the vehicles (twice) and into that darn room, yup those were alone times. And I recall the moments when I raise my voice in worship, aloud, and in thanksgiving for the opportunity for starlight. It is still an opportunity I cherish; those remain to be moments I relish.

 

And here I am, travelling home by bus again. I am alone, but not lonely --- or at least the pangs of loneliness had not yet assaulted me. I realise I have not changed a single bit. Here I am, back in the land I call home, the land I grew up in and I just read Connell's book and am somewhat stressed out at the list of things I have to do for just one final year project, I realise I have not changed a single bit; no, not one single bit.

 

I may be alone, but I have grown up alone. I grew up alone fighting for myself; yes I am a fighter. So I shall fight on in this battle with academia. I shall fight on because I have done so for the past years of my life. This is not to say I have no friends to confide in; fact is, I do. But I have conditioned myself all these years to be independent and fight for myself. Alone-ness, yea even loneliness, is no excuse for shit attitudes and shit work; it is defnitely not an excuse to back down and give up.

 

This is me, this is who I am.