will you?

Today's one of those days where you just don't feel like talking to anyone and simply, well, be alone. I reckon people will question my emotional state but really I just don't feel like talking. Funny thing about it all is how even though I don't want to talk, I do wish to be around people; ah, the irony of it all: to want to be alone yet be around people. It's one of those lil' ironies of the heart (I believe) that I'm pretty sure some can relate to. Maybe what I need is some time alone by the sea, look out into the horizon and contemplate the goodness and mercies of God. But that time alone ought to be shared with another; here's where I believe a true friend is darn important. He need not speak much, he only needs to be there. A true friend's presence is more than enough comfort for me.

There isn't a need to ask, neither is there a need to explain. Because honestly, I don't have any answer for the reasons of my current state. It's also not because I don't want to share; it's really because I have no answer for myself.

I'm not complaining about helming leaders' cell tonight; I'm also not complaining about needing to submit three assignments during and immediately after the Good Friday - Easter holiday weekend. I take joy in these things when they come my way and I don't even consider them trials and tribulations. So it's not what I have to do that's causing this; in fact, I don't think there is a real need to find that answer.

Perhaps this is the answer I need --- a song I was singing while walking home from the bus stop.

"Deep in my soul is a tug-of-war

I'm struggling to know what this life is for;

I try so hard to stay in control

- to hold back the tears, to not let go.

I don't know why I hang on so long

when I know the question you are asking me.

(and it goes)

"Will you worship?

Will you bow down
- before your Lord and King?

Will you love me

- will you give me your heart,
your everything?"

tis' my prayer: take my cup, fill it up and make me whole // thy will be done, not mine // for thine is the kingdom, power and glory forever and ever // amen.