Blessed Christmas 2009

it's been quite a while since i last said something here and much have happened during this period. i wouldn't bother to retell my experiences here since it would be absolutely pointless and completely ludicrous to do so.

we're only a few minutes from Christmas, the day the world celebrates the season of giving and also the day Christ our Saviour is born. as i've mentioned earlier, much have happened over these few weeks of mad rush. i've wanted some peace of mind so badly during that hectic moments and now i've got it. strangely, i get this peace on the eve of Christmas. when i'm supposed to feel all fuzzy and warm inside, instead i get all peaceful, perhaps even to the point of feeling well, almost lonely.

reading the news these days, there has been snowstorms all over europe and eastern usa. i suppose what's missing this Christmas is the warmth and fuzzy feeling derived from loved ones and friends, in the midst of a cold snowstorm of life.

Happy Birthday Jesus :)

WOAH. The last time I wrote in here was what, a month ago? That's ludicrous. At this point if I were to apologise to my readers or worse, to my blog for 'neglecting' them/ it, I'd be insane. So in order to protect my sanity, I wouldn't.

In this past one month, much has taken place. Not just random hall activities, but also the consistant and constant mugging in the j-room. Urgh. Just Andrew, Ming En, Sheree and I in the room studying our asses off. Of course, in the case of Ming En, she's just perpetually counting and re-counting tee-shirt orders. But oh well, these people are my study buddies. (Come to think of it, I'm wondering what'd be going through my dense brain when I read this ten, twenty years down the road. Worse yet, what will my sons and grandsons think of me?)

So as I was saying the exams are over, well, since last Tuesday that is. It was no easy feat considering that my first day of exams saw me going to two different examination halls for two seperate content-heavy papers - LIT and 103. Urgh. By the time the day ended, my hand literally went limp. Urgh. When I reached back to my room, I was so tired I told myself I'd just chill on facebook then go straight to bed before hitting the books again the next day. But no, Clara messaged me online saying Great-grandaunt passed away the noon before. Naturally, I was shocked. I wasn't particularly close to her, but still I missed her company, especially the times when all of us would gather at her place to celebrate her birthdays. Oh yes, those were memorable times. But now, she's gone, thankfully to be with the Lord.

And all that happened two weeks ago. Fast forward to last week, I finished my paper on tuesday with 102. After which, I went home to prep myself up for the Amazing(race) Camp. Since that day, I haven't had a good night's rest. Always up in the morning just to get to some strange place, hoping that I could catch a quick shut-eye on the transport to and fro the place. That hope never really did come to pass. I remained awake for much of the journey, but then again, oh well. The fatigue's setting in now, thankfully after Church.

Everything above has been said and done.

Rather it is the life with you that my mind dwells upon

A memory. A distant memory. A recollection of events.

I need to re-evaluate all of that has transpired.

By then I fear I'd cringe at the outcome,

Or be in awe of His goodness and providence.

But really by then, I wonder where you'll even be?

i want to sleep, no. i need to sleep. but yet i cannot. i cannot dream if this 'nightmarish' reality does not pass from me. i cannot shut my eyes nor ears nor mind, let alone dream of fluffy cotton-like dreams.

i long for the bed, no. i pine for the bed. but yet i cannot. i cannot lay my heavy head down until i return to my room. i cannot leave nor walk from where i am because strangely, something is tying me down.

ah yes, the knife is here. it has cut me loose.

and off i fly to my bed-portal into the world of cotton fluffs and candy canes.

perhaps one of the saddest text i've ever read

"He rushed beyond the barrier and called to her to follow. He was shouted at to go on but he still called to her. She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal. Her eyes gave him no sign of love or farewell or recognition."

(Eveline by James Joyce)

ah yes, so I'm finally posting something here after a pretty long hiatus. As of date, I've finished all my sociology essays/assignments and am currently working on my lit and writing essay/assignment. Okay, enough of that bull-crap. (Honestly, who cares about what I've been busy with. You?)

-urgh.

I just want you to know I'm here for you.

mm, it's that simple I guess...

i just walked out of my literature lecture today feeling some sense of emptiness. It left me wondering why. Perhaps it was the film Persona that left me pretty speechless, both in a good and bad way. Or maybe it's because I'm getting jaded from school and the system. Perhaps it is the fatigue that has accompanied me since Monday. Perhaps . . . Perhaps . . . Perhaps . . .

I've never liked the concept of the unknown. Or worse yet, the concept of what could have been. Come to think of it, the worst is possible the concept of what should have been.

ah, yes. the process of rationalisation has kept me sane. That broke my train of irrationality and emo-ness.

Think rational dude, that's the only way to keep sane.

Singapore's Strange Logic

Yesterday evening I went to a friend's place at Serangoon for Bible Study. To get there, I had to exit at the station on the Circle Line. Serangoon having 2 'different' stations situated on different train routes were linked via a short linkway. It was at this linkway, that I noticed the strangest logic of Singaporeans.

In this linkway, there is a travellator which technically is supposed to aid in the movement of mass blocks of people especially during the rush hour. What was strange and ironical here was the massive jam caused at the entrance to the travellator. People queued just to get onto the moving piece of steel instead of walking down the gently sloped floor. Goodness, people were that lazy to even walk down as opposed to walking up. And there weren't even stairs; it was simply a gently sloped floor.

I admit, I was one of the lazy ones.

So on the travellator, I was quite surprised to see a line of people standing to their left creating this nice passageway for people rushing to board the train over at the Circle Line. Within seconds since I 'boarded' the moving steel, I saw people walking down the right lane. I turned around and there I saw, hardly anyone standing static and holding the handrails as the law requires them to do. Everybody was brisk walking down the runway. It was past 7pm and the Little Nonya has finished its run already, so why the rush? Is Singapore literally a fast-paced society?

I admit, I joined in the fray - wanted to know what was it like to blend in with the crowd and not stick out like a sore thumb. The feeling of keeping up with the pace, since there were people less than an arm's length away from me, was pretty exhilarating. I don't believe I'm actually saying this, but I think I was somewhat stressed; Or at least, I was pressured.

What was even more strange here was that in all that relatively mad rush, as opposed to the calm state of those who choose to abide by the law and hold the handrail, they suddenly stopped. And it wasn't as if the travellator was coming to its end. No, there was at least still a good fifteen to twenty metres away from its destination, when the whole chunk of us stopped in our tracks. I could not see what was blocking us from moving. Even if it was a pram or a wheelchair, surely there would be ample room for us to stream in a line past them in the express right lane?

It was the strangest logic of Singaporeans I thought to myself. A mad rush for something and at the most inappropriate times, even if it was minutes from reaching/ attaininment, we somehow stop and rest. Shouldn't we press on further and finish whatever we need to complete?

This is the country I've lived in.

And this country bewilders me at times.

Singapore's Strange Logic.

Our Strange, Unique Logic.

I was reading the news article concerning parents up in arms over the recent PSLE mathematics paper, and my only response to that article was... "GET USED TO IT."

It brings back memories of My year's PSLE mathematics paper which had parents up in arms as well (seems like parents love that little arm exercise just to lambast the state eh). If I'm not mistaken, my year was the first year the paper was too difficult for the students to handle. Then again, if you look at it from the state's perspectives, my batch was the much-talked-about '88 Dragon batch so perhaps the rationale for the high level of difficulty was to do an easier streaming process.

(brings back thoughts of inequality, but that's another topic altogether)

Back to this year's paper, hey face it. There's the use of a calculator, parents should have obviously known that the standard would at least be slightly harder considering that the child now can use an additional calculative brain, so to speak, to aid him/her in the exams. DUH, the paper would be difficult. SO GET USED TO IT.

.

Besides, it's not as if this is the first time such a "arm-raising" exercise has happened over a PSLE paper. Come to think of it, it's JUST the PSLE paper; there's a whole road of opportunities for any child after those 4 papers. And with all the new schemes coming up, even if you go to a Normal (Academic) Stream, do well enough prove your worth and get promoted to the Express Stream. Same thing for the Normal (Technical) kids. Back in my time, there wasn't anything like that. So make full use of it for goodness sake.

(brings back thoughts of meritocracy and pragmatism)

Besides, parents ought to remember that at the PSLE or whatever national exam it may be, there's always moderation. There's the elusive bell-curve. So it doesn't matter if you get 50% cause if you're the top of your cohort, then hey you get your A* (goodness, even this term sounds ancient to me). SO PARENTS: TAKE A CHILL PILL MAN! HAVE SOME CONFIDENCE IN YOUR KIDS. STOP PROTECTING THEM >> THEY GOTTA LEARN HOW TO SURVIVE IN THIS HARSH SINGAPORE ACADEMIC LANDSCAPE.

(brings back thoughts of inequality & meritocracy again)

Urgh, Sociology's screwing my brain.

woots! my God is faithful and true.

what a promise that is!

I managed to complete my literature essay as well as two presentations this week so that means... WORK FOR THIS WEEK IS CLEARED! shiok. To think that I only worked on my literature paper last night, and to have it finished by this afternoon just before tutorial started, That is a testimony of His grace and providence. I thought I gave my best shot for the lit essay, considering that I've never taken lit before and for that matter, also considering my busy schedules.

I serve an Amazing God.

God's been good, so good.

This morning, I had my group presentation on education and class. It went fantastic. A classmate commented I gave the impression that I wanted to speak so badly since the recess week just from my opening line. I say, it's the Lord who gave me those words.

Then I started to think about my personality traits as suggested from the DISC-survey which we did during the JCRC retreat. In fact I did a bit of future planning this morning whilst in the shower. "What exactly did I want to be in the future/ What were my career options or aspirations?" Questions like these rushed through my head. (I noticed I'm starting to sound strange with all this talk, but hey it did happen, and perhaps just perhaps, I am strange). I thought of friend who did the same survey as I did, and considered his career aspirations (since he had candidly shared with me once) for him. I believe he will do awesome in that aspired career. What about me, then?

Full time ministry did not cross my mind then, in fact it was the History Channel one that I was thinking about (not that I want that job, but it's just a thought that my long-time friend currently working in America put in my head). Often, I've told myself that I never wanted to stay in Singapore in the first place; if ever given the chance to work overseas, I will pack and leave. After all, the only things holding me grounded here is my family and kids.

Come to think of it, I recall last sunday's sermon about God using the little things that we have and makes them big, and worthy for His use. No small thing is too small for God nor big thing too big for God, He is more than able to bring me through this week, and the coming years ahead.

.

Where God leads, I will go.

(but I do hope it's overseas)

when has chatting on facebook been a sin?

friends out there, don't be strange.

I know I should really be sleeping, but I had to blog about this.

Today, for the first time ever (I believe), all 8 leaders were present for dinner! I must commend everyone for taking time off their busy schedules to make it for this dinner. (I sound like I'm the DL - sorry Greg - but hey I'm just simply thrilled to see everybody present at the table) It's not like common at all for us to gather in this manner, I mean even support group has a relatively poorer attendance rate compared to tonight's dinner turnout. So, well done ya'll.

On a seperate note, I decided to walk from the interchange back home. And as always, I started to talk to myself. I'm strange I know, but paradoxically I think by doing so I keep myself level-headed, perhaps even sane. Things started to fall into its rightful places and priorities were both strengthened and fixated. I know where I should stand on certain issues, and I now have the faith to believe that God will see me through.

I never thought much about where our journey will lead us to, and after tonight I realise I shouldn't even be thinking about it. We're just partners, distinctly seperated, walking down the same road, enjoying each other's company. I don't want to know, neither do I need to know where and when that road will take us to. But what I do know is that such company is hard to come by and I hope you'd treasure it as much as I do. We are after all, two (happy?) partners whose journeys have seemed to cross and perhaps merge.

With that, I shall end here and go straight to bed.

in a span of one week or so, here's what i have to conquer:

1) 2 Presentations (One group, One Pair)

2) 2 Essays (1 Lit-poetry essay, 1 SOC-SGP essay)

in that same span of one week, here's what i have in store:

1) Cousin's Wedding

2) JCRC Retreat, which for some reason lasts 3 days

3) Tuition, which would probably take 3 days as well

4) CATCH-UP ON READINGS

one recess week in varsity is equivalent to 20 mins of recess in primary school, where 5 mins is spent on buying the food and 15 mins playing ice-and-water in the carpark.

I CANNOT spend my recess week like that.

it needs to be productive,

it got to be productive,

it better be productive.

I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!

you know you bring _______ to me (my life)

anyone can insert anything in that blank

then again, not everyone will

question is, will you?

i just want to say,

you've been a fantastic friend all these while. so take care kiddo; do find courage and solace in the Lord. you know you're not alone because you've got this pal watching your back, praying for you, and always ready to listen and comfort and support and encourage.

be strong my brother.

In His Most Amazing Love,

Darren.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall."

(Psalms 55:22)

it has been one hell of a day(ride) today.

it started off with a beautiful blessed and joyous win at the Amazing Art Find which was a Singapore Art Show event based upon the concept of the Amazing Race but based in and on the context of the local sculpture scene. we arrived third in position for the race itself but the resutls of the race was based on not just our time score but also the accuracy of our answers. and honestly we -darel, muzz and myself- thought we wouldn't win because the third prize was won by a group which didn't come in after us, aka fourth. so when the result for the second prize was read out that we won, duh we shouted. ha. what a shock win!

i came home from the race, bathed and within an hour was out again only to find myself in sam's house to celebrate wilbur's birthday. it was here where i was able to finally have the chance to sit down and have a good talk with mark - something we haven't done in a long while. it was fantastic to have been able to talk so freely, well relatively, despite the long break in our correspondance. but it got me thinking of certain things on my way back home.

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about a relationship?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about my career?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm simply baring my heart out, even to strangers?

i think the topic of masculinity has been a troubling issue for many boys, myself included? what makes one a man? definitely not the genitalia because essentially we are all equal in that aspect. so what else makes a man well, male? a muscular body size perhaps? or maybe assertive leadership skills? good complexion? or possibly the use of profanities? i think the list goes on. but suffice to say, i think boy youths are simply unsure of themselves. they lack confidence simply because there is no one person that they can emulate. in fact, there are many as the media portrays them to be. rich, famous, good looking, tall, dark, muscular, witty, these are just some of the attributes of these 'role models'. but honestly who can ever meet those criterion without any form of physical intervention (ie. plastic surgery or protein shakes)? credit to those who actually are blessed with all those traits, but in reality hardly any boy youth would be able to feel adequate. there is a feeling of inadequacy, a void that desperately needs to be filled, with something i do not know of. it is this inadequacy that causes boy youths, even men to find solace in each other to reaffirm their masculinity.

.

but then again, we ask the question: what if solace cannot be found, then what would happen to our boys and our men? it is still a technical question founded on emotions that i'm grappling with. that doesn't make me less of a man, or for that matter less of a male. in fact, i think it makes me more of a male - the ability to think for oneself and not be conformed to the social patterns of this world.

ah, sociology has effectively screwed my mind.

i'm supposed to be studying (reading) actually. but strangely enough i'm here, at the keyboard. somehow, there seems to be a mismatch of my current state of mind with my surroundings. the fatigue birthed from last sunday is beginning to take its full form but i'm here, at the keyboard, in school. i feel weak. no, not spiritually but physically weak and i know i need sleep. but there's a pressing need to read (study) that somehow i feel almost compelled to listen to the inner mugger. and so i will but i shall start with tomorrow. oh, if you know me well enough you'd know i'd do it - the ability to sit at the desk with no apparent entertainment and study for a straight 6 hours. i've done it before, 8 hours actually to be exact, and i could do it again. but to do that, i'd need ample rest, and sleep. urgh, i shouldn't have done my laundry with sam. cause that'd mean i'd have to wait at least three-quarters an hour before i can even sleep. however, in the face of all these heavy chains and shackles, i will 'look up' towards high heavens for my 'redemption draweths nigh'.

He is faithful and

He will be faithful because

He is my God and

He is GOD.

finally, the long run and the wait is over.

it started on a sunday afternoon and ended this morning, 2.30am to be exact. on hindsight now, i realised how insane the schedule had been for me. sleeping at around 2am every night/morning and waking up the next day at 8 was not an easy task. no, definitely not. many times i had to overcome my fatigue to literally drag my feet out of bed and then gravity does the work of getting my thin heavy body out from the sheets. come to think of it despite the fatigue in the morning, i always tend to end the day with at least some strength. i can only ascribe this gift of strength to the Lord who has so freely given it to me. indeed, He has been found faithful in my circumstances. i listened to 'Unfailing God' by New Life Worship and couldn't help but be amazed at the truth of it all. that the Lord does not fail us even in times of our desperation and need.

honestly speaking, i don't even know whether i'm making sense in that paragraph. the lack of sleep is getting to my eyes and head. but i need to study. i have to study. it's not a choice, it's a responsibility.

"You are unfailing God

Your love's unending

and Your Word is eternal-

firm in the heavens it stands"

i'm sitting in the library, staring into blank space. well not exactly blank space - i've got the computer screen to look at. people walk by me; people talk around me. there is an unusual calmness inside of me; there is an unusual level of noise for a library. and then i try to think ahead of what is to come tonight at the elections. strangely enough, i'm not thinking much. my mind draws a blank. i've been at this library for the past one hour, photocopying readings and printing notes from the net. a preoccupation perhaps? a responsibility maybe? i'm starting to realise the breath of being a varsity student. thinning out my efforts and work across my academic studies. oh the phone rings.

let's talk later.

sometimes i do wonder what in the world do i do certain things for. such a thought passed through my head as i was walking down the pavements just along Liang Court. i was there for a school function; rather, a school social event. an event which featured the strangest things you see on your screen coming to life. think a bit harder, and perhaps filthier and you're somewhere there. to most, it seems normal. honestly, there were times i enjoyed myself, revelling in the fun of it all. but on the hindsight, i wondered to myself: what in the world was i doing. then i started to imagine the impression or response of what my lecturer would call a 'generalized other' or 'significant other' may have on me. is this merely a sociology lecture lesson put into practice? Could Cooley or Mead have been right all along about the Looking Glass Self theory? but all this academic talk aside, what mattered most to me was really the impression and/or response this 'significant generalized other' would have/act towards me.

would you smile at this information, or

would you frown at it? or maybe

would you be completely neutral?

i probably knew the answer to that question

but somehow, somewhere, someday i'm hoping

just hoping that my imagined judgement

would be completely wrong.

in the mental chaos
in the beginnings of realities
in the face of weakness
in times such as these
all i want is to be in Your Presence
all i want is to be with You
all i want is to be found where you are
and then, my heart will find its rest.

dilemma.

before entering college, i've constantly told myself that i want to do the things that i've never had the guts to do; hence the literature module i'm taking this semester. academics aside, i'm finding it tough to practise what i've been drowning myself in before varsity life even began.

i've always been an avid lover of the performing arts and therefore when given the opportunity to help out as an Event Manager of the arts festival held on campus, i readily signed myself up for it - that's doing something i like to do; not so much as i didn't have the guts to do it before, but rather it's something new and one that i'm passionate about. reason for joining: justified.

and then came the crunch, to run for publications secretary in the hall committee or not. doing publications brings me great great great joy and despite all the hard work and sweat and squinted eyes, there is still joy when you hold that work in your hands for the first time. tough line of work as compared to the other office-holders' responsibilities; relatively, it's a shit job to some. but hey, i like doing it. it's something i love doing. something i'm passionate about. something i believe i have the skills that i can use to contribute to the hall. something i'm always willing to learn from.

if i were to say i never had the guts to do this, i'd be lying... well partially. i was an editor in secondary school once so the job scope honestly doesn't daunt me. in fact it thrills me. and then if i were to say i never had the guts to run and hold rallies and do all that kind of stuff, i'd be lying... again, partially. technically i ran for office in the exco during my days in vjchoir. so all that interviews, and first round shortlist and second round questions and answers, i've been there done that. so question is, what's the big deal?

it becomes a big deal when everything is compounded. ah yes, the balance between work and play comes into question. i wonder if taking on these roles will greatly cause a tilt in the balance and cause a catastrophe in either of the sides.

i want to believe that my Lord will guide me cause i know He is faithful still. but how i wish that i was in the times of Moses where the Lord will lead the Isrealites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. ah, what i need is obvious answers.

no, what i need is the Lord.

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me."

- Proverbs 8:17

it's a strange thing to be in the east aka civilisation a few hours ago and now here i am, overseas in my room at the computer. my readings scream for me to read them, but noooo, i'm here at the keyboard merrily typing away. those few sentences exude sarcasm don't they, and those were the exact thoughts i had on the bus from the station into campus. but now that i'm actually physically In campus and having helped my friend with his angel-mortal nonsensical stuff, which by the way was pretty cool despite making my own efforts seem measly, school's kind of.. fun.

strangely enough as far as i can remember, i felt like crap when i left school on friday evening simply because i had to leave school. but now coming back into school seemed like a pain, a drag nearly. and now that i'm actually in school, it seems somewhat normal. no, i'm actually ready to take on a new week of academic life.

i can't believe i just said that. a week of academic life.

Academic life.

it's a beautiful thing to be in university. strangely enough a few weeks back i was doubtful possibly to the point of being terrified about rejoining the education system. but now it seems as if all's well and things are looking pretty smooth now.

although i must say that varsity life has only just begun. the lectures and tutorials have officially begun but the extra-curricular activities have not. ah, the catch there isn't it. i won't be surprised that in the weeks and months to come when the due dates for the various presentations draws nearer and the random extra activities start to mount up, stress levels rise and tensions, well perhaps they may rise, entries such as this is just going to be less cheerful.

but in the meantime, the Lord has been beautifully faithful as He's always been. i meditated on Psalms 23 on tuesday morning and found such a beauty in the text. sheesh, i'm making it sound like literature; which by the way, i managed to secure a place in a tutorial class where none of the students are english majors - praise God for that provision!

but the Lord IS faithful and always will be.

go read Psalms 23.

there is such beauty there

one that you cannot see

and then you will know that God really cares.

(musings) first week of school

this is/was the third day of school
it is also the third day i'm expected to use my brains
unfortunately, i think i've been using more of my legs
campus is huge especially when you walk from place to place
you start feeling the strain in the calves and thighs
you start perspiring from head to toe
and before you know it,
you're completely exhausted even before lecture begins

and this week is just the first week of school
no tutorials, no random hall work, only random dinners
the stomach's getting full, rather it's getting empty
the helter-skelter of the day makes it grumble
but yet the small snack before lectures tells me not to
only to suffer the consequences after the lectures
on the brighter side, there's always those random suppers
that are bound to make any skinny kid fat as a bee
small, fat, agile yet lethal
ah yes, that's what we ought to aspire to be shouldn't we?

National Day Parade 2009

This is home, truly
Where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me
Where the river always flows

This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home.

suffice to say, this is the first time in two years i've caught the national day parade live on local channels and honestly to have done so, there was somehow some excitement and pride stirred in my heart. having been overseas for a considerable period of time and not having the liberty of returning often to visit my family and close friends, it is pretty obvious where home really is. though i do not fully agree to the lyrics to that song, home is where my roots are and hey This is my roots, This is where i should belong.

watching like-minded Singaporeans waving the national flag proudly be it in their hands or as a car decal, national pride was evoked. somehow listening the the anthem being sung again by Singaporeans all over the land brought about a sense of solidarity and union, one that i never felt in a foreign land. as i have always encouraged and advised my juniors overseas: though the prospect of an overseas posting is both exciting and free, it is always good to know that there is at least one group of Singaporeans that you can find solace in. I have found that; I have found them. but nothing beats returning home.

For this is where I know I'm home.

the reason why harry potter is this famous is simply because it is the embodiment of the teenage life- fantasy, magic, love, chivalry and yes, frivolity

i miss my frivolous life.

FINALLY AN UPDATE! (i'm sick too)

you must probably be thinking, finally! darren posts something new on his blog. Finally! well, yea. i realised i haven't been writing in here since may partially because of the busy and hectic schedules and demands of work.

june has been one crazy month of activities in Speedlight. there was the leaders retreat cum camp leaders retreat that we organised the week immediately before the camp itself. that in all, was a huge killer to the mental state. you can possibly say it was then that i started to be sleep-deprived. oh well, then recently we just concluded the Light The Way project which was yet another mega project undertaken by the department. i had to help out, i just had to. couldn't just sit around, or worse leave before this project was concluded cause there are only like 5 full-time staff in the department? so yea, that took up some time too.

and guess what? i'm sick.

yea. sick. terrible feeling. i haven't fell sick since God knows when, so when this bout of viral infection (or as i was told by the doctor) came around, i kinda forgot how it was like to be sick. coughing around, feeling dizzy, loss of appetite, yadayadayada that sorta thing. BUT it was terrible on the first day (i'm somehow making this sound as if i'm having my first cramps or something eh?)

i could literally feel myself getting warmer and warmer and then i was hot all over in the morning just before i woke up. i thought it was just the air-con cause the day before that i started to develop a sore throat. i didn't think much of it then, cause i thought i just overworked my voice during sunday services. and i didn't think much of the "hotness", bathed and did the usual and then went to work. uh-uh, wrong move darren. back in the office i was so cold even though the air con above me was turned off and the one behind me was set at 25 degrees. who in the world gets cold at 25 degrees? and it was kinda strange too. my right hand was freezing icy cold but my left hand was warm, cause it was around my neck. ha. a quick check of my temperature revealed i had a slight fever. so just not to infect anyone else, i put on that facial bra. aih, it's not very comfortable really especially if you're wearing spectacles cause the hot air will rise and fog up your lenses.

oh well, i decided to take half day to go back see a doc and go home and sleep. doc said it was a viral infection, but the thing that made me happy was the speed at which the whole process took: 1 hour! ha, normally i would never see the doc in less than 2hours. so this was a good surprise, gave me a good idea too. heh. so on the way home, as i was climbing the overhead bridge, i was so dizzy i thought i had bit too much of a drink. terrible feeling. the moment i got back, i slept on the couch and didn't wake up till the night. i couldn't even eat properly. aih. but that was then.

i'm recovering now, so i've got that to Thank God for. but there's still this chunk of phlegm in my chest that i'm still trying to expel. have got some medicine for it, but i don't remember whether the drugs' supposed to dissolve it or to help me expel it.

hmmm, i'm still clueless about all this. if i'm not well by tomorrow, the phlegm too, i'm not going for hss camp. besides i'm still feeling random bouts of dizziness. scary eh. heck la.

Seasons

there's a season for everything

the fire continues to burn -
yes, it still does burn
but like a fire in summer
and everything starts getting warm,
the flame somehow fizzles out.

a while back ago,
the fire burned -
yes, it burned brightly
just like a fire in winter
and everything seemed so cold; ice
the flame did serve her purpose.

dear friends, it is not that i want to leave; neither have i chosen to leave, for good at least. i don't even ask for your support, but just a friend's understanding just like the ol' days. someone asked me to leave, jokingly i hope, but it hurt. it did. singing the anthem at the concert hall brought memories of our infant years; not much of the years we learnt to walk, surprisingly. nonetheless, they were good memories and please do know, and i pray you'd also understand that i have my reasons for my absence. i will be back, that's not an empty promise. take care folks <3

The Heart And The Thirst For Blood

i recently attended my first ever philharmonic winds concert on sunday evening and i must say, they were better than what i thought them to be. i can't even pride myself to say that i have more than ten band mp3s in my computer, let alone say i know band music well enough to critique this particular band that i watched perform at the esplanade concert hall.

so naturally, darren being darren, i started thinking...

a quick flip through of the concert programmes booklet would reveal much about the latest developments for this band. well suffice to say, they're going overseas for a band clinic, a symposium of sorts i believe. and then i started thinking about how my time both past and present in a choir was. how we, as a choir go overseas once every two years to sing and compete at international competitions. often and fortunately at times we won, and it's natural for choristers to voice their displeasure at the nation's disdain of the arts scene - especially, the choral scene in schools.

more often than not we, i too was involved in the fiasco, always think of ourselves as national representatives which honestly isn't wrong, but yet do not get the glory and media attention that we hoped we would get. even the most prominent school choir winning big time at some really big international choir competition wouldn't get as much publicity as the SEA Games; then again, very often we don't even get Any publicity.

you're probably thinking that i'm going to get all fired up to speak my case against the country's treatment to promising choirs, bands, dance groups and instrumental ensembles who have the highest hopes of achieving excellence in their field of expertise. to answer that throbbing question then, i would say as much as i don't like the way we're being treated, i start to ask myself now "What exactly drives us to pursue the arts?"

you see, i've been to a few international choral competitions around the globe during my time in choir (not as much as my really good seniors, but still suffices for me to talk about it) and i realised that there was a trend of rallying everybody together during the final build-up to the competition to put in that bit more effort, for what? "To win the Gold medal" / "To win the Grand Prize" / "To top our category" / "To bring glory to Singapore" (okay, i don't normally hear the last one, but still i know there are some loyal singing lions out there). are they not what we use to hear?

i was challenged to think about this - to reconsider the driving force as to what drives my passion to sing. if i were to sing my part well, and blend perfectly with the choir just so that we can win the gold medal, a grand prize or even to top our categories participated in, what joy do we derive from it? such a joy is short-lived. yes the meomory of winning at riva del garda still resounds fresh in my head, but the joy of touching the grand prize in italy was short-lived; it lasted for the moment.

recently, i also had the priveledge of watching the accalaimed musical CATS and what struck me in the cast's performance wasn't just their perfect acting skills nor their singing techniques (they were fantastic in both, just by the way thing). instead, it was their joy of acting and singing just so that they could tell a story to us, the unknowing crowd of baboons. it was their enthusiasm that struck me as a performer and as an entertainer. the cast performs nearly every night at different locations all over the world over a long span of months the same piece over and over and over and over again.

now tell me, if their joy came from the last number, how tired would they feel after doing it over and over again numerous times? if they derived their joy from a standing ovation, and did not get it do they feel they've failed? if their joy comes from applause but the crowd is just unresponsive do they wallow in self-pity and conden themselves? i never actually talked to any of them personally, but this is my take on the matter. they considered the simplest act of performing through song, dance and drama as pure joy; to be able to sing out their heartfelt emotions, that was their joy.

now looking back on my choir days, they weren't wasted. nope, not a single bit because through the practices, we forged close friendships. but nevertheless, what joy did i derive from it? if i had not enjoyed myself and found joy in the simplest act of performing through choral singing, then maybe i'd have to rethink driving force behind this 'passion'

i know tomorrow is the SYF for JC Choirs, yet another competition. through this blog entry i'm not promoting a slack culture and attitude to strong choral singing techniques, i'm merely making my point known that sometimes we have to think more with our heart, rather than with our desire to kill.

the performing arts is a genre unlike the sports, where we don't go all out to kill; instead we touch lives through our repertoire, body movements and acting. everything we do comes from our emotions, our inner being, our state of mind, everything internal. we ought to think with our heart and not be driven by our thirst of winning a competition.

so the question still remains,
have You touched a life yet?

CATS

ah, CATS.

i've never really loved cats,
nor have i ever liked them.
especially the small ones with 'furry tails'
and 'cute lil' paws'; nope,
i've never liked them.

they prance around the land
scratching and creeping,
lurking around in dark corners
not to mention their eyes; nope,
i've never liked them.

at least i'm more forgiving to
their bigger counterparts
lions, cheetahs, leopards, pumas
beautiful coat of skin, but still
none compares to the wild dogs; comparatively,
i've never liked them.

but take these feline creatures
from the house and turn them to
dancing, singing twirling creatures
gyrating to the beat of jazz and the big band;
speaking in human language, not random meows;
perhaps, just perhaps
i might have started a new love for cats.

CATS, the musical that is.

it was the best i've ever seen,
and possibly the most entertaining and exciting one ever.

LIKE FINALLY, SPEEDLIGHT'S FIRST EVER NIGHT CYCLING EVENT IS OVER. albeit this entry comes fourteen hours after the end of the event, i still have to pay tribute to many people.

to deirdre - YOU'VE BEEN AWESOME WOMAN. thanks for pushing me on to get the stuff ready for this event. if you were just as nua as me, i bet this event would have been a complete disaster. so thanks for all that. YES YES, FOR ALL THE BREAD-EATING MOMENTS TOO.

to vinnie, douggie - thanks for being so supportive of deirdre and myself in the planning of the event. your suggestions and constructive comments did challenge us but nevertheless helped us to always be ahead of any possible problems that may arise. IT'S BEEN AWESOME WORKING WITH YOU FELLAS IN OFFICE!

to justin, shimin - thanks for patiently waiting for us at the designated carparks and places where even the mata came to visit us. i apologise for the times i had you guys change places when the plans changed, and i'd hope you understand. thanks for everything!

to elizabeth, our friendly sparklight co-OJL - thanks for all the laughter in the office and even for joining us in supporting our event. YOU WERE AWESOME IN MAKING US LAUGH AT THE DARNDEST THINGS EVER, EVEN IF IT WAS ABOUT YOUR ESPIRIT UMBRELLA.

to thiha pine - thanks for being a great co-organiser with dee and i for this event. thanks for joining us for the recce that nice lovely afternoon! YOU WERE GREAT IN RALLYING THE PEOPLE TOGETHER WHEN THE OTHER THREE OF US WERE TIRED FROM ORGANISING AND PLANNING. AWESOME STUFF MAN.

to chin xiang - thanks for staying back with me all the time when i was the last man. your presence there ensured my sanity and kept me well and alive even at the lowest of my energy levels. your spirit of enthusiasm for this event, patience towards others and selfless spirit is a blessing to others around you, and i've got lots to learn from you. keep shining for the Lord dude.

to the mentors and leaders - you guys did a fantastic job in accounting strength and making sure that everybody in your group was well and alive (thank goodness). your spirit of enthusiasm and energy was superb and i'd like to commend you on that. :)

finally, to EVERYBODY WHO JOINED US (LEW - Elizabeth, Chin Xiang, Andrew, Gene, Amanda, Jacky, Sarah Joseph, Ben, Marcus, Gladys, Natalie; LET - Grace, Shu Hua, Gordon, Kenny, Gregory, Alvin, Charmain, Joel, Leon Chng, Joseph, my sister Sheryl, Leon Tan, Arielle, Lousia, Patrina, Jian Yang, ah Boon, Salome and Lynn) - THANKS FOR COMING AND SUPPORTING US IN THIS EVENT. IT WAS ENCOURAGING FOR ME TO SEE EACH ONE OF YOU ENCOURAGING ONE ANOTHER, SPURRING ONE ANOTHER ON DURING THE COURSE AND I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A FANTASTIC TIME MINGLING AND FELLOWSHIPPING WITH ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THIS EVENT. LET THIS NIGHT BE ETCHED IN YOUR MEMORIES. LET'S CONTINUE TO SERVE ONE ANOTHER IN PATIENCE AND LOVE AS SPEEDLIGHT, A BODY OF CHRIST, STRIVES FOR MORE GLORY AND EXCELLENCE FOR OUR LORD!

i know i haven't been updating the blog as much as i want to so here's a quick update of what's been going on with me and whatever's been running through my grey matter.

i have been working, with a night cycling event this thursday evening through to friday morning. and that would be accounted as work to me. how awesome is that - how can i not say i love my job. oh well, nonetheless preparations for it has been pretty draining on some days and honestly i havent been sleeping much. so much so that when i woke up at 0720 this morning, i was pretty surprised at how awake i was despite the little amount of rest i had the nights before. seems like the Lord is true to His promises, that His mercies are new every morning.

onto matters of the heart.

i've been learning many things of which i don't intend to share on this public portal. nonetheless, my prayer is that out of these lessons i may, and by faith will find a love that goes beyond human measure. suffice to say, i'm still learning. what got me all started? well, let's just say a small talk with the boys helped me search for the answers within.

lastly, here's to all my dearest kids who are preparing for their exams: IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT STUDYING. no, i don't mean that. ha, it's good that you take time off to go online and be connected to the world. your textbooks don't bring you very far into imaginations, only dreams and as we all know, dreams occur only when we sleep. nonetheless, my prayers are with and for you everyday that every single one of you would continue to excel in your studies, have an excellent health and superb time management both during preparations and at the exams proper. continue to walk closely with the Lord kids; talk to Him about your struggles and fears, He'll listen. as much as i want to be with you all, you know i can't divide myself into portions. but i do know that the Lord is with every single one of you, just as He is with me.

for that, i know you guys are in good hands
and i am encouraged.

love you all :)

i do wonder how many actually believe
that 'beauty is only skin deep'

and then i wonder how well that
would bode for me

today hasn't been a good day

financial woes,
kids' exams-trip clash,
ICT call-up,
and a small bit of You.

i want to sleep all these things off
and retreat to the back of my head
forget the world for that short few hours
of pitch darkness, and utter silence.
for then, the world will stop turning
everything ceases, but life still goes on.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
on that promise i shall stand.

why do people say that guys from boys schools are weird?

you know what,
i think they are;
i think we are;
i think i am.

but it's always heartening to know that every step along the way, in school and even when we're waaaay out of it, there's always a brother behind you - watching your back, always encouraging, always supportive. without saying, there's also much admonishment between us. it's strange that we can be so open with one another but yet live such seperate lives.

maybe that's the type of brotherhood we enjoy.
maybe that's why we're weird.

i commented at the dinner table that for 5 years since we knew one another as a class, we've been having such random dinners either after aep lessons, or after a long hard day working on our aep project, and even during our ns days, we still made time for one another. such dinners never seemed to be a rarity, it seemed so common. but despite the many meals together, there's always something for us to talk about; there's always something for us to gain, to give encouragement and to be encouraged.

and then i asked them, 10 years from now will we still have such common random meals together? reyneth coolly replied, "yea, with our kids all over the place." uhhuh, trust the only attached boy at the dinner table to say that.

but you know what?
as long as we have these dinners;
as long as we have each other,
i don't care much about the kids.

aih, nostalgia.

HOTBULBS' AWESOME NIGHT CYCLING

urgh, this is one of those rare moments i talk about a particular event per se in proper paragraphs, unlike past entries where barely half a sentence or a phrase took up one line. but to make it even more special than the past entries, i'm writing this entry Right After the event took place. so you can imagine a smell, dirty lil' boy - with washed hands on his keyboard, most certainly - typing this supposedly short/ long essay (of which he still cannot decide)

the whole event was so eventful, no pun intended, but it was sure packed with good memories. we recorded so many 'firsts' for our cell through this event. this event is in itself our FIRST EVENT for 2009. it is also the FIRST TIME we start an outing at midnight. it is also the FIRST TIME we have supper at supper time. it is also the FIRST TIME we did night cycling as an activity together. it is also the FIRST TIME we attempted such a feat. not to mention, it is the FIRST TIME (surprisingly) beatrice could join us for a physically-demanding activity.

everything was just awesome. it wasn't perfect - definitely not, but it worked out really well. a route was planned, but it was easily modified to suit our physical and emotional needs, especially towards daybreak.

nevertheless, it was really because of the Lord's blessings that led to such a successful event. and as such, His blessings we should and will never forget.

there were NO INJURIES! ('cept for a punc-zheh tyre)
there was NO RAIN! (despite seeing thunder since 8pm)
we had GREAT FELLOWSHIP
we had GREAT BONDING TIME
we had a SMASHING TIME.

for all these things and MORE, to God be the Glory.

to my dear hotbulbs: i do hope you guys really enjoyed yourself thoroughly throughout the event. aiyoh, butt pain sure kenna one; sore calf and thigh muscles also sure have one. come home smelly smelly, OF COURSE LA! but i think let's look beyond all this stuff, and really treasure the small moments of solitude we had with God, with ourselves and with each other. it's really awesome to see you guys talking and mingling even without the leaders (HMPH! RACHEL AND I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR CONVO LA! HAHHAHA. DO I MAKE US SOUND DESPERATE?)

- but yea, can i safely say you guys had a smashing time just as i had?
- please sound out to rachel/ i if there were any problems that needed fixing or even improvements! that's how we all learn from each other ya?

awesome time spent overnight.
simply awesome.

i was thinking,

does free will destroy mutuality?

ok, fine.

does free will affect mutuality?

it's been two years since i received my a level results
it's been two years since i felt utterly defeated
it's been two years since i fell to my knees
it's been two years since i last cried

but it's also been two years of growing,
albeit with much pain.

two years on, and here i am:
two years on, not knowing how my past affected today
two years on, i've bounced back from defeat
two years on, i've grown stronger; matured

and i remember still, everything i went through
.
i've tasted the goodness of the Lord
i've seen the faithfulness of the Lord
i've felt the comforting hand of the Lord

ultimately who i am today...
i thank God.

from The Straits Times, Life section
Thursday, February 26 2009, Page C3
"When choir boys 'lose' their voice"

this was what a St Thomas Boys Choir boy had to say of his experience in choir - "He said: 'Being in the choir demands so much work, but you do get something out of it. It's a special feeling when you sing Bach and feel the history and tradition behind the choir." (italics mine)

somehow, i felt i could relate to that statement
& i wonder how many choristers out there can too
the joys of singing are truly inexplicable.

finally, for once a non-emo entry; or at least i think it not to be. so, i was performing at a choir concert today with chorale, alongside the college choir and the more i looked at these mainly eighteen year-old adolescents running everywhere, not to mention a hell lot of noise, i really couldn't help but remember my frivolous youth.

ah, yes. the days we used to sing on the bus whilst on the way to the community centre for extra practices. the countless dinners our batch would always go for after every practice; after every thrice-weekly practice. it was nostalgic to be back in the same place where my batch probably staged her first public performance all on our own.

seeing the girls in their white gowns, with their hair tied up neatly with a matching white ribbon and the guys in their smart black suit with striking red tie, it was those wild days that i was remembered.

a junior was concerned with his batch, and my answer was this: every batch is different. but no matter the differences we may have within ourselves and with our seniors, as long as we work hard and work together, legacies can be left behind; footprints can be left behind. my batch did well, and i'm proud of our accomplishments. we overcame the odds to become who we are today, and look at where we are now. united. bonded. together. ultimately, friends.

so to the juniors i have this to say,
enjoy your years in vjc.
enjoy your years in vjchoir.
cause honestly, two years is not much
look back on the days you create today
and be satisfied.

i know i am.

The Equation

1 + 1 = 2

that's what they always say, don't they?

that's what we've been taught all along, haven't we?

all this while, all we've ever thought about was the '1' in the equation. what the numbers on the 'left side of the equal sign' are are all we ever think about, or at least that's what we've been learning all along - how it affects the equation; how it affects the 'right side of the equal sign'; how it affects the End.

but haven't we been selfish in forgetting about the '2'? have we thought whether it has even wanted to Be in the equation?

is it wrong for one to keep giving and giving and desire for an expected result? sure we do. we're the '1's aren't we?

after all i've gone through, i apologise for not thinking about how you felt. how it feels to be '2', how you probably felt you never wanted to be in the equation at all. how this equation finally ended nullified; how it ended void; how it ended up being a ZERO.

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements;

even if it leads nowhere.

it Would be a waste, even if i knew my place

should i leave it there?

i answer, yes. i should.

i guess that's probably the reason why i'm remaining passive about certain things. sure enough, i don't close myself to the world, but that doesn't give me any more of a reason to be seeking actively.

but i won't even ask you to stay. in spite of saying that, this i must say - there's something about you that keeps me going on, and i'm not even sorry about it.

i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

& i thought being strong meant never losing your self-control

but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

tonight i wanna cry.

maybe keith was right along.

they say people grow with time

inevitably, they change too

the times spent in classic togetherness

now seems distant, almost a memory

we can never go back to those times

or can we?

expectations are wings that help us to soar

but they can also be weights that pull us down

together we came into this world

but look at you! you've grown so tall

i've forgotten how you were

only the memories remain

and after all this while i ask myself

do i really know you?

then again,

do you really know me?

Dear Mother,

It's been 5 years since I left home. Please don't worry mother, I really am well. But 5 years is really an awfully long time and all this while I've been missing you however cicumstances have prevented me from returning.

All this while I have been doing well in the things assigned to me. I have washed my dishes, cleaned up after myself; I've been independent and independance was something you taught me in my formative years. Do you remember? Maybe not; because it was second nature to you - it was a mother's instinct.

Do you remember the days you scolded us for our long fringes? Or maybe for our socks not being above the ankle? Ah yes, I still remember the times we had to stand in the sun just so one of us would own up to his mistakes. But amidst all the punishments, you instilled in us a strong character - one which is able to stand the tests of time. Of course with bad times, there were always your light-hearted moments. You allowed us to leave home early just so we could boast to others of how well our older brothers did in their examinations. (But honestly, none of us really did that. HA!) There were the times we would just stay at home and kick some things (they really didn't have to be balls you know... I know it's still quite a mystery) And then there were the times when we would just cheer with all our might for your glory and your honour and for the pride you instilled in us all these years.

Oh they were all such good memories!

And here I am, back home; back to where it all started 5 years ago. I said this when I left home that year but I have never understood its significance, let alone grasp the fullness and abundance of it. But now, here I am, two weeks being at home and I can now understand just a glimpse, a fraction of its significance. Nonetheless I would say it again:

We do not return to you Mother,
For we have never really left.

Nil Sine Labore,

Darren