it has been one hell of a day(ride) today.

it started off with a beautiful blessed and joyous win at the Amazing Art Find which was a Singapore Art Show event based upon the concept of the Amazing Race but based in and on the context of the local sculpture scene. we arrived third in position for the race itself but the resutls of the race was based on not just our time score but also the accuracy of our answers. and honestly we -darel, muzz and myself- thought we wouldn't win because the third prize was won by a group which didn't come in after us, aka fourth. so when the result for the second prize was read out that we won, duh we shouted. ha. what a shock win!

i came home from the race, bathed and within an hour was out again only to find myself in sam's house to celebrate wilbur's birthday. it was here where i was able to finally have the chance to sit down and have a good talk with mark - something we haven't done in a long while. it was fantastic to have been able to talk so freely, well relatively, despite the long break in our correspondance. but it got me thinking of certain things on my way back home.

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about a relationship?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about my career?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm simply baring my heart out, even to strangers?

i think the topic of masculinity has been a troubling issue for many boys, myself included? what makes one a man? definitely not the genitalia because essentially we are all equal in that aspect. so what else makes a man well, male? a muscular body size perhaps? or maybe assertive leadership skills? good complexion? or possibly the use of profanities? i think the list goes on. but suffice to say, i think boy youths are simply unsure of themselves. they lack confidence simply because there is no one person that they can emulate. in fact, there are many as the media portrays them to be. rich, famous, good looking, tall, dark, muscular, witty, these are just some of the attributes of these 'role models'. but honestly who can ever meet those criterion without any form of physical intervention (ie. plastic surgery or protein shakes)? credit to those who actually are blessed with all those traits, but in reality hardly any boy youth would be able to feel adequate. there is a feeling of inadequacy, a void that desperately needs to be filled, with something i do not know of. it is this inadequacy that causes boy youths, even men to find solace in each other to reaffirm their masculinity.

.

but then again, we ask the question: what if solace cannot be found, then what would happen to our boys and our men? it is still a technical question founded on emotions that i'm grappling with. that doesn't make me less of a man, or for that matter less of a male. in fact, i think it makes me more of a male - the ability to think for oneself and not be conformed to the social patterns of this world.

ah, sociology has effectively screwed my mind.