of social theory, interviews and God

I want to put this up just so I remind myself of how good God has been to me over the past week.

To begin with, I was faced with a colossal task of churning out two essay-assingments due on consecutive days; to be precise, the datelines were barely nine hours apart from each other. The datelines were not much of an issue when compared to the 2500-word essay, 1500-word essay, a full interview transcript and an interview schedule (list of questions) that desperately my attention - the last three form the final report for a research practicum module and the formermost was for a social theory class. While the latter required much intellectual capacity from me, the former sought hard for my mental, emotional and psychological attention. I knew it was going to be a long weekend ahead, and I was mentally prepared for that; or so I thought I was.

A few things screwed up last week as well. One of which was a 3-hour interview that my phone failed to record any detail at all. That was a huge, huge bummer for me. Then there was the NUS exchange application that I had to do by Friday (dateline). All these pulled my attention in all directions, severing any form of rootedness in any singular project. I only read, and read more and more articles in preparation for my social theory paper - I mean it is a theory paper after all, so just suck it up and read them. I re-did my interview with another respondent, a close friend of mine, on Wednesday. That interview went better than I expected and as with my two prior interviews, I was more glad that through the interviews I got to know them better as a friend and as a brother in Christ. The Wednesday interview lasted three hours, but because the content was good and the flow was decently acceptable I was satisfied. But I didn't start transcribing - something which on hindsight was my oversight and miscalculation - immediately that day, or the day after. Instead I started on Friday after having completed all of the exchange application procedures and processes. What pissed me off in particular that day was the fact that after having done most of the application in the library (both the online and photocopying of documents), I left for the bus-stop to wait for my bus that will bring me out of school. The bus came; I boarded; I tapped. Then I realised I had left my IC in the library - thus began the ardous walk back to the library to redeem it. It was a tough day that day. Transcription began in the National Library where all in all, I spent 5 hours transcribing barely half an hour I reckon. I went home and continued working on it, finishing up to the 50-minute mark. Then I slept.

Having slept seven hours, I woke up to have breakfast before returning to begin on my theory paper. Breakfast was soon to be the only substantial meal I would have the entire day. I started reading further for the theory paper and only properly began at 3pm only to realise that I needed to key in my reference list. That alone took me an hour. So effectively I only started proper at 4pm and the writing process lasted 6 hours, ending at 10pm. My mum cooked me some instant noodles which barely filled my tummy, but I couldn't do much about it; work needed to be done. I carried on with my transcription before turning in at the 80-minute mark. I already started to feel my body starting to break down in the face of all of this hungry pursuit of esssay/assignment completion. It was bad.

Sunday began with morning service before cell group. For the first time in my years in the ministry, this is the First time I skipped a youth service for academics' sake. Instead I dropped my kids off at the tabernacle before heading to St Hilda's to begin my transcriptions. I managed to transcribe the last 40 minutes with those in between undertaken by friends. I then went back to church hoping - just hoping - that the rest will be going off for dinner. In the end, they were going to the airport for their dinner thus compelling me, under the surmounting pressure to finish the assignments, to have dinner on my own before heading back to carry on with the work. En route, I met Aldrin with whom I later had dinner with. I reflected later while going home that it was a quirky way that God was reminding me of the heart for the boys that He has given to me; quirky, I know.

I reached home at around 9pm, with the first dateline due at 2359h that night. I quickly edited my work before submitting it online; after which, I took a shower to refresh myself. Work on the 1500-report began at 10pm and that alone took me 2hours to complete. By 12 midnight, I was dead beat. I still had to type out the interview schedule which took me another two hours or so. I carried on with my further transcriptions at 3am and ended at 5. The compilation and editing process was insane. The final compiled report was 79 pages long and the interview transcript itself took up a good 50-odd pages. It wasn't the most pleasant thing I've done. But by the time I was done, my dad was up and edging me to leave the house - he needed to get to work himself, but the deal was that he'll drop me off at school en route to work. I hardly had a chance to breathe before scurrying away to grab my towel to refresh myself and get changed. To cut the long story short, I slept on the ride to school; slept for an hour in hall before waking up to print and bind the report together at the library in the morning. I was finally done assignments-wise. I still had to endure a lecture on content analysis and another on globalisation before heading up to SAO to submit my documents for the NUS exchange; only then, did my day end and I could finally catch a breather.

Why then, this post?

Because I reflected how thankful I am to God, my provider and sustainer, for seeing me through the weekend - particularly through Sunday night/morning. It dawned upon me that I was able to say "I don't really care anymore about the grades that I'll receive" only because I was numbed to the whole process; yet, strangely enough I wasn't ecstatic about the submission - I was just happy that it is over. Then I realised that I'd only say this kind of things - thus warranting this post to be etenally monumentalised in electronic media - when I'm tired; on the contrary, I know that just prior to the release of results of essays, I'd be praying prayers about "God to honour me" and "God to bless me with this and that". But really, all I want to do now is to remember that in spite of all my work, His blessings are already planned for me to take; but what really matters to me is my attitude towards the work that laid before me. As a student, this is my season to study, therefore I ought to worship God with the times that I study. I tend to forget that, thus resulting in my praying prayers that seem to assume that just because I put in a lot of effort, God should honour my work; or even a demand from me to God to give me the A's that I want. But truth is, it's not about me; it's never been about me. When I think about how some people can do just as well without seeming to spend as much time and energy as I did, I feel really unfair - to me, it's injustice. But when I start to look at my role as a student, which I'm now called to be, I ought to be mindful of my own attitudes and behaviour towards the 'colossal' tasks set before me. Through these attitudes, it is with great hope that others can see the glory of God and thus someday praise my Father in heaven.

Sure I do hope and pray for the A's; but I'm starting and also beginning to struggle with the call to obedience, a life of faith and a life recognising and living out a God-centred, Christ-as-Lord-not-I life.

To God be all glory forever and ever.

Exam Miracle

It's been some time since I last posted here but suffice to say, I'm in the midst of my examinations with one more left to go on Thursday (yay!!!). But four amazing things happened to me during and after the statistics exam I took today. They are facts/ lessons that cannot be any further emphasised but only that God is not only sovereign, but also He is good beyond all human measure.

Firstly, I came into the examination hall without an eraser knowing full well that there will be an MCQ section where I was required to shade my answer in the OAS (optical answer sheet, amazing how I can still remember this kinda crap). So I kinda panicked for a while, and was even contemplating asking my 'neighbours' around me to break their eraser for me. Little did I know that just at the top right hand corner of my desk, there laid an eraser. It was small, but usable; but it was more than enough for me. AWESOME ONE.

Secondly, I had to do a rather basic question on frequency distribution tables and the calculation of mean, median and mode but couldn't remember the exact format of the table. There were also times where I couldn't calculate the standard deviation and thus the variance cause I was confused over which was the sample size. Technicalities aside, suffice to say I completed the question at the first attempt but was full of doubts inside even upon completion of the paper. After finishing the paper, I remember leaning back against the back of my chair and took a deep breath. Then I prayed; I told God that I was going to check through my paper again and thus asked Him to direct my attention to the places where there were mistakes. After prayer, I went straight to the question on frequency distribution. After much contemplation, I changed my choice of sample size and arrived at a completely different answer. After the end of the paper, I checked the answer with my friends and thank God, my changed answer was the right one. AWESOME TWO.

Thirdly, there was another question which I was rather confident when doing. I was pretty sure of the answers as well. But in the dying few minutes of the paper, I had the urge to calculate the values in the table again. It was a 6 X 4 table so I did take a considerable amount of time for calculation. Just when I thought I was done, I found a calculation mistake in the last cell of the table. Thinking I must have punched in the wrong numbers into the calculator, I calculated and re-calculated the values again. I was wrong. So I looked at the clock and realised I had five minutes left before the end of the paper, thus the decision to change the answers. AWESOME THREE.

Fourthly, (actually this 'reflection' took place after the paper) I saw God's sovereign hand at work through this paper. You see, my lecture group is huge so there was a need to split the group into two -- one taken by a Chinese prof and another taken by an Indian prof. I wanted the Friday's slot cause it would fit perfectly well into my timetable. But because I was in Turkey during the course registration period, I was unable to get the Friday's lecture slot. Instead I got the Thursday's one, with the Indian prof as my lecturer. I wouldn't go as far as to say that he sucks big time cause honestly I did learn something. But he really wasn't the most entertaining, or the best lecturer one could have. But having said all this, the exam comprised of an MCQ section (30 questions) that took up 45%. What amazed me was the number of questions that I have seen before in my tutorials and lecture notes. During the course of the exam, I was telling myself how simple this MCQ was and was wondering how the bell curve was going to work out since everyone will get pretty high marks for this sections. Little did I know, the other lecture group taken by the Chinese prof did not know how to do most of the questions because they have never seen such questions before. God is ultimately sovereign over all things. AWESOME FOUR.

I'm writing this the day after my stats paper because upon reaching home, I crashed on the bed. Why the fatigue? Cause I couldn't sleep well the night before the exam, tossing and turning in my bed. Suffice to say, I woke up early with enough time to read two psalms and a sermon by Spurgeon on Jesus's prayer for the elect. What a joy to begin the day with Christ and have it end with Him too! He is sovereign and AWESOMELY AWESOME.

For of Him and through Him and to Him be glory forever. Amen!

in a span of one week or so, here's what i have to conquer:

1) 2 Presentations (One group, One Pair)

2) 2 Essays (1 Lit-poetry essay, 1 SOC-SGP essay)

in that same span of one week, here's what i have in store:

1) Cousin's Wedding

2) JCRC Retreat, which for some reason lasts 3 days

3) Tuition, which would probably take 3 days as well

4) CATCH-UP ON READINGS

one recess week in varsity is equivalent to 20 mins of recess in primary school, where 5 mins is spent on buying the food and 15 mins playing ice-and-water in the carpark.

I CANNOT spend my recess week like that.

it needs to be productive,

it got to be productive,

it better be productive.

I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!

in the mental chaos
in the beginnings of realities
in the face of weakness
in times such as these
all i want is to be in Your Presence
all i want is to be with You
all i want is to be found where you are
and then, my heart will find its rest.

dilemma.

before entering college, i've constantly told myself that i want to do the things that i've never had the guts to do; hence the literature module i'm taking this semester. academics aside, i'm finding it tough to practise what i've been drowning myself in before varsity life even began.

i've always been an avid lover of the performing arts and therefore when given the opportunity to help out as an Event Manager of the arts festival held on campus, i readily signed myself up for it - that's doing something i like to do; not so much as i didn't have the guts to do it before, but rather it's something new and one that i'm passionate about. reason for joining: justified.

and then came the crunch, to run for publications secretary in the hall committee or not. doing publications brings me great great great joy and despite all the hard work and sweat and squinted eyes, there is still joy when you hold that work in your hands for the first time. tough line of work as compared to the other office-holders' responsibilities; relatively, it's a shit job to some. but hey, i like doing it. it's something i love doing. something i'm passionate about. something i believe i have the skills that i can use to contribute to the hall. something i'm always willing to learn from.

if i were to say i never had the guts to do this, i'd be lying... well partially. i was an editor in secondary school once so the job scope honestly doesn't daunt me. in fact it thrills me. and then if i were to say i never had the guts to run and hold rallies and do all that kind of stuff, i'd be lying... again, partially. technically i ran for office in the exco during my days in vjchoir. so all that interviews, and first round shortlist and second round questions and answers, i've been there done that. so question is, what's the big deal?

it becomes a big deal when everything is compounded. ah yes, the balance between work and play comes into question. i wonder if taking on these roles will greatly cause a tilt in the balance and cause a catastrophe in either of the sides.

i want to believe that my Lord will guide me cause i know He is faithful still. but how i wish that i was in the times of Moses where the Lord will lead the Isrealites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. ah, what i need is obvious answers.

no, what i need is the Lord.

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me."

- Proverbs 8:17

it's a strange thing to be in the east aka civilisation a few hours ago and now here i am, overseas in my room at the computer. my readings scream for me to read them, but noooo, i'm here at the keyboard merrily typing away. those few sentences exude sarcasm don't they, and those were the exact thoughts i had on the bus from the station into campus. but now that i'm actually physically In campus and having helped my friend with his angel-mortal nonsensical stuff, which by the way was pretty cool despite making my own efforts seem measly, school's kind of.. fun.

strangely enough as far as i can remember, i felt like crap when i left school on friday evening simply because i had to leave school. but now coming back into school seemed like a pain, a drag nearly. and now that i'm actually in school, it seems somewhat normal. no, i'm actually ready to take on a new week of academic life.

i can't believe i just said that. a week of academic life.

Academic life.

it's a beautiful thing to be in university. strangely enough a few weeks back i was doubtful possibly to the point of being terrified about rejoining the education system. but now it seems as if all's well and things are looking pretty smooth now.

although i must say that varsity life has only just begun. the lectures and tutorials have officially begun but the extra-curricular activities have not. ah, the catch there isn't it. i won't be surprised that in the weeks and months to come when the due dates for the various presentations draws nearer and the random extra activities start to mount up, stress levels rise and tensions, well perhaps they may rise, entries such as this is just going to be less cheerful.

but in the meantime, the Lord has been beautifully faithful as He's always been. i meditated on Psalms 23 on tuesday morning and found such a beauty in the text. sheesh, i'm making it sound like literature; which by the way, i managed to secure a place in a tutorial class where none of the students are english majors - praise God for that provision!

but the Lord IS faithful and always will be.

go read Psalms 23.

there is such beauty there

one that you cannot see

and then you will know that God really cares.

(musings) first week of school

this is/was the third day of school
it is also the third day i'm expected to use my brains
unfortunately, i think i've been using more of my legs
campus is huge especially when you walk from place to place
you start feeling the strain in the calves and thighs
you start perspiring from head to toe
and before you know it,
you're completely exhausted even before lecture begins

and this week is just the first week of school
no tutorials, no random hall work, only random dinners
the stomach's getting full, rather it's getting empty
the helter-skelter of the day makes it grumble
but yet the small snack before lectures tells me not to
only to suffer the consequences after the lectures
on the brighter side, there's always those random suppers
that are bound to make any skinny kid fat as a bee
small, fat, agile yet lethal
ah yes, that's what we ought to aspire to be shouldn't we?