i question

i wonder

i'm not pressured.

you considered

you are going

it was finally cancelled.

i asked

you answered

maybe... i shouldn't even think about it.

there is just this unspeakable joy in me now.

seeing everybody at home was just too much for me to take it all in in one shot, so much so that i was pretty much overwhelmed in church. the kids were scrambling, rachel was screaming hysterically (fine, i'm exagerrating), and everybody was just wishing one another merry christmas. speaking of which, i was asking myself what Christmas meant to me this year, considering all that i've gone through for this one year in the army. frankly, i never really gave it much thought even right now as i type, it's just on the spot thoughts. reason why i wanted to come back this Christmas was because i wanted to share the Christmas spirit with the people i love most at home. it would be a crying shame if i spent it overseas, in a mandarin speaking church with me not knowing a quarter of the people in there. but Christmas is after all, all about Christ the Risen Lord. things are not the same when you view this holiday season as something else, i guess it's become innate already. so i shall use this Christmas season as a form of Thanksgiving for those who have desperately missed me (LOL) and those i have sadly left behind. for that, i thank you all.

have you ever seen the naive smiles on the faces of innocent, pure angelic children. it is a smile that carries with it no worries, nor hardships nor pain. what happens there and then is exactly shown and displayed on their faces; nothing is fake, only the genuine appears. a smile as heartfelt as this would simple make hearts melt, and guess what, there are a lot of kids here who have successfully done so. i love kids. they make me think of my past, and my future. and their smiles are miraculously able to spread the joy around. it seems to be more of some centripetal foce or radial energy that spreads it's wings outwards, into the lives of others. and in that way, smiles begin to appear on the faces of even the older ones. after all, there is a child in every one of us, isn't there?

it's amazing what cynical people can actually do to your fragile sanity. trust me, in no time just a slight twitch of the facial muscles is enough for complete insanity. and i mean a total transformation of a normal world into a world filled with hair-tearing and shrill-screaming people. i'm just at a loss of words really, how people can actually be and remain cynical even in the presence of the most optimistic people around. it's like chucky meeting a happy teletubby, minus the cute factor. i must say it's getting increasingly difficult to be that happy little, not forgetting chubby, teletubby and wandering in the misty midst of dense chucky. i'd rather be frolicking with my bunnies over the green hills and Far away. i mean, you definitely don't want to see a hairless screaming chubbs scooting around the hills now do you? so for crying out loud, spare me the audio agony.

我不知道我一直重播那首歌的原因，
但心里却是蹦蹦，蹦蹦的跳着。
虽然我们之间的关系已来到了终点，
我还是无力抗拒黑夜所带的沉默，的孤独；
默默知道再也无法回转时间到我们年轻的时候。
。

想你到无法呼吸的我
实在是被思念给吞没到寂寞中。

i need to put this down in words no matter how lame this sounds but damn it's good news. i passed my driving test yesterday. (everybody says yay!) the entire experience was rather exhilirating right from the beginning. seriously, if you had to wake up at six in the morning just to be at the driving centre by seven in the morning, i bet your head would still be rather groggy from the beautiful Disrupted dream you left from. aaron and i were and it was not a very good thing. upon reaching the centre, i stepped on a cat (not to mention it screamed and Thank God it didn't attack me) and the two of us were whisked off to the main centre only at around seven.thirty. we went in to do the theory not knowing we were the only two of four students, the other two being burmese, taking the theory test on the computer. the computerised test was supposed to be meant more for listening but heck it, we just read off the screen and did the test. so we four students started first and barely into the paper test that the taiwanese were taking, aaron and i stood up and left. we finished the test in ten minutes and guess what? we passed. i scored eighty.seven.point5 when the passing mark was eighty-five. Thank God i passed it on first attempt. aaron passed too so when we walked out, we had heads turning towards our direction and upon hearing of our results our instructor, who so by the way was uber uber worried for us because we hardly done the mock tests ever, was visibly shocked, most naturally. i mean we were too. we studied like crap the day before only, and for such a result- i mean we passed. typical singaporean, pass can already la. i remember that. so we went back to the centre and then we waited. did a few practice rounds and then we went out for a beek steak lunch. arriving back at the centre at around one, we waited for the think-they're-so-mighty examiners to arrive and soon enough we found ourselves in the driver's seat. so we went through the all so familiar circuit- reverse parking, S course both forward and backward, parallel parking, railroad crossing, stopping on a slope, accelerating and then it was all over. i made no mistakes, at least not that i know of and THANK GOD I PASSED! aaron made a booboo on the first station and was somewhat in a state of shock when he found out he passed. well he did too anyway. uhhuh, so that concludes our exciting driving test day. right now, i'm a proud holder of a taiwanese driving license and very soon a proud holder of the singapore equivalent.

"About half of adolescent boys surveyed said they had sex within one month of knowing their romantic partners, compared with about 23 percent for the girls. "

.

with compliments of channelnewsasia.com i managed to read this article with much interest. frankly, this report came as no surprise to me considering myself to be exposed to all these small facets of life as seen by my college friends. i've heard of stories, personal accounts, and know friends who have gone through this. sex is no longer a taboo subject. in fact i think it's precisely because of our asian attitude of making this sex topic seem as a taboo subject that is creating an interest and desire to dwelve deep into it. teenagers want more than just a 'when you grow up you will find out for yourself' or a 'just don't do it because it's wrong' answer. at this point it's apt for me to inject this fact that even in the western world where sex seems to be less of a taboo subject, pre-marital sex is still rampant as is with abortions before marriage. short gun marriages are not uncommon there and with a lack of knowledge and exposure of the following consequences, such statistics may soon find its way into our national records soon. what interests me more is that considering the above statement to be a true representation of the entire nation, does that mean only half of our males are copulating with a quarter of our females? so after doing a little math here and there that makes a ratio of two males for every female to effectively give one child. in economic terms, that means low productivity. it's no wonder our birth rate is so low. tsktsk.

it only just recently dawned upon me that today is a friday and it's december already. winter is literally here in taiwan but my heart is still warm from the smiles taken with me at the airport. it's been a seemingly long while here, 5 months and counting, but looking back now it doesn't seem that long really. a flutter of an eye, that was what it seemed to be. i've got another 9 more months to go, that is if i do extend which is highly likely, and estimate myself to be backfor good only in mid-september or beginning of october. in the process of planning ahead, i'm currently looking forward to my mid-term home leave in december; to see all you wonderful people back home. still, i'm still trying to believe that today's a friday on a wintery cool december night.

they know that santa's on his way.

he's loaded of toys and goodies on his sleigh

and every mother's child is gonna spy

to see if reindeers really know how to fly.

there's really a sense of nostalgia emerging from within whenever i hear carols being played on air and through youtube. the five consecutive days of carolling were once such a pain in the ass; tiring schedules, odd timings, sometimes horrid food, but nevertheless all the while fun. Majestic songs such as "O, Come All Ye Faithful" and "O Holy Night" never fail to bring back the tingles and satisfaction felt after singing those high notes and finally ending the song with a beautiful slow decresencdo. i then heard celine dion's version of "The Christmas Song" and nearly teared. it was a song that our batch sang in our post-christmas concert- the first concert we did on our own. with meaningful words matched aptly in flowing tandem with the fluid-like music, it will be yet another symphony of voices, of both young and old (yes chorale, don't deny it. we are All old) in the Grand Hall of Raffles Hotel on Christmas Day. so even as i type this here in taiwan, i look forward to the day of carolling with my best companions beside me, because after all, that's what makes Christmas each year special- spending time with you.

... although it's been said, many times many ways,
Merry Christmas to You.

i've been doing a lot of thinking these few days about things back home; reminiscing of old times, hopeful of the future and many times in deep thought. there are of course some things that cannot be publicly disclosed here due to the complications that may arise if intepreted/ passed on wrongly, knowing that for every sentence that people make on their blogs there will be some tabloids going around spreading false rumours. i'm someone who thinks a lot but the things that i think of hardly ever come true- a worrier? i reckon i am. still, there's a lot more of things ahead of myself to hope for and fight for. thank goodness, this particular issue only stays for the last few minutes before i fly to dreamland. and for every thing that i think of, there has to be something to jumpstart my thinking cap right? believe it or not cnn jumpstarted mine just a few hours ago. there was a report "Czar Putin" and an advertisement on Libya's female fighters. and because this blog is not some global political blog, i shall not go into the horrid details of the report. but it definitely got me thinking; thinking about the sort of things that i want to study in two years time. gender issues, politics, racial issues, the list goes on. still, That particular issue continues to hang around somewhere. maybe i'm not over it; but i'm rather certain i am, though others say i'm not.

like a communist assasin

at the back of the alley, i fled.

there was no screaming, no agony, no pain

it was a silent affair.

at governement house,

after being granted political asylum, i left.

still, i held on to my roots.

i knew, and continue to know.

the ball's still in your court

yet there's another sharing the same space.

maybe mine has been thrown out;

discarded into the box of friends.

nevertheless, i wish you love.

i love surfing the internet till the wee small hours of the morning just to lose consciousness of where you are. just being in the middle of cyberworld with gazillions of bytes wheezing past your now turning blurry eyes, it makes you forget everything. yes, everything is the keyword. i'm just immersed in the presence of others and losing my presence here. that's good isn't it? no doubt this stint here has been and i do suppose it will be a watershed in my life, nothing beats home really. to communicate with home and friends abound, that's life. this comes especially at a time when politics seem to be causing my life to atrophy. i just want to lay unconscious on the floor now, asleep. a mild headache and some dreary eyes are keeping awake. oh, the irony. i just love literature. thank God for literature. i'm just rambling away.

people who take and/ or love literature are seriously different from those who don't. reveal a slight nuance to the person who loves and/ or takes literature and you can expect a shocking but possibly entirely true perception and even a prediction of the situation. i realise people like these can read into a lot of things- personal and public alike, and intepret them as something else. fascinating don't you think? the joy of reading into things and making it your own- it's little wonder that literature is the written form of art. for that matter, reading into these slight nuances make literature the written form of pop art, to be more precise really. and it's always fascinating to be in the company of such people, but as i have also realised too much of these people will only turn you into a walking tabloid. because things discussed and shared aren't confirmed by anyone, it slowly starts off as a random comment and slowly makes it way up the top as a potential hot-grabbed article of The New Paper. share that same comment with someone who doesn't take or enjor literature and you get a simple toned down version found exclusively in The Straits Times. there are things that people don't see with the naked eye but intepreted differently with the noticing of the smallest actions, words spoken and tone used. oh, the power of literature.

i'm blasting k-rock into my ears again. all in a desperate bid to attempt to get myself out of the whirlwind of politics that i've been forced into. in times like these where music is formed from the clanging of metal strings and hard bass, politics seem to be driven out rather easily. forget the sense talked, because in politics there is simply no sense. people do the most darndest things- and you thought only kids do it, for their personal gains. this reminds me a lot of those cantonese shows of ancient times where somehow in the show there will be cases of betrayal against the ruler and pure selfishness. maybe a scene is played here in the perfect background of chaos stirred by That selfish idiot. nevertheless in the middle of all that stirred chaos, there is still a warm violin strings tone amongst the heavy bass and metal strings. there are still some trustworthy confidants around; there is still peace confided in.

sometimes i feel how ns makes us more mature is in the way it exposes our young innocent males to the working world outside, especially to the nerds out there whose world is just made up of plain formulae and books. politics fly everywhere in the office and suction pads are just personified simply. decisions are made with dumb nobility and inconsistence, won't you just remind me of what we learnt in social studies- about good governance and ultimately good leadership. oh, sorry there i just brought in the academics and they are just not relevant to the working world. you make the decision as to whether the things we study are relevant to modern society today. pure science and mathematics and humanities are not spoken of unless it is used for alluring purposes. it seems to me then that it's the subtle things that we learn and gain out of school that brings us far, not the book knowledge. still, the word personified was learnt during literature in secondary school and boy, am i already in the middle of the real drama unfolding before my very eyes. politics are played, need we even learn about the science of it? maybe i should just further elaborate on my opening statement then. that ns makes us more mature because it actually fuses both the academic and cold hard truth of life.

like finally it's one more year to ord date! and that means i've just spent a whole ten months in the army already and what a period! lots have happened and life's directions have somewhat been changed in this short span of time as compared to the dozen spent in school mugging our asses off. sorry but no offence students. looking back at the past ten months spent is something worth remembering, the lessons learnt, the dumb mistakes and not forgetting the most retarded things you do with your similarly retarded friends. it's no wonder then, why people say national service changes lives. of course there are the identically memorable times of despair and hopelessness when things planned for didn't seem to go the way it should be and then came the leaning on the Lord's plan during those times. things have definitely changed for the better. marie once told me about the guys in her school telling her about why guys in university actually seem more matured than those in college. reason is simply national service- there's just so much nothing to do that there is absolutely an infinite time for one to spend thinking about well, life in it's purest essence. and that's supposed to make you mature. bull. i reckon it's the whole process that makes us mature and not our rank or vocation that does the job. in fact you know what? i don't reckon, i truly believe it is so. final year lap, THANK GOD, bring it on!

you know the saying "all you need is a good night's rest"? if i would just add another word into it to make it "all you need is a good LONG night's rest" and boy, would you feel the difference. i realised after some days, possibly weeks of near sleep-deprived nights, emotions started to make waves in my constantly swirling head. hello world, for those who are jusdt feeling moody or down, take this advice: go sleep now. even if it's seven in the evening and you need to get up only at twelve the next morning, go sleep. you never know the miraculous effects of sleep. it always comes down to this really, especially after i just saw my friends off at the airport for their return flight home, some even to the door of the plane. it burns somehow inside to know that this plane is eventually bound for singapore and you on the other hand are repelled by this invisible wall at the aerobridge, just unable to board the plane. it really is a sickening feeling deep inside and it normally lasts for that short few hours while on the ride back to camp. then again, that 'invisible wall' will just have to make way for yours truly as i will be heading home in december. so i shall just continue to keep that dream alive by... continue to dream somemore. yea, in my dreams.

it seemed like a long time ago since i last saw daniel but in actual fact i just sent him off last night at the airport. it was a great time of getting together and all that jazz, but what i or rather we realised openly was how this whole affair seemed too much of a coincidence. i admitted it was indeed way too much of a coincidence. i mean i really did since i was posted here. the Lord works in the most different ways, some that are unseen and others yet so apparent but above all, He's got a plan for all of us. the paths that we have chosen are the very paths that the Lord can use to bless us and make us more like Him. in Him we live and move and have our being, thank God i'm posted here in taiwan. for that matter, thank God for this overseas posting. there have been a lot of things that i've learnt through my stint here, went through some personal struggles en route to maturity, or so i sincerely do hope. i think i shall end here firstly cause i think this entry seems rather incoherent at some parts and secondly but most importantly regarding this issue, there are a lot of things going on inside of me which is not exactly, well if you would say, settled. so i suppose it's toodles here. goodnight, taipei.

i had a nice considerably long conversation with daniel yesterday, after being able to steal a bit of time off his busy schedule of mere cleaning of arms. it's a good thing, now that i realised, where we're all heading in our conversation. to be able to converse about mature things such as our future paths, education plans, love life, training matter yadayadayada but at the same time injecting the all so familiar crappiness adds a new dimension to our friendship. though frankly i miss those times back in college or in secondary school where conversations were just simply meaningless, i suppose this is a good thing that we're all growing up in the right and proper way, thank God. which brings me to imagine how life would be like for me when i get back, soon *hinthint*. i mean i remember those random ramblings that francis and i would have along the path back to his home and i stopping at the bus stop for those who were just about to think further than that; as well as those planned meals at nearby white sands. i was just wondering what in the world would we be talking about. maturity is not a bad thing, i've indeed learnt alot, but is it necessarily a good thing if we lose it. thankfully, none of us have lost it yet.

correct me if i'm wrong but recently i've been talking to my budds and i've realised how mellow our conversations were as compared to the hearty chatty chats that we would use to have in the most ungodly hours. marie, the new smu undergrad, mentioned to me before that the guys she knew in school told her that they 'sorta' became more mature after army; simply because they 'had too much time to think about life'. there are implications to this. at the personal level, maybe the suddenly-changed mellow conversations are a result of this "maturity"; maybe as we all "mature" we lose our laughs and just that bit of our personality gets lost in the fray as well. or maybe it has made us hide a certain portion of ourselves from the public eye. i miss those days where we used to have 'hahahaha-s' all the way throughout the conversation or even the random LOL that we used to throw in once in a while. not forgetting the very subjects of school, life, love or work in our daily conversations. does the army really make us mature in this aspect then; make us grow up; or make us any better humans in this society? right now, i'm left wondering whether those who read this, agree with the statement at hand. then again, would this even be considered as "mature"?

i realised how deep i always seem to submerge myself in my mellow train of thoughts as the people around me start to talk about their relationships and what-nots. it seems depressing to be in that frame of mind and no matter how hard i try to conceal it behind an emotionless mask, it always appears apparent to the very source themselves. sometimes being in such a wild world of odd fantasies isn't that bad after all. or so i thought; i've always believed in thinking straight roads out of a whole mess of them, and i suppose it does help- make it worse that is. it's odd isn't it that for a lad like me who has never had a problem with speaking excessively since his primary school days to be silenced at the dreaded topic of relationships. it's not a ploy to garner sympathy from those who are just so willing to share it, simply because first i don't need such sympathy, and secondly i think this whole idea of a ploy is just revolting, period. it's times like these when i start to ask my inner self why do i even allow myself to sink so low just because of some failed attempt. i don't get angry at myself or the other party and neither do i get sorrowful at the thought, i just simply soak myself in the depressing atmosphere. nobody's at fault, not even you.