I wish you were still here.

Today as we usher in the Lunar Year of the Dragon, we also celebrate the presence of our loved ones and friends. We organise reunion meals of all forms --- BBQ, grill, steamboat, pot luck --- and then catch up on each others' lives be it through a decent conversation or mere small talk. Nevertheless it is exactly because we see some value in these social gatherings, that's why we participate in them. In other words, we celebrate each others' presence and lives because we see value in the relationships shared.

But strangely today I was reminded not just of those present around me; I was reminded of those who have gone before us and who have, well gone home. I remember how the New Year celebrations were like with them around and the birthdays we use to celebrate for them. I remember the food they made and the persistent naggings at every of our lil' meetings. I remember the days I'd run down the stairs and the days the kids'd gather in the room and prepare an item for the adults (gosh, I really disliked those mini performances). I really, really missed them.

I wish my brother and sister were with me.

I wish my paternal grandmother was still around.

I wish my gong-gong was still around.

I wish to hold my ye-ye's hand and know him.

I wish my great-grandaunt was here.

There can be a thousand wishes posted here but I know, I know that none of them will ever come true. My only comfort is that they're in good hands (I pray so) and that the Lord is indeed what the Word says He is: sovereign. So in this Lunar New Year, the second 12-year cycle till the Year of the Dragon returns again, I suppose this entry is pretty sobering and humbling to write: That my life is not my own; indeed "To live is Christ and to die is gain // No matter what price I pay, I choose this give this life away"

"I live for something greater than I"

You know how, for some, the above statement is a mere goal-attaining, motivating statement? Those who fall in this category are those who desire to work hard for things that are, well, greater than themselves. These people include the humanitarian workers, the peace fighters, those who pull children from slavery and the sex trade, even those who build houses and/or distribute food to the needy Africans. In the end those who once had this desire, now find themselves behind a desk doing the usual 9-to-5 routine. That desire that once was, is now dissipated; it is gone.

Today in service I was reminded of this statement. But strangely, and also unlike some of the people that I just mentioned above, I had absolutely no clue as to what this desire was for. All I knew was that I did not squirm when I read passages about suffering for the name of Christ or being considered dishonourable for His sake. I rationalised later on that perhaps the gravity of these verses have yet to sink in, yet I was reminded quickly how God taught me the following lesson during my years in national service.

If God has brought me to it,

------ He'll bring me through it.

If God has brought me to it,

------ He'll take care of the things I leave behind.

So somehow despite all the gloom in those passages, the call to serve Him has not been a command; rather it has been a constant call, almost like a beckoning to do His will. For all I know, maybe the internal struggles I have within me are just the preparation for what He's about to call me into. Perhaps He will make good the vision He gave me when I was in my tender teenage years, perhaps. Maybe He's giving me a completely new appetite, or a new ministerial ground, or even a new heart; these things I inquire of the Lord and yet, I will say "Be patient O my soul, for the Lord your God has heard you and will answer you in His due time".

O there are a myraid of things that have been going through my mind! Not to mention the people and encounters I had during the past week! I tried to put them all down on a sheet of paper and yet I know there are a lot more things in my head than I previously imagined. As I wrote, I listened to the song "Refresh My Heart" by Hillsong (1992) over and over and over again. And all I wanted to do right there and then, was to stop all activity and just praise and bless the name of the Lord. Then it reminded me of how my life from now on, whatever the ministry God calls me into, is simply a relationship with the Lord --- I ain't got no cell leader, or divisional leader; it's just me and the Lord. The people I'm eventually called to minister to are the people I bring before God in prayer; in other words, they don't determine how/ what/ how long I serve --- such things are between me and God.

A few keywords come to mind as I write this out: Obedience, Faith, Patience and Submission. Where, O Lord, are you taking me to! Where, O Lord, do you want me to be? "I want to be where you are, dwelling in your presence, feasting at your table, surrounded by your glory; In your presence, that's where I always want to be... I just want to be with you" (Don Moen).

Tell me: What's the point of installing someone to a position of authority when the respect due to the person, or at least the position, is not respected?

For crying out loud, at least listen to them and hear them out (notice the difference).

The pun was, so, unintended.

my thoughts, for future use

So my kids Chloe and Nick are back from their China mission trip, and damn am I glad to have them back.

But something else stirred within me this whole day.

How could I, a sinner, be used by God as a leader, camp commandant, or a mentor and witness for myself the transforming power of Christ?

Today, I experienced all three: from the sin to the Camp AAR-cum-thanksgiving to the welcome party for Chloe and Nick.

I recall the vision I had when I was in sec 2: remember the white building in a field? Yea, that one.

I recall the unsettled-ness in me when I was scrolling through MOE's website for teacher recruitment, exam syllabi and NIE post-graduate diploma programme site. It just didn't sit well within me.

To be honest, when my kids recount their experience in China to me, I was truly happy for them --- that they have seen the work and reality of God. But I also know that they barely skimmed the surface of what the Bible terms as "tasting and seeing that the Lord is good"; they were there for barely a week. But yet just as I felt all that immense joy at their growth and spiritual maturity and encounters with God, I know deep within me I just haven't been given the heart for missions, yet. 

Perhaps one day I will be called to be a missionary, perhaps.

But if the abovementioned vision really did come from God, then I'm sure He's gonna prepare me adequately to face the challenges ahead.

I remember praying for myself that though darkness shrouds me and the path before me seems uncertain, even bleak, I know from the Word of God that His very Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Deal with my unbelief Lord!

Help me with my doubts Lord!

Save me from my self-righteousness Lord!

Not my will, but thine be done!

There's just so many emotions and thoughts that is contained within me. I need time to recuperate, reflect and be brought to remembrance not only His goodness to me thus far, but also His Word, vision and calling for me.

I love you Nick,

I love you Chloe,

I'm glad both of you are back.

But more so,

I'm glad God is with you

and my, look how you've grown!

'Tis the joy of your leader!

'Tis the joy of your mentor!

That no ma shall boast in himself,

but in Christ,

 and Christ alone.

(the costs of) Comparison

It's funny how just before logging into this account, even right to the point of typing the title of this new entry (which I usually do after finishing typing the entry), there was a 3-dimensional spider-web of conceptual sorts hanging within the mental structures of my inner skull. I even told myself that when I begin writing this, it would not be clear nor would it be concise: simply because this place is the site where I display those 'conceptual sorts' for the world to see, though really it is for my own viewing pleasure And sanity.

Ah, yes... comparison.

Just last night I went for a run. It was my first run in what? 4 months or so and all I was thinking about was how I wanted to achieve that 'hot bod' that my friends have -- broad shoulders with chest muscles, toned arms, flat tummy, 6-pack if possible, well-defined thighs and calves. During the run I recall singing the song "Jesus, lover of my soul" in my head where the chorus goes "It's all about you Jesus and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to your ways". Though these were the words that both my head thought of and that which my mouth mouths, deep down I know that I was pushing myself beyond what I could do. Nonetheless, I finished the run and managed to do approximately 40 pushups and about 30 situps divided in two sets -- numerically I totally suck. Just 9 months ago, I was doing an average of 80 pushups and 50 situps a day. But this, as I now see, isn't a game of numbers --- rather it's a game of humility/pride.

And I'll tell you why.

After finishing my exercise... AND OH, I DO HAVE TO SAY THIS: I hardly had any food And water yesterday so I knew that my body was severely lacking in the energy it needed to complete a run... So, when I got up my vision suddenly became blurry and sparkly with all those red-and-blue dots and my whole body became limp and weak. I literally trudged into one of the blocks to drink some water, only to realise that I shouldn't --- I knew a throw-up was gonna be inevitable. I quickly trudged to my block and went up to my room. By then my body became limp and totally strength-less; I didn't want to move though my mind really wanted to bathe before crashing on the bed.

I placed my sweaty head on the table and took off my glasses. By then my body was so uncomfortable because every muscle was aching and my vision was still blurred, I went to the floor to lie down and rest. When I did so, I thought this was the time to puke but thank goodness I didn't -- if not, I'd have been lying down in my own pool of watery bodily fluids. And so my sweaty body was laid down on the floor to rest and every muscle just having a mind of its own, totally uncooperative with the brain. 

I woke up once and when I got up a sharp ache-pain shot up from my knee up my thighs. I slumped into my seat again and laid my head down to the table. My vision was still blurry and dotted red-and-blue and my muscles were still terribly uncooperative. It was then I decided to go back down to the floor to rest again. I arose about ten minutes later feeling a lot better before taking a bath and as a result of those short naps, I couldn't fall asleep until 4am this morning.

I didn't mean for this entry to be a lengthy one about my experience last night. But really I was thinking about my own life and really, my future specifically. What I went through last night is just a real-life example to whoever is reading this that there are costs of comparisons; and those costs get significantly higher when you rush through those comparisons and think terribly of yourself. Taking care of my body is an instruction by God, but doing it in order to gain glory and attention for myself isn't glorifying unto God. "Yet not my will but thy will be done" -- tis the command I hear being repeatedly over and over and over again. (perhaps this is the motivation for this year's devotions, hmmm, I wonder)

Even so, when I think about my own future and what I intend to do: now I ask myself whether this is the will that God desires for me and that which I desire for and of myself. Be it the Masters or the PhD, working overseas or the getting/ living the high life, these are things that I now desire God to work in and through me. As much as I like to say I'm trusting God and His sovereign plan for me, I know that the falliable nature of man only draws me repeatedly away from what He wants for me, and towards the path which desires the praises, applause and glory of man whose riches are not only admirable but greatly treasured.

But at the end of the day, let my soul, body and mind cry out: "Yet not as I will, but thy will be done!" This journey of life ain't over and till it does, I want to live life as a good Christian solider fighting, alongside the Holy Spirit, against my own body and desires. At the end of the day, I want to die a good Christian soldier, where I can stand before the Lord who will not only give me a crown of righteousness but will say unto me, "Enter into my rest my good and faithful servant".

Until then, "dicens Pater si vis transfer calicem istum a me verumtamen non mea voluntas sed tua fiat" ("Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.")