in a span of one week or so, here's what i have to conquer:

1) 2 Presentations (One group, One Pair)

2) 2 Essays (1 Lit-poetry essay, 1 SOC-SGP essay)

in that same span of one week, here's what i have in store:

1) Cousin's Wedding

2) JCRC Retreat, which for some reason lasts 3 days

3) Tuition, which would probably take 3 days as well

4) CATCH-UP ON READINGS

one recess week in varsity is equivalent to 20 mins of recess in primary school, where 5 mins is spent on buying the food and 15 mins playing ice-and-water in the carpark.

I CANNOT spend my recess week like that.

it needs to be productive,

it got to be productive,

it better be productive.

I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!

you know you bring _______ to me (my life)

anyone can insert anything in that blank

then again, not everyone will

question is, will you?

i just want to say,

you've been a fantastic friend all these while. so take care kiddo; do find courage and solace in the Lord. you know you're not alone because you've got this pal watching your back, praying for you, and always ready to listen and comfort and support and encourage.

be strong my brother.

In His Most Amazing Love,

Darren.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall."

(Psalms 55:22)

it has been one hell of a day(ride) today.

it started off with a beautiful blessed and joyous win at the Amazing Art Find which was a Singapore Art Show event based upon the concept of the Amazing Race but based in and on the context of the local sculpture scene. we arrived third in position for the race itself but the resutls of the race was based on not just our time score but also the accuracy of our answers. and honestly we -darel, muzz and myself- thought we wouldn't win because the third prize was won by a group which didn't come in after us, aka fourth. so when the result for the second prize was read out that we won, duh we shouted. ha. what a shock win!

i came home from the race, bathed and within an hour was out again only to find myself in sam's house to celebrate wilbur's birthday. it was here where i was able to finally have the chance to sit down and have a good talk with mark - something we haven't done in a long while. it was fantastic to have been able to talk so freely, well relatively, despite the long break in our correspondance. but it got me thinking of certain things on my way back home.

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about a relationship?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about my career?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm simply baring my heart out, even to strangers?

i think the topic of masculinity has been a troubling issue for many boys, myself included? what makes one a man? definitely not the genitalia because essentially we are all equal in that aspect. so what else makes a man well, male? a muscular body size perhaps? or maybe assertive leadership skills? good complexion? or possibly the use of profanities? i think the list goes on. but suffice to say, i think boy youths are simply unsure of themselves. they lack confidence simply because there is no one person that they can emulate. in fact, there are many as the media portrays them to be. rich, famous, good looking, tall, dark, muscular, witty, these are just some of the attributes of these 'role models'. but honestly who can ever meet those criterion without any form of physical intervention (ie. plastic surgery or protein shakes)? credit to those who actually are blessed with all those traits, but in reality hardly any boy youth would be able to feel adequate. there is a feeling of inadequacy, a void that desperately needs to be filled, with something i do not know of. it is this inadequacy that causes boy youths, even men to find solace in each other to reaffirm their masculinity.

.

but then again, we ask the question: what if solace cannot be found, then what would happen to our boys and our men? it is still a technical question founded on emotions that i'm grappling with. that doesn't make me less of a man, or for that matter less of a male. in fact, i think it makes me more of a male - the ability to think for oneself and not be conformed to the social patterns of this world.

ah, sociology has effectively screwed my mind.

i'm supposed to be studying (reading) actually. but strangely enough i'm here, at the keyboard. somehow, there seems to be a mismatch of my current state of mind with my surroundings. the fatigue birthed from last sunday is beginning to take its full form but i'm here, at the keyboard, in school. i feel weak. no, not spiritually but physically weak and i know i need sleep. but there's a pressing need to read (study) that somehow i feel almost compelled to listen to the inner mugger. and so i will but i shall start with tomorrow. oh, if you know me well enough you'd know i'd do it - the ability to sit at the desk with no apparent entertainment and study for a straight 6 hours. i've done it before, 8 hours actually to be exact, and i could do it again. but to do that, i'd need ample rest, and sleep. urgh, i shouldn't have done my laundry with sam. cause that'd mean i'd have to wait at least three-quarters an hour before i can even sleep. however, in the face of all these heavy chains and shackles, i will 'look up' towards high heavens for my 'redemption draweths nigh'.

He is faithful and

He will be faithful because

He is my God and

He is GOD.

finally, the long run and the wait is over.

it started on a sunday afternoon and ended this morning, 2.30am to be exact. on hindsight now, i realised how insane the schedule had been for me. sleeping at around 2am every night/morning and waking up the next day at 8 was not an easy task. no, definitely not. many times i had to overcome my fatigue to literally drag my feet out of bed and then gravity does the work of getting my thin heavy body out from the sheets. come to think of it despite the fatigue in the morning, i always tend to end the day with at least some strength. i can only ascribe this gift of strength to the Lord who has so freely given it to me. indeed, He has been found faithful in my circumstances. i listened to 'Unfailing God' by New Life Worship and couldn't help but be amazed at the truth of it all. that the Lord does not fail us even in times of our desperation and need.

honestly speaking, i don't even know whether i'm making sense in that paragraph. the lack of sleep is getting to my eyes and head. but i need to study. i have to study. it's not a choice, it's a responsibility.

"You are unfailing God

Your love's unending

and Your Word is eternal-

firm in the heavens it stands"

i'm sitting in the library, staring into blank space. well not exactly blank space - i've got the computer screen to look at. people walk by me; people talk around me. there is an unusual calmness inside of me; there is an unusual level of noise for a library. and then i try to think ahead of what is to come tonight at the elections. strangely enough, i'm not thinking much. my mind draws a blank. i've been at this library for the past one hour, photocopying readings and printing notes from the net. a preoccupation perhaps? a responsibility maybe? i'm starting to realise the breath of being a varsity student. thinning out my efforts and work across my academic studies. oh the phone rings.

let's talk later.