this entry is one of the few that is written immediately after i feel and/ or see something special to me. this entry is particularly special because it reminds me of many things- things that i tend to forget with time but can never be erased, not even a spot of it lost. it is an entry written after i watched short running segments of the korean movie jibeuro about the unconditional and sacrificial love of a grandmother who lived in the rural areas for her city-influenced grandson.

i must admit that there were some tearjerking moments which took me very much back in time when i was still a young lad. i saw myself alive in that boy, always kicking up a big fuss at home with my grandma; and even if i didn't, she would always give me what i wanted. i never appreciated her, that's a fact, but i sure wished i did. i remember the times when we would both go marketing at the local supermarket and i always wanted sushi. but despite her frugality, she always gave me what i wanted. at times, i threw my temper at her; other times, ganged up with my sister and other cousin against her, giving her the stress that she never needed. i never really appreciated her or what she had done for me. she coached me in my mandarin, taught my cantonese, cooked me the most wonderful fish that till today no one can replicate, and most importantly was always there for me when i needed her. she never chided me, not once but was always full of encouragement whenever i came back down and out. she believed so much in education, so much so that in her dying years i promised myself that i would do my utmost at my O Levels and make her proud. i did, eventually. i would never forget the day she left the world to be with the Lord, and how i woke up to the phone call. i would never forget the day i went over to her house the next morning. i would never forget her words of wisdom. i would never forget her unconditional love for me. i would never forget and i will not forget. everything she did was for me and sometimes i hate myself for being so warped in my pre-adolescent immature state of mind that i became oblivious to everything. no tears now, not even now, will bring her back. nothing will or can bring her back, and everything that is left are just memories stolen from time. memories that will never be forgotten. they will not be.

i will not forget.

i love you grandma.

you know i do.