I don't believe in theories; or should I say, I don't believe in philosophical theories. All good theories must be practical and applicable, relevant in its contextualised time and space. With that being said, let's move on.

Perhaps some of us don't recognise the gravity of the words we say to each other/ youths we lead. I speak specifically to youth leaders as well as leaders of youths. It dawned upon me this afternoon that we don't monitor the words we speak, behaviour we act or even the attitude we show in the presence of these kids. Don't get me wrong; I don't mean to say mentoring or teaching is a terrible job (in fact, truth be told I enjoy my role as a teacher-mentor-servant leader of the youths in church). But we ought to watch our tongue and our heart when we serve the youths/ children. Setting an example to these youths is just as crucial and important as mentoring and teaching them the right values and lessons. I'm afraid some of us don't see the salience in our behaviour/ mannerism; and tis a fear I fear will have consequences on the kind of leaders we develop/ men and women we groom in the ministry.

Okay, that's enough for today.

First there was the beginning thoughts of marriage-parenthood-relationships; then came the parents' in-the-car nagging; followed by the eventual conversation divergences; after which came the friend's i'm-annoyed-with-you moment.

All these factors, coupled with the fatigue accumulated during the week, have led to what is popularly known as sian.

So just shut up and drive Darren; because so far that has effectively hidden a side no one, not one, has seen before.

Not feeling the best thing in the world right now, but I suppose this should compel me to look up toward God and not within myself.

"I am the Lord; that is my name;
      My glory I give to no other,

      nor my praise to carved idols"

                                     (Isa 42:8)

The road beneath me moves
with my back against the motion.
My heart, tired from the day's labour
cringes to hear a word
or a desire for a warm embrace:
... It seems all too meaningless;
it seems all too vain an effort -
but the road beneath me moves
with my back still against the motion.

listen to the waves and tell me what do you hear?

"with every crash, the waves shall
Claw on the beaches of your mind
- tearing with every pull of the sea
a memory,
a thought,
until all you're left with
are shards of broken glass;
now your mind is clear.
really?"

I ended a three-hour meeting.

Don't get me wrong - the meeting went fine; in fact, I'd say it was rather productive considering that we managed to tie some loose ends together. Perhaps it's the duration of the meeting that rendered me tired and worn out. Whatever the case, today's one of those days I want to be alone.

But the lure of friends deny me that opportunity. Funny how everybody seems to rally around a person departing our midst and in the process forget, or at least seems to forget everyone else. For a moment, that one person has been turned into a newborn child who holds the world's attention. It is a sight to behold, yet a lonely experience to have. Perhaps this is how the older child feels when he's got a new brother/sister in the family - he's forgotten, or at least seems to be forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, again - we're all friends and this is one of those few moments we have left with him. But yet, it seems all attention is diverted to him. Attention is a resource: once diverted, others are deprived.

Here's where I ask myself whether I'm being selfish.

My answer: I think I am; but more pertinently, am I wrong in requesting for a listening ear too?

I'm starting to feel numb to this whole . . . issue-situation(?). I really don't want a community of friends who only get together to chill-hang out. I mean it's great to have that, but it seems so . . . superficial. To know that after all these years I've been in church and to not have an community of friends where I can openly pour my heart out is depressing. Honestly, the feeling totally sucks. The people I'm close to - or at least close enough to pour my heart out - are pre-dominantly friends out of church (nick's the exception). As far as my cynical mind takes me, I reckon this will continue to some time and that thought is totally, totally depressing.

For now, tonight, I will go out and be merry with them. After all, that's what I'm supposed to do . . . act.