Recently I don't like to post entries online because the online space is getting a little too public for my liking; some thoughts ought to be kept within the offline zones, away from prying eyes and inquisitive hearts. But this time, just this time, I'm gonna blog about some things/ emotions/ thoughts that would be way too painful (both literally and figuratively) to pen it out on my tangible diary.
"Am I heartless?"
I walked home wondering if I really was that given the circumstances involving a friend's relationship. Actually a mutual friend told me about it last weekend, and I gave her the irritated response. Her response to me was exactly that which made me think today (now) whether I'm some heartless asshole. Okay, granted I wasn't told of it tonight; so technically I shouldn't know about it. But in all honesty, if I knew it'd work out to this emotional cost, I really wouldn't want to know. BUT then again this involves a friend --- a relatively close one too --- I can't simply walk away and not care, can I? I mean I feel disappointed for and with her, would lend her my shoulder to cry on or even cry with her; but I was feeling irritated, perhaps even angry inside. It was an anger directed at the relationship, at both fellas and at the timing of it. It was a relationship that hasn't found its feet repeatedly; it was a rocky one, perhaps one perpetually caught in a storm or at least one with looming dark clouds. Biblically, it was not okay (unequally yoked). But how do you say these things to a hurting friend?! Yes the truth hurts, but I ain't some moral crusader. I don't know how to tackle this, not even sure whether I should since technically I shouldn't know of it. Fact that word didn't come to me via a primary OR secondary source really does speak a lil of the strength of ties between the relevant parties eh (following social network theory). But this isn't the place to debate the relevancy of academia; I just want to learn (know) how to manage this emotion.
"I (think I) am a heartless single."
While showering I wondered whether my nonchalency, even my anger, could be attributed to my historical lack of a girlfriend. My apathy for the grieving halves is hence not real and perhaps unrealistic. That thought came to me as a counter-argument for all the advice I was thinking of dishing out. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps the way to go about doing this is not to do anything but quietly support the grieving. Nevertheless this silence doesn't do anything that reduces or mitigates the emotion of anger: I still am rather irritated. How can I correct if I've never been through it? I have no moral standing, neither can I make legitimate claims simply because I have a lack of 'experience'. I don't want to correct also because I don't know what's right, or wrong --- which is also an outcome of the experiential lack.
"Informal social networks: seeking man before seeking God"
I wonder now whether whenever we face trials, setbacks even heartbreaks, our first response is to seek man, instead of first seeking God. And my my, news does travel fast (especially-ironically in the ministry where gossiping is sin). I asked whether the grieving needed people there --- now that I think of it, I think my larger question could have been: essentially, does she have that space to seek God first or have people (friends) crowd that divine appointment out? As a disclaimer, I don't always seek God first all the time (yes, even till now) simply because sometimes all I really want is a hug from a close brother or a listening ear and zipped lips. But nevertheless, I asked myself as I took the elevator up to my apartment: Where's God in all of this?
It's even more interesting, now that I think of it, because I just shared with the camp leaders about how "All theology is practical theology". Now I see this discourse of 'god' (intentionally left in lowercase) can be a means to shrug another off, be extremely offensive and even symbolically violent. Biblically, here I am reminded of the love that the Bible exhorts us to do: strangely I'm also reminded that I just shared with the main camp committee about how when the Bible instructs us to do something, more likely than not these commandments stem from something much deeper, beyond the realm of bone and marrow.
I asked God: Why did you let me listen to all of this when I, who was almost dead beat in the car, could and wanted to go home? It is a question that I think I will not be able to answer quickly; but the one thing I'm confident about is that: all things shall work out good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose --- this I am well assured.
