floating unanchored.

Today's one of those days where a million things float in my head but somehow, I just can't put my finger on any of it. A good chat with Meiling after dinner at the airport did make me think of how one's assurance of salvation can perhaps be explained through one's spiritual reflexivity (borrowing Giddens' term and usage). But now that I'm back at home, on my bed, I can't seem to find anything to think about, let alone talk about.

It's leaving me rather lost, even disillusioned. I don't like it when I can't seem to think/ talk things out -- I don't like to leave things hanging around just like that. But somehow I know that if I slept it off, everything would be fine tomorrow morning. I just don't like that feeling, so hear me rant world.

Someone brought up a really good point regarding community at today's leaders' meeting. It's funny how one can remain so fixed in a (mental) structure previously set during his growing up years, and now when that structure has been done away with, he seems lost. Bourdieu would probably call this 'fish out of water', and it's seriously making people really uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable as well. During the moments of betrayal by two of my closest buddies, I had no one to look up to; I had no friends. Greg, whom I looked up to both as my leader and DL, was no longer around -- he's busy somewhere doing his own thing. I don't blame him at all; but nothing changed, I was still alone. It was only then when I started to look around at my peers to find some form of community for myself. Thank God for my division's leaders; Thank God for David (who's back for good); Thank God for Nick; indeed, He has provided. My point in all of this is that one's spiritual community is and cannot be found in someone older, or someone of the same age -- age, is not a barrier. Your spiritual community is made up of the people around you whom you're close to. It's no longer centralised and materialised in one singular Division Leader. Instead, your community is diffused amongst us.

Do I still feel alone at times? And I will give a resounding, "Sure!" But I now know I'm in the community of close friends -- some of them may not be the same as it were before; for that, I only pray our friendship will be strengthened. For others, maybe it's lost altogether -- so lost, sometimes I wonder if I even mattered at all.

Funny how after all this talk, I still can't put my finger on any particular topic. Maybe I will just sleep it off; but not before I talk to my Father.