So today marks the end of my examinations and also the start to my 21-day fast and prayer.
I was worshipping with about 50-odd youths in the Chapel and I knew there was a renewed call to repentence during those intimate moments. The song "Holy Spirit Rain Down" was sung and in the middle of it, I was caught -- I remained silent and still before the Lord; thus began the beginning of an agonising moment for my spirit. I don't really know how to describe that feeling but I'll try: imagine your spirit to be one full intact object. What happened during prayer and repentence was a complete tearing away of a part of that object away from the main body. It wasn't just a tearing away -- the agony was because I could literally feel the thing ripping violently away from my spirit. I could not hold back the tears and the scrunched up face could no longer hold them back. Yet I did not wail nor did the tears flow as freely as waterfalls; instead pools of tears formed around the eyes like little water bodies which gently meandered down the contours of my face. I have never, ever felt that spiritual agony before -- is this what travailing in prayer means?
But I know that God's not completely done with me yet. I think He revealed to me the thorn in my flesh, one that will haunt me and constantly bring me back to full humility and submission. All the other areas of my life are areas that, I felt God was telling me, He will mould me and help me overcome. But there is that one particular thorn that will constantly prick me over and over again so that I return to humility.
Then there was the prayer for our parents. Normally when it comes to this theme of the family for prayer, I'm always reminded of how blessed I am to be born into this world. Tonight, however, I felt God allowed me to feel just a very very tiny fraction of the agony and pain BOTH my parents went through when they lost their two children. In my mind, I was an emotion that existed in and between them. The feeling was real; I could not bear to close my eyes any further - I opened them during prayer. Also as if that was not enough, as I sat with my back against the wall and legs stretched out before me, I suddenly felt as if my lower abdomen (where the womb would be positioned in the woman's body) was empty; and there was a sudden and equal emptiness in my heart -- I believe God was allowing me to go through a very, very tiny fraction of what my mum went through. That only compelled me to love them and pray for them even more. I have never felt this way before.
This morning, before I went for my final paper, I was asking and praying for God to recreate the spiritual scene/ atmospehere in tonight's service. Somewhere, somehow I felt God promised me that He would do as He had done in the days of Pentecost and also His glory made manifest as during the days of Solomon's rededication of the temple. During the service when Kenny was introducing the gift of tongues, I was seated quietly at the back telling God that I'm holding fast to the promise that He has given me. After that the mass prayer began and many began to receive the gift -- it was a wonderful experience to behold and be part of as many of the youths began speaking boldly, some more quietly but assuredly, in tongues. During the final song, I felt a silent voice in my head telling me "Have I not fulfilled my promise made to you?" and I responded with a "OMG, thanks God; you've indeed been good".
Such is my experience on the first day of the 21-day prayer and fasting. I can't wait to see what next God has in store for this deep trench of my heart/soul waiting, just waiting to be filled to the overflow.
