finally, for once a non-emo entry; or at least i think it not to be. so, i was performing at a choir concert today with chorale, alongside the college choir and the more i looked at these mainly eighteen year-old adolescents running everywhere, not to mention a hell lot of noise, i really couldn't help but remember my frivolous youth.

ah, yes. the days we used to sing on the bus whilst on the way to the community centre for extra practices. the countless dinners our batch would always go for after every practice; after every thrice-weekly practice. it was nostalgic to be back in the same place where my batch probably staged her first public performance all on our own.

seeing the girls in their white gowns, with their hair tied up neatly with a matching white ribbon and the guys in their smart black suit with striking red tie, it was those wild days that i was remembered.

a junior was concerned with his batch, and my answer was this: every batch is different. but no matter the differences we may have within ourselves and with our seniors, as long as we work hard and work together, legacies can be left behind; footprints can be left behind. my batch did well, and i'm proud of our accomplishments. we overcame the odds to become who we are today, and look at where we are now. united. bonded. together. ultimately, friends.

so to the juniors i have this to say,
enjoy your years in vjc.
enjoy your years in vjchoir.
cause honestly, two years is not much
look back on the days you create today
and be satisfied.

i know i am.

The Equation

1 + 1 = 2

that's what they always say, don't they?

that's what we've been taught all along, haven't we?

all this while, all we've ever thought about was the '1' in the equation. what the numbers on the 'left side of the equal sign' are are all we ever think about, or at least that's what we've been learning all along - how it affects the equation; how it affects the 'right side of the equal sign'; how it affects the End.

but haven't we been selfish in forgetting about the '2'? have we thought whether it has even wanted to Be in the equation?

is it wrong for one to keep giving and giving and desire for an expected result? sure we do. we're the '1's aren't we?

after all i've gone through, i apologise for not thinking about how you felt. how it feels to be '2', how you probably felt you never wanted to be in the equation at all. how this equation finally ended nullified; how it ended void; how it ended up being a ZERO.

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements;

even if it leads nowhere.

it Would be a waste, even if i knew my place

should i leave it there?

i answer, yes. i should.

i guess that's probably the reason why i'm remaining passive about certain things. sure enough, i don't close myself to the world, but that doesn't give me any more of a reason to be seeking actively.

but i won't even ask you to stay. in spite of saying that, this i must say - there's something about you that keeps me going on, and i'm not even sorry about it.

i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

& i thought being strong meant never losing your self-control

but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

tonight i wanna cry.

maybe keith was right along.

they say people grow with time

inevitably, they change too

the times spent in classic togetherness

now seems distant, almost a memory

we can never go back to those times

or can we?

expectations are wings that help us to soar

but they can also be weights that pull us down

together we came into this world

but look at you! you've grown so tall

i've forgotten how you were

only the memories remain

and after all this while i ask myself

do i really know you?

then again,

do you really know me?

Dear Mother,

It's been 5 years since I left home. Please don't worry mother, I really am well. But 5 years is really an awfully long time and all this while I've been missing you however cicumstances have prevented me from returning.

All this while I have been doing well in the things assigned to me. I have washed my dishes, cleaned up after myself; I've been independent and independance was something you taught me in my formative years. Do you remember? Maybe not; because it was second nature to you - it was a mother's instinct.

Do you remember the days you scolded us for our long fringes? Or maybe for our socks not being above the ankle? Ah yes, I still remember the times we had to stand in the sun just so one of us would own up to his mistakes. But amidst all the punishments, you instilled in us a strong character - one which is able to stand the tests of time. Of course with bad times, there were always your light-hearted moments. You allowed us to leave home early just so we could boast to others of how well our older brothers did in their examinations. (But honestly, none of us really did that. HA!) There were the times we would just stay at home and kick some things (they really didn't have to be balls you know... I know it's still quite a mystery) And then there were the times when we would just cheer with all our might for your glory and your honour and for the pride you instilled in us all these years.

Oh they were all such good memories!

And here I am, back home; back to where it all started 5 years ago. I said this when I left home that year but I have never understood its significance, let alone grasp the fullness and abundance of it. But now, here I am, two weeks being at home and I can now understand just a glimpse, a fraction of its significance. Nonetheless I would say it again:

We do not return to you Mother,
For we have never really left.

Nil Sine Labore,

Darren

Treasures in Jars of Clay

in a plethora of convlusive mind action

sometimes a friend's voice is not one

you would liked to hear, no.

not even a close friend's voice.

cast the phone into the heap of rubbish

on your table as presented to the world

and cup your head in your hands.

yes my dear, cry.

tears start to well up in your eyes

and you suddenly think you're staging this

no my child, the lights will dim

you are precisely who you are.

so in that plethora of convulsive mind action

you cup your head in your hands

and you cry. oh, you cry!

you realise who you really are

and who I really am.

saying YES to everything doesn't solve everything
but it does make the people around you happy.

question is,
does it make You happy?

you feel that everything is about the people around you
and nothing, almost nothing is about yourself

you feel empty and depleted,
wasted, alone and weak. oh, so weak.

and then there is silence
just. sheer silence.

The Lord is good and just simply AWESOME.

i recently just came back from a church camp that lasted from tuesday to thursday, following that i was to perform with the college choir at the world choral youth festival on friday and then to sing at John's wedding on saturday. so i was feeling really skeptical about myself being not able to lose my voice, let alone make it hoarse. and so in times like this what do we all do? PRAY. and so i did. i prayed that as i give my all during the camp, God will sustain my voice and not just that cause it to be in tip-top condition for the two events following the camp.

sure enough even during the camp itself when in the day i, like all the other leaders were, had to scream and shout and do whatever we can to get the kids' attention. it was insane especially when you're dealing with kids that age. they can run all around the place, make a whole lot of noise but thank God they were controllable; not some wild horse running frantically round the green field looking for a nice tuft of grass to feed on. okay, i'm digressing; but you get the point. obviously towards the end of every day, my voice was weak; it was tired. but yet every morning when i wake up, truly the mercies of God are new every morning; i never fail to realise that i still have my voice, and more than that i'm able to speak naturally as if i've never used it before. sure the voice was tired, but you can still feel the strength in the voice. and i believe that strength came from the Lord.

it was only the second night that i received this blessed assurance that my voice would be sustained and so the next morning i acted out in faith. i did what i needed to do and boy oh boy, i was starting to lose it. i slept that night, woke up on friday morning and my voice was so tired i kept thinking that i was speaking at some tone higher than my usual speaking voice. and then the performance neared. during sound check, it was terrible. i couldn't hit the high notes with that resonance and placement causing the notes to be uber flat, coupled with the fact that my breath control wasn't good, any chorister would tell you that'd be a disaster.

but Praise God! we had dinner after that, warmed up again, sang a few old songs together and by performance time, i was singing so freely. there was the resonance. there was this focus. there was some breath control. it was good.

of course the camp wasn't just about this, there are so many other things that happened and what i saw in the camp that i can talk about! but this particular one is something personal, something that meant so much to me and the Lord has blessed me so much. truly the work we do in the Lord shall never be in vain, for His promises are YES and AMEN.

to God be the Glory forever and ever,

AMEN.

DIvision Retreat 2008

i don't normally post my emo posts online but this one is an exception because this is dedicated specially to my cell group: HOTBULBS and the division.

firstly to my dearest and most beloved cell. whatever i shared with you guys on the last night - that 'speech' really came from the bottom of my heart and i meant every word i said. i know sometimes i repeat things but the fact remains - I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS DO IT, BUT YOU GUYS JUST ROCK. goodness, that sounded like it just came from a secondary school kid, but honestly i don't know how else better to put it. you guys honestly rock and throughout the four night spent with you guys i've learnt so much about you through all that sharing and screaming and shouting and bridging and german-bridging and phototaking and ... the list goes on.... and i realised yet another thing. that the moment you guys left the house was the moment i started missing you guys already. and now that the retreat is over and done with, all i want to do now is to just talk and see you guys again. fellowship and talk and bridge and mahjong (welcome to the club!). and that's precisely how i feel now that it's over and you guys are back home and then just when i want to call or sms you guys, i realise that my phone's not with me. you guys brought me so much joy and laughter that i could forget about the loss of the phone. and i guess it's really because of the company, one that i can never find anywhere else in my life, that made this all worthwhile. i take comfort in the Word where Paul wrote in 1 Cor 15: 58, "Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LABOUR IN THE LORD IS NOT IN VAIN". seeing you guys grow in Christ really have made it ALL worthwhile.

to my fellow leaders - Rachel, Lynn, Salome, Lewis and Gregory, THANKS for making this retreat a successful one despite the tight planning schedule. take comfort in Paul's words as written above! let's all have the holy expectation of seeing our cells grow even Further in and with Christ! i hope the retreat have started something new in your cell, whether it has rejuvenated it or revived it or encouraged it or strengthened it, let us continue to strive for excellence for we do it ALL FOR CHRIST. let us also continue to support one another in ministry and prayer, keeping one another in our thoughts and prayers! david and wilbur, WE MISS YOU!

.

to the division and everyone else, thanks for your attendance and participation because really without you all, not only will this retreat be doomed to failure, the division would fall too! thanks to all who have made this a reality! and last but not least, TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.

my ORD Thank You List

today marks the end of a twenty-two month-long milestone in my life. and i don't want to forget the people who have made this journey what it is today.

first and foremost to God, my everlasting Father, Saviour, King, Redeemer, Sustainer, Provider and Giver of All Good things. through Him there are no impossibilities and it's been a great pleasure learning this throughout my length of service. i carried a hope and a desire when i enlisted, to be a leader, whatever that meant in the force. and when i didn't achieve that, naturally i was disappointed. but His sustanance and providence for me has been more than enough for me and soon i was blessed with something far beyond my expectations. in fact, it was far beyond the expecatations of anyone i knew. back there, i was further blessed with good health, great friends and an experience like none other. it was awesome and i still attribute it to the goodness of my God. without Him, i would not have made it out on my own. Father, it is by your power and your strength for me that has seen me through; without which, i cannot do anything. Thank You.

.

secondly, to my family who have supported me all the way, silently but surely they did so. even when i was posted There, i had the full support of my family members and none disagreed to it even when they first heard of it. their support for me when i was still a bloddy recruit was all the more crucial to me as i learn the ropes of their trade. i am proud to be a soldier, just like they were; though i must say that it would be foolish for me to join the force simply because i wanted to follow in their footsteps. nonetheless, i am proud of my parents' previous work experiences. Thank You Dad, Mum and Sis for all the support and love even through the times that i wasn't around.

.

thirdly, to all my dearest Cell Group, HOT BULBS and my dearest co-leader of which i must must make special mention, because she has undertaken the responsibilities of two people during my absence. to Rachel Kee, you've been most valuable and appreciated for for all that you've done for this cell group. i know the kids can get quite uncontrollable at times but by the grace of God, all things are and have been made possible. when i left, i knew that the Lord will not forsake you, for that was His promise to not just me, but to those who read His word, and i'm glad He has not gone back on His word. Thank You for your every single bit of effort, dedication and hoarse vocal cords because you keep getting them to settle down. to the rest of my cell members, you guys have been a great joy to have and i thank God for each one of you everytime in my prayers. you have been my motivation and inspiration at times and more than that, it brings me great joy in seeing all of you grow and mature spiritually in the Lord. Thank You All for your prayers, constant encouragement, love, and even those msn convos.

.

fourthly, to my awesome friends back there (you know where it is). the months spent there was the most awesome time ever spent, not only because i was alone and away from home and could do whatever i want but it was the company that still make me reminscience of all the good times we had. you guys were there when i was down, stood by me, cared for my wounds, and not forgetting those random walks to 7-11 just outside the gates. i still remember and will always have them safe in my memories. so Thank You All for the great times and fond memories. a special shout-out to the following people: Aaron, Jeremy, Jeng Hei, Wei Wei, Philip, Ganwei, Kevin, Guan Teck, Jacob, Junyi, Ting Ho, Eric; thanks for the support and friendship man.

fifthly, to my BMT mateys as well as my Signal Cours Platoon 17/06, thanks for the wonderful memories of crap in tekong and stagmont. i know stagmont was complete slackness but hey during those times it was errr, just slack la huh. but Thank You for your friendship and constant encouragements. a special shout out to the following people: Falcon Platoon 1 Section 4 mateys (Prabhu, Samuel, Benjamin, Han Fei, Nelson, Li Qian, Roger, Brian, Yi Liang, Dean, David), Kai Siang, Bing Long, Alvin, Brandon, Daryl; Stagmont 17/06 mateys (Wai Kit, Gabriel, Benji, Eugene, Rif, Suren, Eng Chye, Shi Chun, Vinodh, Zhi Jian).

.

last but not least, to my relatives, friends, and aquaintances who have supported me throughout these twenty two months of my life of which all of them have brought me comfort, encouragement, even strength and renewed faith. a special shout out to: Victoria Chorale, i know it was my bad pang sehing you guys for In Song 2007 but i'm back and ready to contribute and improve myself for Korea 09! (Samantha, Siying, Jian Hao, Marie, Pei En, Stephanie, Jon Chuah, Sue Lynn); 4B, 05S43, , HQ SIG MP BR (Ms Lee KT, Marcus, Jennifer, Kian Long, Boon Teck, Mr William) Joel Sng, Gerald, Wilbur, Justin, Kenny, Zara. Thank You All.

.

so that probably sums up an ESTIMATED list of those who have supported me through these months. if i've left you out, please know it was not at all intentional, i'm really tired now and cannot think very straight. it is my greatest pleasure to have had your encouragements and support, care and concern; please know that they all meant something to me. so to those unsung heroes, and a final admonishment to all, THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING.

dating is an anesthetic to what is to come -

marriage is about healing the past of the individual,

it has never been about romantic love.

PS: i grabbed this off the Oprah show, just found it interesting.

plainly; i want to don that sweater you hand knitted for me, sit by the bedside and slowly, just slowly sift through all the old photographs we took of each other; remembering, that somehow, perhaps, in the distance i can catch that familiar laughter of yesteryear. i clung on tightly to every parchment in my hands trying, with what my body and spirit was capable of to feel your skin brush gently against mine, or to wipe those tears streaming down your wrinkled face, or to run my fingers through your grey-white hair. oh, they were beautiful. yes, you were beautiful, and it pains me even more so that, all my life i have never said that to you; and now saying it alone, to myself, it seems foolish all of a sudden how something so stark, so apparent could have not caught my attention. oh no. that's not true. you did exactly so back then, when at a call of your name you turned your head with such feminine grace and your then-black hair gently swept across the air, floating seamlessly, finally landing neatly on your womanly shoulders. i could never forget that moment for it was a moment of sheer beauty and like they always say, beauty only happens once. but right now even as the fireplace burns, and her yellow-orange hues spread evenly across the room, there will always, always be some nook, some cranny that this light can never reach; it remains dark, it remains unspoken of for there is only regret.

.

(please don't think too much of this. i'm just tired out from the labour of the day and as always whenever i am fatigued, words such as these flow but they mean nothing. however feel free to give me your comments about it, ha. i do wish to learn and improve)

i don't really want to generalise this but recently within four days i have experienced the lack of graciousness in Singaporeans during the rush hours, and honestly i'm really starting to wonder whether we are really practising what we promote ourselves to be --- that Singapore is a Gracious City.

in the first incident which happened on a train back to the heartlands from the city area, a fight nearly broke out between two men. they were not young, or so i think, so maybe that could be a factor - age and their old-fashioned ideas, whatever they were. and then there was the second incident that took place on a bus; this time it involved two women who are probably both in their forties and no, there wasn't a fight but in lieu of it there was this "public humiliation" from one to another that she was pushing her when the bus was Moving. uhhuh, you're probably going like DUH.

look the point i'm trying to make here is this. we all know it is the rush hour, and we all want to rush home for various reasons. some need to cook dinner, some need to pick up their kids, and of course there are those channel eight hardcore fans who would want to catch the latest episode of the 7pm drama serial. we all have our reasons for going back that early, thus the rush hour, thus the squeeze, thus the packed-like-sardines situation. can't we all just have a bit of patience and show that little amount of graciousness to others, like us, just for that few minutes?

if someone steps on your toes, literally or figuratively; or if someone really is intruding on your personal space, of course not TOO close; can't we all just say "Excuse me...." or at least a "Sorry but you are...." nicely, instead of a push or a sarcastic remark?

don't take this personally but i think if you really don't like all this rushing and the squeezing on the trains and buses, then don't take the public transport during those times. isn't it better to show a bit more grace to our fellow countrymen than to shovel and scream in their ears as if they haven't already had a good and fulfilling day already (have you ever thought you're just making it worse for those who got it Real bad that day and then imagined if that person was you; id feel like crap above the crap i already feel at work in the day)

i believe that before someone sells his/her product the person needs to believe in the product first, if not he'd be lying and any further questioning could very well cost him the lack of sales. let us all practice what we promote ourselves to be : Singapore is a Gracious City.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger. "

(Proverbs 15: 1)

with the american presidential election looming, i cannot help but take notice of how the debates are getting from prodessional to personal. sure it's democracy and votes do matter in such a free state as the us. but let's take a step further and think about the effects these personal attacks would have on the country. in a time when the country is in peril' in chaos; needs strong leadership, such personal attacks that remain on the back of the minds of the people, might prove to be a hindering block to the president (whoever he or she may be) when he/she needs to unite the americans. after all, we all know that unity is strength. i wonder whether there are any people out there thinking about the personal statements the previous presidential nominee made about the current president and how that can actually affect their belief in him, the system, the instituition and ultimately the state.

so this got me thinking: is this a natural flaw of democracy?

okay i think this would be a relatively short entry, of course not considering the pseudopoems i wrote before, but yes i believe this should be a relatively short entry.

to start it off, i went back to parent unit today. okay pause for a moment, could you feel the excitement i had in that statement> ah yes, no. true enough, i was not looking forward to going back to stagmont. but somehow i recall telling myself "we're going back to where it all began" as i trudged up the slopes to where the office was. so i spent literally half a day not doing anything except for entertaining myself with my good ol' book and the other quarter shredding papers. here's the interesting part. it was the last quarter which got me rather aquainted with the present staff there, considering the fact that the staff that i knew before i left overseas were all gone, and i actually want to go back there again. it's a happy place you know, where the atmosphere is all lively and jovial; and my only fear is that once Boss comes back, everything screams FUNERAL / CHINESE ORCHESTRA.

on other news, i was wondering why we army guys don't have a SINGAPURA on our shoulder board and the navy/ airforce men do. i'm not referring to commissioned officers or warrant officers, i'm talking about the men. odd isn't it, or maybe i'm just ignorant about it?

another interesting sight today at the coffeeshop whilst having dinner. the father buys two plates of rice. he places it down on the table. he starts eating. the domestic helper, carrying the child on her laps takes the other plate of rice and starts feeding the child. the father carries on eating, seemingly oblivious. the child looks intently at the father. are we becoming too reliant on these domestic helpers in raising our children to such an extent that the responsibilities of parenting are now being transferred to the shoulders of these foreigners?

okay, i said it SHOULD be short so maybe i was wrong.

found this off the net, translated from mandarin

[shoots, i'm actually translating]

love is like a fog

and i am a window in the night

i try to rub the mist off my panes

but still, i can't seem to see the outside.

how many of us look at

our friends, colleagues, even family members

and suddenly feel all lousy inside?

i have.

now, how many of us think that These People

are contented with what they have

or maybe there's a possibility that they're just like, us

- feeling lousy, whenever they look at us.

ah, maybe that didn't cross our minds.

we, worldy creatures

have worldy desires

and thus have wordly ideals of people and things

we tend to focus so much of what we lack

that at times, we forget our own strengths.

we lose ourselves in the madness of it all

allowing envy and jealousy to creep in

when at the end of the day,

we soon realise that what we have,

Those People want

Those People desire;

Those People envy;

Those People lose themselves.

so question is, when will all this stop encircling?

.

Ecclesiastes is right

if the wisest and the richest man can find no fulfilment

what chance do we have?

let us count our blessings daily

and give thanks to our Heavenly Father

from whom all good gifts come.

i don't like this feeling at all.

nope, not a single bit of it.

the question comes with the fatigue

and prayerfully, goes with the sleep

and it is making me rather sick.

when will it be my turn? it echoes on

i try to respond and provide an answer

but fact is, even if it finally is my turn,

i don't want it. i'm sick of it.

it is nobody's fault. no, not you; not even me.

cause it's a feeling i always get,

and for what reason i'm still left wondering.

but one thing remains true:

i wonder how life would be like with you.

i'm home.

i'm feeling strange though.

maybe that's what this ten days are for

- for me to adapt back to the ol' ways.

so if you see me in the streets

listening to some random mandarin music

forgive me, but i do suppose the music helps.

家，到底是哪里?

2007年06月22日
是世界庆祝我19年前诞生的那一天；
但也是我一生以来最难忘的旅途的开始。

单独坐在暴满的飞机上
却感受不到百人的存在
默默仿佛只听得到心话
而周围渐渐的被模糊。

遗忘了，什么都忘了。

刚抵达机场的我
拖着笨重的行李
着急在人海中寻找某人
啊！找到了！
我们“回家”吧。

其他细腻的事我都忘了， 什么都忘了。

一年前的我不敢相信
一年的时间会一转眼的过去
但现在的我终于明白
世上是没有不可能的事。

我在这里该做得都做了
反而觉得有时付出了太多
但这一年来都没被夸过
一声感谢词都没有
使我觉得我的功劳到底有多值得

啊！遗憾， 这是遗憾吗？

对于我在这里交的朋友
我是无法形容，
只能说认识他们是我的荣幸
也是我的幸福
没有他们的陪伴
这一年以来都不会好过
现在临走之前的我
只能够好好珍惜剩下几天的陪伴
为我们的友谊的未来抱着永恒的希望。

这，真的是遗憾吗？

不。我付出的这么多
上帝已十倍的补偿给我
那么丰富的经验，乐与赏
我都得到了。

但这个旅途总有一天会结束
而结束的那一天就即将来临
我不遗憾
我不伤心
我绝对一滴眼泪也不会付出
因为我知道未来有多么的开心，
再次能见到你们会有多么幸福
- 我抱着这么的希望迈向未来

过几天，2007年06月22日会再次重复
我离家，回家去了。

it took me more than a day to figure out why i've been feeling fatigued since 8pm tonight, and it came as a surprise though it actually wasn't. okay, word of grammatical caution here, i'm typing this entry with a more-asleep-than-awake mind so forgive the grammar, worse, the punctuation.

so the reason was... of the happy hour. even after half a day's rest and the night's rest on the 18th, it seems to me that all that amount of sleep was simply not enough for my body. TOO LITTLE he screams, oh well. so it's little wonder i was getting all sleepy at 8pm but guess what; i decided to not sleep only because of the fact that tomorrow's a saturday and we all know that saturday mornings are perfect for sleeping in. so i'm not going to waste that oppurtunity, considering that this friday and saturday will be my last 'friday' and 'saturday' of my tour here. come to think of it, it's pretty depressing.

another thing i must must say is this: i was wondering why people work so hard sometimes, like what's the purpose of it all? to get the promotion, a compliment or something else? it gets worse when the person you're working for doesn't acknowledge your work or even recognise your efforts, but rather simply gives you the 'highest' grade second to one which requires a mandatory further effort, such as a testimonial. i've always been an advocate of the phrase "DO YOUR BEST" but honestly it gets tough doing so if whoever you're working for doesn't give you the recognition that your work deserves. and i say this as follower/ worker of one year plus; imagine those who have been working like cows and not have those who squeeze their udders even utter a simple word of thanks.

i said this this evening and i say it again, for records' sake and for those idiots out there: why bother working so hard when you're not even appreciated for it. if you don't get appreciated, screw it; just get bloddy used to it.