Seasons

there's a season for everything

the fire continues to burn -
yes, it still does burn
but like a fire in summer
and everything starts getting warm,
the flame somehow fizzles out.

a while back ago,
the fire burned -
yes, it burned brightly
just like a fire in winter
and everything seemed so cold; ice
the flame did serve her purpose.

dear friends, it is not that i want to leave; neither have i chosen to leave, for good at least. i don't even ask for your support, but just a friend's understanding just like the ol' days. someone asked me to leave, jokingly i hope, but it hurt. it did. singing the anthem at the concert hall brought memories of our infant years; not much of the years we learnt to walk, surprisingly. nonetheless, they were good memories and please do know, and i pray you'd also understand that i have my reasons for my absence. i will be back, that's not an empty promise. take care folks <3

The Heart And The Thirst For Blood

i recently attended my first ever philharmonic winds concert on sunday evening and i must say, they were better than what i thought them to be. i can't even pride myself to say that i have more than ten band mp3s in my computer, let alone say i know band music well enough to critique this particular band that i watched perform at the esplanade concert hall.

so naturally, darren being darren, i started thinking...

a quick flip through of the concert programmes booklet would reveal much about the latest developments for this band. well suffice to say, they're going overseas for a band clinic, a symposium of sorts i believe. and then i started thinking about how my time both past and present in a choir was. how we, as a choir go overseas once every two years to sing and compete at international competitions. often and fortunately at times we won, and it's natural for choristers to voice their displeasure at the nation's disdain of the arts scene - especially, the choral scene in schools.

more often than not we, i too was involved in the fiasco, always think of ourselves as national representatives which honestly isn't wrong, but yet do not get the glory and media attention that we hoped we would get. even the most prominent school choir winning big time at some really big international choir competition wouldn't get as much publicity as the SEA Games; then again, very often we don't even get Any publicity.

you're probably thinking that i'm going to get all fired up to speak my case against the country's treatment to promising choirs, bands, dance groups and instrumental ensembles who have the highest hopes of achieving excellence in their field of expertise. to answer that throbbing question then, i would say as much as i don't like the way we're being treated, i start to ask myself now "What exactly drives us to pursue the arts?"

you see, i've been to a few international choral competitions around the globe during my time in choir (not as much as my really good seniors, but still suffices for me to talk about it) and i realised that there was a trend of rallying everybody together during the final build-up to the competition to put in that bit more effort, for what? "To win the Gold medal" / "To win the Grand Prize" / "To top our category" / "To bring glory to Singapore" (okay, i don't normally hear the last one, but still i know there are some loyal singing lions out there). are they not what we use to hear?

i was challenged to think about this - to reconsider the driving force as to what drives my passion to sing. if i were to sing my part well, and blend perfectly with the choir just so that we can win the gold medal, a grand prize or even to top our categories participated in, what joy do we derive from it? such a joy is short-lived. yes the meomory of winning at riva del garda still resounds fresh in my head, but the joy of touching the grand prize in italy was short-lived; it lasted for the moment.

recently, i also had the priveledge of watching the accalaimed musical CATS and what struck me in the cast's performance wasn't just their perfect acting skills nor their singing techniques (they were fantastic in both, just by the way thing). instead, it was their joy of acting and singing just so that they could tell a story to us, the unknowing crowd of baboons. it was their enthusiasm that struck me as a performer and as an entertainer. the cast performs nearly every night at different locations all over the world over a long span of months the same piece over and over and over and over again.

now tell me, if their joy came from the last number, how tired would they feel after doing it over and over again numerous times? if they derived their joy from a standing ovation, and did not get it do they feel they've failed? if their joy comes from applause but the crowd is just unresponsive do they wallow in self-pity and conden themselves? i never actually talked to any of them personally, but this is my take on the matter. they considered the simplest act of performing through song, dance and drama as pure joy; to be able to sing out their heartfelt emotions, that was their joy.

now looking back on my choir days, they weren't wasted. nope, not a single bit because through the practices, we forged close friendships. but nevertheless, what joy did i derive from it? if i had not enjoyed myself and found joy in the simplest act of performing through choral singing, then maybe i'd have to rethink driving force behind this 'passion'

i know tomorrow is the SYF for JC Choirs, yet another competition. through this blog entry i'm not promoting a slack culture and attitude to strong choral singing techniques, i'm merely making my point known that sometimes we have to think more with our heart, rather than with our desire to kill.

the performing arts is a genre unlike the sports, where we don't go all out to kill; instead we touch lives through our repertoire, body movements and acting. everything we do comes from our emotions, our inner being, our state of mind, everything internal. we ought to think with our heart and not be driven by our thirst of winning a competition.

so the question still remains,
have You touched a life yet?

CATS

ah, CATS.

i've never really loved cats,
nor have i ever liked them.
especially the small ones with 'furry tails'
and 'cute lil' paws'; nope,
i've never liked them.

they prance around the land
scratching and creeping,
lurking around in dark corners
not to mention their eyes; nope,
i've never liked them.

at least i'm more forgiving to
their bigger counterparts
lions, cheetahs, leopards, pumas
beautiful coat of skin, but still
none compares to the wild dogs; comparatively,
i've never liked them.

but take these feline creatures
from the house and turn them to
dancing, singing twirling creatures
gyrating to the beat of jazz and the big band;
speaking in human language, not random meows;
perhaps, just perhaps
i might have started a new love for cats.

CATS, the musical that is.

it was the best i've ever seen,
and possibly the most entertaining and exciting one ever.

LIKE FINALLY, SPEEDLIGHT'S FIRST EVER NIGHT CYCLING EVENT IS OVER. albeit this entry comes fourteen hours after the end of the event, i still have to pay tribute to many people.

to deirdre - YOU'VE BEEN AWESOME WOMAN. thanks for pushing me on to get the stuff ready for this event. if you were just as nua as me, i bet this event would have been a complete disaster. so thanks for all that. YES YES, FOR ALL THE BREAD-EATING MOMENTS TOO.

to vinnie, douggie - thanks for being so supportive of deirdre and myself in the planning of the event. your suggestions and constructive comments did challenge us but nevertheless helped us to always be ahead of any possible problems that may arise. IT'S BEEN AWESOME WORKING WITH YOU FELLAS IN OFFICE!

to justin, shimin - thanks for patiently waiting for us at the designated carparks and places where even the mata came to visit us. i apologise for the times i had you guys change places when the plans changed, and i'd hope you understand. thanks for everything!

to elizabeth, our friendly sparklight co-OJL - thanks for all the laughter in the office and even for joining us in supporting our event. YOU WERE AWESOME IN MAKING US LAUGH AT THE DARNDEST THINGS EVER, EVEN IF IT WAS ABOUT YOUR ESPIRIT UMBRELLA.

to thiha pine - thanks for being a great co-organiser with dee and i for this event. thanks for joining us for the recce that nice lovely afternoon! YOU WERE GREAT IN RALLYING THE PEOPLE TOGETHER WHEN THE OTHER THREE OF US WERE TIRED FROM ORGANISING AND PLANNING. AWESOME STUFF MAN.

to chin xiang - thanks for staying back with me all the time when i was the last man. your presence there ensured my sanity and kept me well and alive even at the lowest of my energy levels. your spirit of enthusiasm for this event, patience towards others and selfless spirit is a blessing to others around you, and i've got lots to learn from you. keep shining for the Lord dude.

to the mentors and leaders - you guys did a fantastic job in accounting strength and making sure that everybody in your group was well and alive (thank goodness). your spirit of enthusiasm and energy was superb and i'd like to commend you on that. :)

finally, to EVERYBODY WHO JOINED US (LEW - Elizabeth, Chin Xiang, Andrew, Gene, Amanda, Jacky, Sarah Joseph, Ben, Marcus, Gladys, Natalie; LET - Grace, Shu Hua, Gordon, Kenny, Gregory, Alvin, Charmain, Joel, Leon Chng, Joseph, my sister Sheryl, Leon Tan, Arielle, Lousia, Patrina, Jian Yang, ah Boon, Salome and Lynn) - THANKS FOR COMING AND SUPPORTING US IN THIS EVENT. IT WAS ENCOURAGING FOR ME TO SEE EACH ONE OF YOU ENCOURAGING ONE ANOTHER, SPURRING ONE ANOTHER ON DURING THE COURSE AND I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A FANTASTIC TIME MINGLING AND FELLOWSHIPPING WITH ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THIS EVENT. LET THIS NIGHT BE ETCHED IN YOUR MEMORIES. LET'S CONTINUE TO SERVE ONE ANOTHER IN PATIENCE AND LOVE AS SPEEDLIGHT, A BODY OF CHRIST, STRIVES FOR MORE GLORY AND EXCELLENCE FOR OUR LORD!

i know i haven't been updating the blog as much as i want to so here's a quick update of what's been going on with me and whatever's been running through my grey matter.

i have been working, with a night cycling event this thursday evening through to friday morning. and that would be accounted as work to me. how awesome is that - how can i not say i love my job. oh well, nonetheless preparations for it has been pretty draining on some days and honestly i havent been sleeping much. so much so that when i woke up at 0720 this morning, i was pretty surprised at how awake i was despite the little amount of rest i had the nights before. seems like the Lord is true to His promises, that His mercies are new every morning.

onto matters of the heart.

i've been learning many things of which i don't intend to share on this public portal. nonetheless, my prayer is that out of these lessons i may, and by faith will find a love that goes beyond human measure. suffice to say, i'm still learning. what got me all started? well, let's just say a small talk with the boys helped me search for the answers within.

lastly, here's to all my dearest kids who are preparing for their exams: IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT STUDYING. no, i don't mean that. ha, it's good that you take time off to go online and be connected to the world. your textbooks don't bring you very far into imaginations, only dreams and as we all know, dreams occur only when we sleep. nonetheless, my prayers are with and for you everyday that every single one of you would continue to excel in your studies, have an excellent health and superb time management both during preparations and at the exams proper. continue to walk closely with the Lord kids; talk to Him about your struggles and fears, He'll listen. as much as i want to be with you all, you know i can't divide myself into portions. but i do know that the Lord is with every single one of you, just as He is with me.

for that, i know you guys are in good hands
and i am encouraged.

love you all :)

i do wonder how many actually believe
that 'beauty is only skin deep'

and then i wonder how well that
would bode for me

today hasn't been a good day

financial woes,
kids' exams-trip clash,
ICT call-up,
and a small bit of You.

i want to sleep all these things off
and retreat to the back of my head
forget the world for that short few hours
of pitch darkness, and utter silence.
for then, the world will stop turning
everything ceases, but life still goes on.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
on that promise i shall stand.

why do people say that guys from boys schools are weird?

you know what,
i think they are;
i think we are;
i think i am.

but it's always heartening to know that every step along the way, in school and even when we're waaaay out of it, there's always a brother behind you - watching your back, always encouraging, always supportive. without saying, there's also much admonishment between us. it's strange that we can be so open with one another but yet live such seperate lives.

maybe that's the type of brotherhood we enjoy.
maybe that's why we're weird.

i commented at the dinner table that for 5 years since we knew one another as a class, we've been having such random dinners either after aep lessons, or after a long hard day working on our aep project, and even during our ns days, we still made time for one another. such dinners never seemed to be a rarity, it seemed so common. but despite the many meals together, there's always something for us to talk about; there's always something for us to gain, to give encouragement and to be encouraged.

and then i asked them, 10 years from now will we still have such common random meals together? reyneth coolly replied, "yea, with our kids all over the place." uhhuh, trust the only attached boy at the dinner table to say that.

but you know what?
as long as we have these dinners;
as long as we have each other,
i don't care much about the kids.

aih, nostalgia.

HOTBULBS' AWESOME NIGHT CYCLING

urgh, this is one of those rare moments i talk about a particular event per se in proper paragraphs, unlike past entries where barely half a sentence or a phrase took up one line. but to make it even more special than the past entries, i'm writing this entry Right After the event took place. so you can imagine a smell, dirty lil' boy - with washed hands on his keyboard, most certainly - typing this supposedly short/ long essay (of which he still cannot decide)

the whole event was so eventful, no pun intended, but it was sure packed with good memories. we recorded so many 'firsts' for our cell through this event. this event is in itself our FIRST EVENT for 2009. it is also the FIRST TIME we start an outing at midnight. it is also the FIRST TIME we have supper at supper time. it is also the FIRST TIME we did night cycling as an activity together. it is also the FIRST TIME we attempted such a feat. not to mention, it is the FIRST TIME (surprisingly) beatrice could join us for a physically-demanding activity.

everything was just awesome. it wasn't perfect - definitely not, but it worked out really well. a route was planned, but it was easily modified to suit our physical and emotional needs, especially towards daybreak.

nevertheless, it was really because of the Lord's blessings that led to such a successful event. and as such, His blessings we should and will never forget.

there were NO INJURIES! ('cept for a punc-zheh tyre)
there was NO RAIN! (despite seeing thunder since 8pm)
we had GREAT FELLOWSHIP
we had GREAT BONDING TIME
we had a SMASHING TIME.

for all these things and MORE, to God be the Glory.

to my dear hotbulbs: i do hope you guys really enjoyed yourself thoroughly throughout the event. aiyoh, butt pain sure kenna one; sore calf and thigh muscles also sure have one. come home smelly smelly, OF COURSE LA! but i think let's look beyond all this stuff, and really treasure the small moments of solitude we had with God, with ourselves and with each other. it's really awesome to see you guys talking and mingling even without the leaders (HMPH! RACHEL AND I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR CONVO LA! HAHHAHA. DO I MAKE US SOUND DESPERATE?)

- but yea, can i safely say you guys had a smashing time just as i had?
- please sound out to rachel/ i if there were any problems that needed fixing or even improvements! that's how we all learn from each other ya?

awesome time spent overnight.
simply awesome.

i was thinking,

does free will destroy mutuality?

ok, fine.

does free will affect mutuality?

it's been two years since i received my a level results
it's been two years since i felt utterly defeated
it's been two years since i fell to my knees
it's been two years since i last cried

but it's also been two years of growing,
albeit with much pain.

two years on, and here i am:
two years on, not knowing how my past affected today
two years on, i've bounced back from defeat
two years on, i've grown stronger; matured

and i remember still, everything i went through
.
i've tasted the goodness of the Lord
i've seen the faithfulness of the Lord
i've felt the comforting hand of the Lord

ultimately who i am today...
i thank God.

from The Straits Times, Life section
Thursday, February 26 2009, Page C3
"When choir boys 'lose' their voice"

this was what a St Thomas Boys Choir boy had to say of his experience in choir - "He said: 'Being in the choir demands so much work, but you do get something out of it. It's a special feeling when you sing Bach and feel the history and tradition behind the choir." (italics mine)

somehow, i felt i could relate to that statement
& i wonder how many choristers out there can too
the joys of singing are truly inexplicable.

finally, for once a non-emo entry; or at least i think it not to be. so, i was performing at a choir concert today with chorale, alongside the college choir and the more i looked at these mainly eighteen year-old adolescents running everywhere, not to mention a hell lot of noise, i really couldn't help but remember my frivolous youth.

ah, yes. the days we used to sing on the bus whilst on the way to the community centre for extra practices. the countless dinners our batch would always go for after every practice; after every thrice-weekly practice. it was nostalgic to be back in the same place where my batch probably staged her first public performance all on our own.

seeing the girls in their white gowns, with their hair tied up neatly with a matching white ribbon and the guys in their smart black suit with striking red tie, it was those wild days that i was remembered.

a junior was concerned with his batch, and my answer was this: every batch is different. but no matter the differences we may have within ourselves and with our seniors, as long as we work hard and work together, legacies can be left behind; footprints can be left behind. my batch did well, and i'm proud of our accomplishments. we overcame the odds to become who we are today, and look at where we are now. united. bonded. together. ultimately, friends.

so to the juniors i have this to say,
enjoy your years in vjc.
enjoy your years in vjchoir.
cause honestly, two years is not much
look back on the days you create today
and be satisfied.

i know i am.

The Equation

1 + 1 = 2

that's what they always say, don't they?

that's what we've been taught all along, haven't we?

all this while, all we've ever thought about was the '1' in the equation. what the numbers on the 'left side of the equal sign' are are all we ever think about, or at least that's what we've been learning all along - how it affects the equation; how it affects the 'right side of the equal sign'; how it affects the End.

but haven't we been selfish in forgetting about the '2'? have we thought whether it has even wanted to Be in the equation?

is it wrong for one to keep giving and giving and desire for an expected result? sure we do. we're the '1's aren't we?

after all i've gone through, i apologise for not thinking about how you felt. how it feels to be '2', how you probably felt you never wanted to be in the equation at all. how this equation finally ended nullified; how it ended void; how it ended up being a ZERO.

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements;

even if it leads nowhere.

it Would be a waste, even if i knew my place

should i leave it there?

i answer, yes. i should.

i guess that's probably the reason why i'm remaining passive about certain things. sure enough, i don't close myself to the world, but that doesn't give me any more of a reason to be seeking actively.

but i won't even ask you to stay. in spite of saying that, this i must say - there's something about you that keeps me going on, and i'm not even sorry about it.

i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

& i thought being strong meant never losing your self-control

but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

tonight i wanna cry.

maybe keith was right along.

they say people grow with time

inevitably, they change too

the times spent in classic togetherness

now seems distant, almost a memory

we can never go back to those times

or can we?

expectations are wings that help us to soar

but they can also be weights that pull us down

together we came into this world

but look at you! you've grown so tall

i've forgotten how you were

only the memories remain

and after all this while i ask myself

do i really know you?

then again,

do you really know me?

Dear Mother,

It's been 5 years since I left home. Please don't worry mother, I really am well. But 5 years is really an awfully long time and all this while I've been missing you however cicumstances have prevented me from returning.

All this while I have been doing well in the things assigned to me. I have washed my dishes, cleaned up after myself; I've been independent and independance was something you taught me in my formative years. Do you remember? Maybe not; because it was second nature to you - it was a mother's instinct.

Do you remember the days you scolded us for our long fringes? Or maybe for our socks not being above the ankle? Ah yes, I still remember the times we had to stand in the sun just so one of us would own up to his mistakes. But amidst all the punishments, you instilled in us a strong character - one which is able to stand the tests of time. Of course with bad times, there were always your light-hearted moments. You allowed us to leave home early just so we could boast to others of how well our older brothers did in their examinations. (But honestly, none of us really did that. HA!) There were the times we would just stay at home and kick some things (they really didn't have to be balls you know... I know it's still quite a mystery) And then there were the times when we would just cheer with all our might for your glory and your honour and for the pride you instilled in us all these years.

Oh they were all such good memories!

And here I am, back home; back to where it all started 5 years ago. I said this when I left home that year but I have never understood its significance, let alone grasp the fullness and abundance of it. But now, here I am, two weeks being at home and I can now understand just a glimpse, a fraction of its significance. Nonetheless I would say it again:

We do not return to you Mother,
For we have never really left.

Nil Sine Labore,

Darren

Treasures in Jars of Clay

in a plethora of convlusive mind action

sometimes a friend's voice is not one

you would liked to hear, no.

not even a close friend's voice.

cast the phone into the heap of rubbish

on your table as presented to the world

and cup your head in your hands.

yes my dear, cry.

tears start to well up in your eyes

and you suddenly think you're staging this

no my child, the lights will dim

you are precisely who you are.

so in that plethora of convulsive mind action

you cup your head in your hands

and you cry. oh, you cry!

you realise who you really are

and who I really am.

saying YES to everything doesn't solve everything
but it does make the people around you happy.

question is,
does it make You happy?

you feel that everything is about the people around you
and nothing, almost nothing is about yourself

you feel empty and depleted,
wasted, alone and weak. oh, so weak.

and then there is silence
just. sheer silence.

The Lord is good and just simply AWESOME.

i recently just came back from a church camp that lasted from tuesday to thursday, following that i was to perform with the college choir at the world choral youth festival on friday and then to sing at John's wedding on saturday. so i was feeling really skeptical about myself being not able to lose my voice, let alone make it hoarse. and so in times like this what do we all do? PRAY. and so i did. i prayed that as i give my all during the camp, God will sustain my voice and not just that cause it to be in tip-top condition for the two events following the camp.

sure enough even during the camp itself when in the day i, like all the other leaders were, had to scream and shout and do whatever we can to get the kids' attention. it was insane especially when you're dealing with kids that age. they can run all around the place, make a whole lot of noise but thank God they were controllable; not some wild horse running frantically round the green field looking for a nice tuft of grass to feed on. okay, i'm digressing; but you get the point. obviously towards the end of every day, my voice was weak; it was tired. but yet every morning when i wake up, truly the mercies of God are new every morning; i never fail to realise that i still have my voice, and more than that i'm able to speak naturally as if i've never used it before. sure the voice was tired, but you can still feel the strength in the voice. and i believe that strength came from the Lord.

it was only the second night that i received this blessed assurance that my voice would be sustained and so the next morning i acted out in faith. i did what i needed to do and boy oh boy, i was starting to lose it. i slept that night, woke up on friday morning and my voice was so tired i kept thinking that i was speaking at some tone higher than my usual speaking voice. and then the performance neared. during sound check, it was terrible. i couldn't hit the high notes with that resonance and placement causing the notes to be uber flat, coupled with the fact that my breath control wasn't good, any chorister would tell you that'd be a disaster.

but Praise God! we had dinner after that, warmed up again, sang a few old songs together and by performance time, i was singing so freely. there was the resonance. there was this focus. there was some breath control. it was good.

of course the camp wasn't just about this, there are so many other things that happened and what i saw in the camp that i can talk about! but this particular one is something personal, something that meant so much to me and the Lord has blessed me so much. truly the work we do in the Lord shall never be in vain, for His promises are YES and AMEN.

to God be the Glory forever and ever,

AMEN.

DIvision Retreat 2008

i don't normally post my emo posts online but this one is an exception because this is dedicated specially to my cell group: HOTBULBS and the division.

firstly to my dearest and most beloved cell. whatever i shared with you guys on the last night - that 'speech' really came from the bottom of my heart and i meant every word i said. i know sometimes i repeat things but the fact remains - I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS DO IT, BUT YOU GUYS JUST ROCK. goodness, that sounded like it just came from a secondary school kid, but honestly i don't know how else better to put it. you guys honestly rock and throughout the four night spent with you guys i've learnt so much about you through all that sharing and screaming and shouting and bridging and german-bridging and phototaking and ... the list goes on.... and i realised yet another thing. that the moment you guys left the house was the moment i started missing you guys already. and now that the retreat is over and done with, all i want to do now is to just talk and see you guys again. fellowship and talk and bridge and mahjong (welcome to the club!). and that's precisely how i feel now that it's over and you guys are back home and then just when i want to call or sms you guys, i realise that my phone's not with me. you guys brought me so much joy and laughter that i could forget about the loss of the phone. and i guess it's really because of the company, one that i can never find anywhere else in my life, that made this all worthwhile. i take comfort in the Word where Paul wrote in 1 Cor 15: 58, "Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LABOUR IN THE LORD IS NOT IN VAIN". seeing you guys grow in Christ really have made it ALL worthwhile.

to my fellow leaders - Rachel, Lynn, Salome, Lewis and Gregory, THANKS for making this retreat a successful one despite the tight planning schedule. take comfort in Paul's words as written above! let's all have the holy expectation of seeing our cells grow even Further in and with Christ! i hope the retreat have started something new in your cell, whether it has rejuvenated it or revived it or encouraged it or strengthened it, let us continue to strive for excellence for we do it ALL FOR CHRIST. let us also continue to support one another in ministry and prayer, keeping one another in our thoughts and prayers! david and wilbur, WE MISS YOU!

.

to the division and everyone else, thanks for your attendance and participation because really without you all, not only will this retreat be doomed to failure, the division would fall too! thanks to all who have made this a reality! and last but not least, TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.