Blessed Christmas 2009

it's been quite a while since i last said something here and much have happened during this period. i wouldn't bother to retell my experiences here since it would be absolutely pointless and completely ludicrous to do so.

we're only a few minutes from Christmas, the day the world celebrates the season of giving and also the day Christ our Saviour is born. as i've mentioned earlier, much have happened over these few weeks of mad rush. i've wanted some peace of mind so badly during that hectic moments and now i've got it. strangely, i get this peace on the eve of Christmas. when i'm supposed to feel all fuzzy and warm inside, instead i get all peaceful, perhaps even to the point of feeling well, almost lonely.

reading the news these days, there has been snowstorms all over europe and eastern usa. i suppose what's missing this Christmas is the warmth and fuzzy feeling derived from loved ones and friends, in the midst of a cold snowstorm of life.

Happy Birthday Jesus :)

WOAH. The last time I wrote in here was what, a month ago? That's ludicrous. At this point if I were to apologise to my readers or worse, to my blog for 'neglecting' them/ it, I'd be insane. So in order to protect my sanity, I wouldn't.

In this past one month, much has taken place. Not just random hall activities, but also the consistant and constant mugging in the j-room. Urgh. Just Andrew, Ming En, Sheree and I in the room studying our asses off. Of course, in the case of Ming En, she's just perpetually counting and re-counting tee-shirt orders. But oh well, these people are my study buddies. (Come to think of it, I'm wondering what'd be going through my dense brain when I read this ten, twenty years down the road. Worse yet, what will my sons and grandsons think of me?)

So as I was saying the exams are over, well, since last Tuesday that is. It was no easy feat considering that my first day of exams saw me going to two different examination halls for two seperate content-heavy papers - LIT and 103. Urgh. By the time the day ended, my hand literally went limp. Urgh. When I reached back to my room, I was so tired I told myself I'd just chill on facebook then go straight to bed before hitting the books again the next day. But no, Clara messaged me online saying Great-grandaunt passed away the noon before. Naturally, I was shocked. I wasn't particularly close to her, but still I missed her company, especially the times when all of us would gather at her place to celebrate her birthdays. Oh yes, those were memorable times. But now, she's gone, thankfully to be with the Lord.

And all that happened two weeks ago. Fast forward to last week, I finished my paper on tuesday with 102. After which, I went home to prep myself up for the Amazing(race) Camp. Since that day, I haven't had a good night's rest. Always up in the morning just to get to some strange place, hoping that I could catch a quick shut-eye on the transport to and fro the place. That hope never really did come to pass. I remained awake for much of the journey, but then again, oh well. The fatigue's setting in now, thankfully after Church.

Everything above has been said and done.

Rather it is the life with you that my mind dwells upon

A memory. A distant memory. A recollection of events.

I need to re-evaluate all of that has transpired.

By then I fear I'd cringe at the outcome,

Or be in awe of His goodness and providence.

But really by then, I wonder where you'll even be?

i want to sleep, no. i need to sleep. but yet i cannot. i cannot dream if this 'nightmarish' reality does not pass from me. i cannot shut my eyes nor ears nor mind, let alone dream of fluffy cotton-like dreams.

i long for the bed, no. i pine for the bed. but yet i cannot. i cannot lay my heavy head down until i return to my room. i cannot leave nor walk from where i am because strangely, something is tying me down.

ah yes, the knife is here. it has cut me loose.

and off i fly to my bed-portal into the world of cotton fluffs and candy canes.

perhaps one of the saddest text i've ever read

"He rushed beyond the barrier and called to her to follow. He was shouted at to go on but he still called to her. She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal. Her eyes gave him no sign of love or farewell or recognition."

(Eveline by James Joyce)

ah yes, so I'm finally posting something here after a pretty long hiatus. As of date, I've finished all my sociology essays/assignments and am currently working on my lit and writing essay/assignment. Okay, enough of that bull-crap. (Honestly, who cares about what I've been busy with. You?)

-urgh.

I just want you to know I'm here for you.

mm, it's that simple I guess...

i just walked out of my literature lecture today feeling some sense of emptiness. It left me wondering why. Perhaps it was the film Persona that left me pretty speechless, both in a good and bad way. Or maybe it's because I'm getting jaded from school and the system. Perhaps it is the fatigue that has accompanied me since Monday. Perhaps . . . Perhaps . . . Perhaps . . .

I've never liked the concept of the unknown. Or worse yet, the concept of what could have been. Come to think of it, the worst is possible the concept of what should have been.

ah, yes. the process of rationalisation has kept me sane. That broke my train of irrationality and emo-ness.

Think rational dude, that's the only way to keep sane.

Singapore's Strange Logic

Yesterday evening I went to a friend's place at Serangoon for Bible Study. To get there, I had to exit at the station on the Circle Line. Serangoon having 2 'different' stations situated on different train routes were linked via a short linkway. It was at this linkway, that I noticed the strangest logic of Singaporeans.

In this linkway, there is a travellator which technically is supposed to aid in the movement of mass blocks of people especially during the rush hour. What was strange and ironical here was the massive jam caused at the entrance to the travellator. People queued just to get onto the moving piece of steel instead of walking down the gently sloped floor. Goodness, people were that lazy to even walk down as opposed to walking up. And there weren't even stairs; it was simply a gently sloped floor.

I admit, I was one of the lazy ones.

So on the travellator, I was quite surprised to see a line of people standing to their left creating this nice passageway for people rushing to board the train over at the Circle Line. Within seconds since I 'boarded' the moving steel, I saw people walking down the right lane. I turned around and there I saw, hardly anyone standing static and holding the handrails as the law requires them to do. Everybody was brisk walking down the runway. It was past 7pm and the Little Nonya has finished its run already, so why the rush? Is Singapore literally a fast-paced society?

I admit, I joined in the fray - wanted to know what was it like to blend in with the crowd and not stick out like a sore thumb. The feeling of keeping up with the pace, since there were people less than an arm's length away from me, was pretty exhilarating. I don't believe I'm actually saying this, but I think I was somewhat stressed; Or at least, I was pressured.

What was even more strange here was that in all that relatively mad rush, as opposed to the calm state of those who choose to abide by the law and hold the handrail, they suddenly stopped. And it wasn't as if the travellator was coming to its end. No, there was at least still a good fifteen to twenty metres away from its destination, when the whole chunk of us stopped in our tracks. I could not see what was blocking us from moving. Even if it was a pram or a wheelchair, surely there would be ample room for us to stream in a line past them in the express right lane?

It was the strangest logic of Singaporeans I thought to myself. A mad rush for something and at the most inappropriate times, even if it was minutes from reaching/ attaininment, we somehow stop and rest. Shouldn't we press on further and finish whatever we need to complete?

This is the country I've lived in.

And this country bewilders me at times.

Singapore's Strange Logic.

Our Strange, Unique Logic.

I was reading the news article concerning parents up in arms over the recent PSLE mathematics paper, and my only response to that article was... "GET USED TO IT."

It brings back memories of My year's PSLE mathematics paper which had parents up in arms as well (seems like parents love that little arm exercise just to lambast the state eh). If I'm not mistaken, my year was the first year the paper was too difficult for the students to handle. Then again, if you look at it from the state's perspectives, my batch was the much-talked-about '88 Dragon batch so perhaps the rationale for the high level of difficulty was to do an easier streaming process.

(brings back thoughts of inequality, but that's another topic altogether)

Back to this year's paper, hey face it. There's the use of a calculator, parents should have obviously known that the standard would at least be slightly harder considering that the child now can use an additional calculative brain, so to speak, to aid him/her in the exams. DUH, the paper would be difficult. SO GET USED TO IT.

.

Besides, it's not as if this is the first time such a "arm-raising" exercise has happened over a PSLE paper. Come to think of it, it's JUST the PSLE paper; there's a whole road of opportunities for any child after those 4 papers. And with all the new schemes coming up, even if you go to a Normal (Academic) Stream, do well enough prove your worth and get promoted to the Express Stream. Same thing for the Normal (Technical) kids. Back in my time, there wasn't anything like that. So make full use of it for goodness sake.

(brings back thoughts of meritocracy and pragmatism)

Besides, parents ought to remember that at the PSLE or whatever national exam it may be, there's always moderation. There's the elusive bell-curve. So it doesn't matter if you get 50% cause if you're the top of your cohort, then hey you get your A* (goodness, even this term sounds ancient to me). SO PARENTS: TAKE A CHILL PILL MAN! HAVE SOME CONFIDENCE IN YOUR KIDS. STOP PROTECTING THEM >> THEY GOTTA LEARN HOW TO SURVIVE IN THIS HARSH SINGAPORE ACADEMIC LANDSCAPE.

(brings back thoughts of inequality & meritocracy again)

Urgh, Sociology's screwing my brain.

woots! my God is faithful and true.

what a promise that is!

I managed to complete my literature essay as well as two presentations this week so that means... WORK FOR THIS WEEK IS CLEARED! shiok. To think that I only worked on my literature paper last night, and to have it finished by this afternoon just before tutorial started, That is a testimony of His grace and providence. I thought I gave my best shot for the lit essay, considering that I've never taken lit before and for that matter, also considering my busy schedules.

I serve an Amazing God.

God's been good, so good.

This morning, I had my group presentation on education and class. It went fantastic. A classmate commented I gave the impression that I wanted to speak so badly since the recess week just from my opening line. I say, it's the Lord who gave me those words.

Then I started to think about my personality traits as suggested from the DISC-survey which we did during the JCRC retreat. In fact I did a bit of future planning this morning whilst in the shower. "What exactly did I want to be in the future/ What were my career options or aspirations?" Questions like these rushed through my head. (I noticed I'm starting to sound strange with all this talk, but hey it did happen, and perhaps just perhaps, I am strange). I thought of friend who did the same survey as I did, and considered his career aspirations (since he had candidly shared with me once) for him. I believe he will do awesome in that aspired career. What about me, then?

Full time ministry did not cross my mind then, in fact it was the History Channel one that I was thinking about (not that I want that job, but it's just a thought that my long-time friend currently working in America put in my head). Often, I've told myself that I never wanted to stay in Singapore in the first place; if ever given the chance to work overseas, I will pack and leave. After all, the only things holding me grounded here is my family and kids.

Come to think of it, I recall last sunday's sermon about God using the little things that we have and makes them big, and worthy for His use. No small thing is too small for God nor big thing too big for God, He is more than able to bring me through this week, and the coming years ahead.

.

Where God leads, I will go.

(but I do hope it's overseas)

when has chatting on facebook been a sin?

friends out there, don't be strange.

I know I should really be sleeping, but I had to blog about this.

Today, for the first time ever (I believe), all 8 leaders were present for dinner! I must commend everyone for taking time off their busy schedules to make it for this dinner. (I sound like I'm the DL - sorry Greg - but hey I'm just simply thrilled to see everybody present at the table) It's not like common at all for us to gather in this manner, I mean even support group has a relatively poorer attendance rate compared to tonight's dinner turnout. So, well done ya'll.

On a seperate note, I decided to walk from the interchange back home. And as always, I started to talk to myself. I'm strange I know, but paradoxically I think by doing so I keep myself level-headed, perhaps even sane. Things started to fall into its rightful places and priorities were both strengthened and fixated. I know where I should stand on certain issues, and I now have the faith to believe that God will see me through.

I never thought much about where our journey will lead us to, and after tonight I realise I shouldn't even be thinking about it. We're just partners, distinctly seperated, walking down the same road, enjoying each other's company. I don't want to know, neither do I need to know where and when that road will take us to. But what I do know is that such company is hard to come by and I hope you'd treasure it as much as I do. We are after all, two (happy?) partners whose journeys have seemed to cross and perhaps merge.

With that, I shall end here and go straight to bed.

in a span of one week or so, here's what i have to conquer:

1) 2 Presentations (One group, One Pair)

2) 2 Essays (1 Lit-poetry essay, 1 SOC-SGP essay)

in that same span of one week, here's what i have in store:

1) Cousin's Wedding

2) JCRC Retreat, which for some reason lasts 3 days

3) Tuition, which would probably take 3 days as well

4) CATCH-UP ON READINGS

one recess week in varsity is equivalent to 20 mins of recess in primary school, where 5 mins is spent on buying the food and 15 mins playing ice-and-water in the carpark.

I CANNOT spend my recess week like that.

it needs to be productive,

it got to be productive,

it better be productive.

I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!

you know you bring _______ to me (my life)

anyone can insert anything in that blank

then again, not everyone will

question is, will you?

i just want to say,

you've been a fantastic friend all these while. so take care kiddo; do find courage and solace in the Lord. you know you're not alone because you've got this pal watching your back, praying for you, and always ready to listen and comfort and support and encourage.

be strong my brother.

In His Most Amazing Love,

Darren.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall."

(Psalms 55:22)

it has been one hell of a day(ride) today.

it started off with a beautiful blessed and joyous win at the Amazing Art Find which was a Singapore Art Show event based upon the concept of the Amazing Race but based in and on the context of the local sculpture scene. we arrived third in position for the race itself but the resutls of the race was based on not just our time score but also the accuracy of our answers. and honestly we -darel, muzz and myself- thought we wouldn't win because the third prize was won by a group which didn't come in after us, aka fourth. so when the result for the second prize was read out that we won, duh we shouted. ha. what a shock win!

i came home from the race, bathed and within an hour was out again only to find myself in sam's house to celebrate wilbur's birthday. it was here where i was able to finally have the chance to sit down and have a good talk with mark - something we haven't done in a long while. it was fantastic to have been able to talk so freely, well relatively, despite the long break in our correspondance. but it got me thinking of certain things on my way back home.

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about a relationship?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about my career?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm simply baring my heart out, even to strangers?

i think the topic of masculinity has been a troubling issue for many boys, myself included? what makes one a man? definitely not the genitalia because essentially we are all equal in that aspect. so what else makes a man well, male? a muscular body size perhaps? or maybe assertive leadership skills? good complexion? or possibly the use of profanities? i think the list goes on. but suffice to say, i think boy youths are simply unsure of themselves. they lack confidence simply because there is no one person that they can emulate. in fact, there are many as the media portrays them to be. rich, famous, good looking, tall, dark, muscular, witty, these are just some of the attributes of these 'role models'. but honestly who can ever meet those criterion without any form of physical intervention (ie. plastic surgery or protein shakes)? credit to those who actually are blessed with all those traits, but in reality hardly any boy youth would be able to feel adequate. there is a feeling of inadequacy, a void that desperately needs to be filled, with something i do not know of. it is this inadequacy that causes boy youths, even men to find solace in each other to reaffirm their masculinity.

.

but then again, we ask the question: what if solace cannot be found, then what would happen to our boys and our men? it is still a technical question founded on emotions that i'm grappling with. that doesn't make me less of a man, or for that matter less of a male. in fact, i think it makes me more of a male - the ability to think for oneself and not be conformed to the social patterns of this world.

ah, sociology has effectively screwed my mind.

i'm supposed to be studying (reading) actually. but strangely enough i'm here, at the keyboard. somehow, there seems to be a mismatch of my current state of mind with my surroundings. the fatigue birthed from last sunday is beginning to take its full form but i'm here, at the keyboard, in school. i feel weak. no, not spiritually but physically weak and i know i need sleep. but there's a pressing need to read (study) that somehow i feel almost compelled to listen to the inner mugger. and so i will but i shall start with tomorrow. oh, if you know me well enough you'd know i'd do it - the ability to sit at the desk with no apparent entertainment and study for a straight 6 hours. i've done it before, 8 hours actually to be exact, and i could do it again. but to do that, i'd need ample rest, and sleep. urgh, i shouldn't have done my laundry with sam. cause that'd mean i'd have to wait at least three-quarters an hour before i can even sleep. however, in the face of all these heavy chains and shackles, i will 'look up' towards high heavens for my 'redemption draweths nigh'.

He is faithful and

He will be faithful because

He is my God and

He is GOD.

finally, the long run and the wait is over.

it started on a sunday afternoon and ended this morning, 2.30am to be exact. on hindsight now, i realised how insane the schedule had been for me. sleeping at around 2am every night/morning and waking up the next day at 8 was not an easy task. no, definitely not. many times i had to overcome my fatigue to literally drag my feet out of bed and then gravity does the work of getting my thin heavy body out from the sheets. come to think of it despite the fatigue in the morning, i always tend to end the day with at least some strength. i can only ascribe this gift of strength to the Lord who has so freely given it to me. indeed, He has been found faithful in my circumstances. i listened to 'Unfailing God' by New Life Worship and couldn't help but be amazed at the truth of it all. that the Lord does not fail us even in times of our desperation and need.

honestly speaking, i don't even know whether i'm making sense in that paragraph. the lack of sleep is getting to my eyes and head. but i need to study. i have to study. it's not a choice, it's a responsibility.

"You are unfailing God

Your love's unending

and Your Word is eternal-

firm in the heavens it stands"

i'm sitting in the library, staring into blank space. well not exactly blank space - i've got the computer screen to look at. people walk by me; people talk around me. there is an unusual calmness inside of me; there is an unusual level of noise for a library. and then i try to think ahead of what is to come tonight at the elections. strangely enough, i'm not thinking much. my mind draws a blank. i've been at this library for the past one hour, photocopying readings and printing notes from the net. a preoccupation perhaps? a responsibility maybe? i'm starting to realise the breath of being a varsity student. thinning out my efforts and work across my academic studies. oh the phone rings.

let's talk later.

sometimes i do wonder what in the world do i do certain things for. such a thought passed through my head as i was walking down the pavements just along Liang Court. i was there for a school function; rather, a school social event. an event which featured the strangest things you see on your screen coming to life. think a bit harder, and perhaps filthier and you're somewhere there. to most, it seems normal. honestly, there were times i enjoyed myself, revelling in the fun of it all. but on the hindsight, i wondered to myself: what in the world was i doing. then i started to imagine the impression or response of what my lecturer would call a 'generalized other' or 'significant other' may have on me. is this merely a sociology lecture lesson put into practice? Could Cooley or Mead have been right all along about the Looking Glass Self theory? but all this academic talk aside, what mattered most to me was really the impression and/or response this 'significant generalized other' would have/act towards me.

would you smile at this information, or

would you frown at it? or maybe

would you be completely neutral?

i probably knew the answer to that question

but somehow, somewhere, someday i'm hoping

just hoping that my imagined judgement

would be completely wrong.