woots! my God is faithful and true.

what a promise that is!

I managed to complete my literature essay as well as two presentations this week so that means... WORK FOR THIS WEEK IS CLEARED! shiok. To think that I only worked on my literature paper last night, and to have it finished by this afternoon just before tutorial started, That is a testimony of His grace and providence. I thought I gave my best shot for the lit essay, considering that I've never taken lit before and for that matter, also considering my busy schedules.

I serve an Amazing God.

God's been good, so good.

This morning, I had my group presentation on education and class. It went fantastic. A classmate commented I gave the impression that I wanted to speak so badly since the recess week just from my opening line. I say, it's the Lord who gave me those words.

Then I started to think about my personality traits as suggested from the DISC-survey which we did during the JCRC retreat. In fact I did a bit of future planning this morning whilst in the shower. "What exactly did I want to be in the future/ What were my career options or aspirations?" Questions like these rushed through my head. (I noticed I'm starting to sound strange with all this talk, but hey it did happen, and perhaps just perhaps, I am strange). I thought of friend who did the same survey as I did, and considered his career aspirations (since he had candidly shared with me once) for him. I believe he will do awesome in that aspired career. What about me, then?

Full time ministry did not cross my mind then, in fact it was the History Channel one that I was thinking about (not that I want that job, but it's just a thought that my long-time friend currently working in America put in my head). Often, I've told myself that I never wanted to stay in Singapore in the first place; if ever given the chance to work overseas, I will pack and leave. After all, the only things holding me grounded here is my family and kids.

Come to think of it, I recall last sunday's sermon about God using the little things that we have and makes them big, and worthy for His use. No small thing is too small for God nor big thing too big for God, He is more than able to bring me through this week, and the coming years ahead.

.

Where God leads, I will go.

(but I do hope it's overseas)

when has chatting on facebook been a sin?

friends out there, don't be strange.

I know I should really be sleeping, but I had to blog about this.

Today, for the first time ever (I believe), all 8 leaders were present for dinner! I must commend everyone for taking time off their busy schedules to make it for this dinner. (I sound like I'm the DL - sorry Greg - but hey I'm just simply thrilled to see everybody present at the table) It's not like common at all for us to gather in this manner, I mean even support group has a relatively poorer attendance rate compared to tonight's dinner turnout. So, well done ya'll.

On a seperate note, I decided to walk from the interchange back home. And as always, I started to talk to myself. I'm strange I know, but paradoxically I think by doing so I keep myself level-headed, perhaps even sane. Things started to fall into its rightful places and priorities were both strengthened and fixated. I know where I should stand on certain issues, and I now have the faith to believe that God will see me through.

I never thought much about where our journey will lead us to, and after tonight I realise I shouldn't even be thinking about it. We're just partners, distinctly seperated, walking down the same road, enjoying each other's company. I don't want to know, neither do I need to know where and when that road will take us to. But what I do know is that such company is hard to come by and I hope you'd treasure it as much as I do. We are after all, two (happy?) partners whose journeys have seemed to cross and perhaps merge.

With that, I shall end here and go straight to bed.

in a span of one week or so, here's what i have to conquer:

1) 2 Presentations (One group, One Pair)

2) 2 Essays (1 Lit-poetry essay, 1 SOC-SGP essay)

in that same span of one week, here's what i have in store:

1) Cousin's Wedding

2) JCRC Retreat, which for some reason lasts 3 days

3) Tuition, which would probably take 3 days as well

4) CATCH-UP ON READINGS

one recess week in varsity is equivalent to 20 mins of recess in primary school, where 5 mins is spent on buying the food and 15 mins playing ice-and-water in the carpark.

I CANNOT spend my recess week like that.

it needs to be productive,

it got to be productive,

it better be productive.

I WILL BE PRODUCTIVE!

you know you bring _______ to me (my life)

anyone can insert anything in that blank

then again, not everyone will

question is, will you?

i just want to say,

you've been a fantastic friend all these while. so take care kiddo; do find courage and solace in the Lord. you know you're not alone because you've got this pal watching your back, praying for you, and always ready to listen and comfort and support and encourage.

be strong my brother.

In His Most Amazing Love,

Darren.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall."

(Psalms 55:22)

it has been one hell of a day(ride) today.

it started off with a beautiful blessed and joyous win at the Amazing Art Find which was a Singapore Art Show event based upon the concept of the Amazing Race but based in and on the context of the local sculpture scene. we arrived third in position for the race itself but the resutls of the race was based on not just our time score but also the accuracy of our answers. and honestly we -darel, muzz and myself- thought we wouldn't win because the third prize was won by a group which didn't come in after us, aka fourth. so when the result for the second prize was read out that we won, duh we shouted. ha. what a shock win!

i came home from the race, bathed and within an hour was out again only to find myself in sam's house to celebrate wilbur's birthday. it was here where i was able to finally have the chance to sit down and have a good talk with mark - something we haven't done in a long while. it was fantastic to have been able to talk so freely, well relatively, despite the long break in our correspondance. but it got me thinking of certain things on my way back home.

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about a relationship?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm not perpetually thinking about my career?

does it make me less of a man

if i'm simply baring my heart out, even to strangers?

i think the topic of masculinity has been a troubling issue for many boys, myself included? what makes one a man? definitely not the genitalia because essentially we are all equal in that aspect. so what else makes a man well, male? a muscular body size perhaps? or maybe assertive leadership skills? good complexion? or possibly the use of profanities? i think the list goes on. but suffice to say, i think boy youths are simply unsure of themselves. they lack confidence simply because there is no one person that they can emulate. in fact, there are many as the media portrays them to be. rich, famous, good looking, tall, dark, muscular, witty, these are just some of the attributes of these 'role models'. but honestly who can ever meet those criterion without any form of physical intervention (ie. plastic surgery or protein shakes)? credit to those who actually are blessed with all those traits, but in reality hardly any boy youth would be able to feel adequate. there is a feeling of inadequacy, a void that desperately needs to be filled, with something i do not know of. it is this inadequacy that causes boy youths, even men to find solace in each other to reaffirm their masculinity.

.

but then again, we ask the question: what if solace cannot be found, then what would happen to our boys and our men? it is still a technical question founded on emotions that i'm grappling with. that doesn't make me less of a man, or for that matter less of a male. in fact, i think it makes me more of a male - the ability to think for oneself and not be conformed to the social patterns of this world.

ah, sociology has effectively screwed my mind.

i'm supposed to be studying (reading) actually. but strangely enough i'm here, at the keyboard. somehow, there seems to be a mismatch of my current state of mind with my surroundings. the fatigue birthed from last sunday is beginning to take its full form but i'm here, at the keyboard, in school. i feel weak. no, not spiritually but physically weak and i know i need sleep. but there's a pressing need to read (study) that somehow i feel almost compelled to listen to the inner mugger. and so i will but i shall start with tomorrow. oh, if you know me well enough you'd know i'd do it - the ability to sit at the desk with no apparent entertainment and study for a straight 6 hours. i've done it before, 8 hours actually to be exact, and i could do it again. but to do that, i'd need ample rest, and sleep. urgh, i shouldn't have done my laundry with sam. cause that'd mean i'd have to wait at least three-quarters an hour before i can even sleep. however, in the face of all these heavy chains and shackles, i will 'look up' towards high heavens for my 'redemption draweths nigh'.

He is faithful and

He will be faithful because

He is my God and

He is GOD.

finally, the long run and the wait is over.

it started on a sunday afternoon and ended this morning, 2.30am to be exact. on hindsight now, i realised how insane the schedule had been for me. sleeping at around 2am every night/morning and waking up the next day at 8 was not an easy task. no, definitely not. many times i had to overcome my fatigue to literally drag my feet out of bed and then gravity does the work of getting my thin heavy body out from the sheets. come to think of it despite the fatigue in the morning, i always tend to end the day with at least some strength. i can only ascribe this gift of strength to the Lord who has so freely given it to me. indeed, He has been found faithful in my circumstances. i listened to 'Unfailing God' by New Life Worship and couldn't help but be amazed at the truth of it all. that the Lord does not fail us even in times of our desperation and need.

honestly speaking, i don't even know whether i'm making sense in that paragraph. the lack of sleep is getting to my eyes and head. but i need to study. i have to study. it's not a choice, it's a responsibility.

"You are unfailing God

Your love's unending

and Your Word is eternal-

firm in the heavens it stands"

i'm sitting in the library, staring into blank space. well not exactly blank space - i've got the computer screen to look at. people walk by me; people talk around me. there is an unusual calmness inside of me; there is an unusual level of noise for a library. and then i try to think ahead of what is to come tonight at the elections. strangely enough, i'm not thinking much. my mind draws a blank. i've been at this library for the past one hour, photocopying readings and printing notes from the net. a preoccupation perhaps? a responsibility maybe? i'm starting to realise the breath of being a varsity student. thinning out my efforts and work across my academic studies. oh the phone rings.

let's talk later.

sometimes i do wonder what in the world do i do certain things for. such a thought passed through my head as i was walking down the pavements just along Liang Court. i was there for a school function; rather, a school social event. an event which featured the strangest things you see on your screen coming to life. think a bit harder, and perhaps filthier and you're somewhere there. to most, it seems normal. honestly, there were times i enjoyed myself, revelling in the fun of it all. but on the hindsight, i wondered to myself: what in the world was i doing. then i started to imagine the impression or response of what my lecturer would call a 'generalized other' or 'significant other' may have on me. is this merely a sociology lecture lesson put into practice? Could Cooley or Mead have been right all along about the Looking Glass Self theory? but all this academic talk aside, what mattered most to me was really the impression and/or response this 'significant generalized other' would have/act towards me.

would you smile at this information, or

would you frown at it? or maybe

would you be completely neutral?

i probably knew the answer to that question

but somehow, somewhere, someday i'm hoping

just hoping that my imagined judgement

would be completely wrong.

in the mental chaos
in the beginnings of realities
in the face of weakness
in times such as these
all i want is to be in Your Presence
all i want is to be with You
all i want is to be found where you are
and then, my heart will find its rest.

dilemma.

before entering college, i've constantly told myself that i want to do the things that i've never had the guts to do; hence the literature module i'm taking this semester. academics aside, i'm finding it tough to practise what i've been drowning myself in before varsity life even began.

i've always been an avid lover of the performing arts and therefore when given the opportunity to help out as an Event Manager of the arts festival held on campus, i readily signed myself up for it - that's doing something i like to do; not so much as i didn't have the guts to do it before, but rather it's something new and one that i'm passionate about. reason for joining: justified.

and then came the crunch, to run for publications secretary in the hall committee or not. doing publications brings me great great great joy and despite all the hard work and sweat and squinted eyes, there is still joy when you hold that work in your hands for the first time. tough line of work as compared to the other office-holders' responsibilities; relatively, it's a shit job to some. but hey, i like doing it. it's something i love doing. something i'm passionate about. something i believe i have the skills that i can use to contribute to the hall. something i'm always willing to learn from.

if i were to say i never had the guts to do this, i'd be lying... well partially. i was an editor in secondary school once so the job scope honestly doesn't daunt me. in fact it thrills me. and then if i were to say i never had the guts to run and hold rallies and do all that kind of stuff, i'd be lying... again, partially. technically i ran for office in the exco during my days in vjchoir. so all that interviews, and first round shortlist and second round questions and answers, i've been there done that. so question is, what's the big deal?

it becomes a big deal when everything is compounded. ah yes, the balance between work and play comes into question. i wonder if taking on these roles will greatly cause a tilt in the balance and cause a catastrophe in either of the sides.

i want to believe that my Lord will guide me cause i know He is faithful still. but how i wish that i was in the times of Moses where the Lord will lead the Isrealites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. ah, what i need is obvious answers.

no, what i need is the Lord.

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me."

- Proverbs 8:17

it's a strange thing to be in the east aka civilisation a few hours ago and now here i am, overseas in my room at the computer. my readings scream for me to read them, but noooo, i'm here at the keyboard merrily typing away. those few sentences exude sarcasm don't they, and those were the exact thoughts i had on the bus from the station into campus. but now that i'm actually physically In campus and having helped my friend with his angel-mortal nonsensical stuff, which by the way was pretty cool despite making my own efforts seem measly, school's kind of.. fun.

strangely enough as far as i can remember, i felt like crap when i left school on friday evening simply because i had to leave school. but now coming back into school seemed like a pain, a drag nearly. and now that i'm actually in school, it seems somewhat normal. no, i'm actually ready to take on a new week of academic life.

i can't believe i just said that. a week of academic life.

Academic life.

it's a beautiful thing to be in university. strangely enough a few weeks back i was doubtful possibly to the point of being terrified about rejoining the education system. but now it seems as if all's well and things are looking pretty smooth now.

although i must say that varsity life has only just begun. the lectures and tutorials have officially begun but the extra-curricular activities have not. ah, the catch there isn't it. i won't be surprised that in the weeks and months to come when the due dates for the various presentations draws nearer and the random extra activities start to mount up, stress levels rise and tensions, well perhaps they may rise, entries such as this is just going to be less cheerful.

but in the meantime, the Lord has been beautifully faithful as He's always been. i meditated on Psalms 23 on tuesday morning and found such a beauty in the text. sheesh, i'm making it sound like literature; which by the way, i managed to secure a place in a tutorial class where none of the students are english majors - praise God for that provision!

but the Lord IS faithful and always will be.

go read Psalms 23.

there is such beauty there

one that you cannot see

and then you will know that God really cares.

(musings) first week of school

this is/was the third day of school
it is also the third day i'm expected to use my brains
unfortunately, i think i've been using more of my legs
campus is huge especially when you walk from place to place
you start feeling the strain in the calves and thighs
you start perspiring from head to toe
and before you know it,
you're completely exhausted even before lecture begins

and this week is just the first week of school
no tutorials, no random hall work, only random dinners
the stomach's getting full, rather it's getting empty
the helter-skelter of the day makes it grumble
but yet the small snack before lectures tells me not to
only to suffer the consequences after the lectures
on the brighter side, there's always those random suppers
that are bound to make any skinny kid fat as a bee
small, fat, agile yet lethal
ah yes, that's what we ought to aspire to be shouldn't we?

National Day Parade 2009

This is home, truly
Where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me
Where the river always flows

This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home.

suffice to say, this is the first time in two years i've caught the national day parade live on local channels and honestly to have done so, there was somehow some excitement and pride stirred in my heart. having been overseas for a considerable period of time and not having the liberty of returning often to visit my family and close friends, it is pretty obvious where home really is. though i do not fully agree to the lyrics to that song, home is where my roots are and hey This is my roots, This is where i should belong.

watching like-minded Singaporeans waving the national flag proudly be it in their hands or as a car decal, national pride was evoked. somehow listening the the anthem being sung again by Singaporeans all over the land brought about a sense of solidarity and union, one that i never felt in a foreign land. as i have always encouraged and advised my juniors overseas: though the prospect of an overseas posting is both exciting and free, it is always good to know that there is at least one group of Singaporeans that you can find solace in. I have found that; I have found them. but nothing beats returning home.

For this is where I know I'm home.

the reason why harry potter is this famous is simply because it is the embodiment of the teenage life- fantasy, magic, love, chivalry and yes, frivolity

i miss my frivolous life.

FINALLY AN UPDATE! (i'm sick too)

you must probably be thinking, finally! darren posts something new on his blog. Finally! well, yea. i realised i haven't been writing in here since may partially because of the busy and hectic schedules and demands of work.

june has been one crazy month of activities in Speedlight. there was the leaders retreat cum camp leaders retreat that we organised the week immediately before the camp itself. that in all, was a huge killer to the mental state. you can possibly say it was then that i started to be sleep-deprived. oh well, then recently we just concluded the Light The Way project which was yet another mega project undertaken by the department. i had to help out, i just had to. couldn't just sit around, or worse leave before this project was concluded cause there are only like 5 full-time staff in the department? so yea, that took up some time too.

and guess what? i'm sick.

yea. sick. terrible feeling. i haven't fell sick since God knows when, so when this bout of viral infection (or as i was told by the doctor) came around, i kinda forgot how it was like to be sick. coughing around, feeling dizzy, loss of appetite, yadayadayada that sorta thing. BUT it was terrible on the first day (i'm somehow making this sound as if i'm having my first cramps or something eh?)

i could literally feel myself getting warmer and warmer and then i was hot all over in the morning just before i woke up. i thought it was just the air-con cause the day before that i started to develop a sore throat. i didn't think much of it then, cause i thought i just overworked my voice during sunday services. and i didn't think much of the "hotness", bathed and did the usual and then went to work. uh-uh, wrong move darren. back in the office i was so cold even though the air con above me was turned off and the one behind me was set at 25 degrees. who in the world gets cold at 25 degrees? and it was kinda strange too. my right hand was freezing icy cold but my left hand was warm, cause it was around my neck. ha. a quick check of my temperature revealed i had a slight fever. so just not to infect anyone else, i put on that facial bra. aih, it's not very comfortable really especially if you're wearing spectacles cause the hot air will rise and fog up your lenses.

oh well, i decided to take half day to go back see a doc and go home and sleep. doc said it was a viral infection, but the thing that made me happy was the speed at which the whole process took: 1 hour! ha, normally i would never see the doc in less than 2hours. so this was a good surprise, gave me a good idea too. heh. so on the way home, as i was climbing the overhead bridge, i was so dizzy i thought i had bit too much of a drink. terrible feeling. the moment i got back, i slept on the couch and didn't wake up till the night. i couldn't even eat properly. aih. but that was then.

i'm recovering now, so i've got that to Thank God for. but there's still this chunk of phlegm in my chest that i'm still trying to expel. have got some medicine for it, but i don't remember whether the drugs' supposed to dissolve it or to help me expel it.

hmmm, i'm still clueless about all this. if i'm not well by tomorrow, the phlegm too, i'm not going for hss camp. besides i'm still feeling random bouts of dizziness. scary eh. heck la.