in the mental chaos
in the beginnings of realities
in the face of weakness
in times such as these
all i want is to be in Your Presence
all i want is to be with You
all i want is to be found where you are
and then, my heart will find its rest.

dilemma.

before entering college, i've constantly told myself that i want to do the things that i've never had the guts to do; hence the literature module i'm taking this semester. academics aside, i'm finding it tough to practise what i've been drowning myself in before varsity life even began.

i've always been an avid lover of the performing arts and therefore when given the opportunity to help out as an Event Manager of the arts festival held on campus, i readily signed myself up for it - that's doing something i like to do; not so much as i didn't have the guts to do it before, but rather it's something new and one that i'm passionate about. reason for joining: justified.

and then came the crunch, to run for publications secretary in the hall committee or not. doing publications brings me great great great joy and despite all the hard work and sweat and squinted eyes, there is still joy when you hold that work in your hands for the first time. tough line of work as compared to the other office-holders' responsibilities; relatively, it's a shit job to some. but hey, i like doing it. it's something i love doing. something i'm passionate about. something i believe i have the skills that i can use to contribute to the hall. something i'm always willing to learn from.

if i were to say i never had the guts to do this, i'd be lying... well partially. i was an editor in secondary school once so the job scope honestly doesn't daunt me. in fact it thrills me. and then if i were to say i never had the guts to run and hold rallies and do all that kind of stuff, i'd be lying... again, partially. technically i ran for office in the exco during my days in vjchoir. so all that interviews, and first round shortlist and second round questions and answers, i've been there done that. so question is, what's the big deal?

it becomes a big deal when everything is compounded. ah yes, the balance between work and play comes into question. i wonder if taking on these roles will greatly cause a tilt in the balance and cause a catastrophe in either of the sides.

i want to believe that my Lord will guide me cause i know He is faithful still. but how i wish that i was in the times of Moses where the Lord will lead the Isrealites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. ah, what i need is obvious answers.

no, what i need is the Lord.

"I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me."

- Proverbs 8:17

it's a strange thing to be in the east aka civilisation a few hours ago and now here i am, overseas in my room at the computer. my readings scream for me to read them, but noooo, i'm here at the keyboard merrily typing away. those few sentences exude sarcasm don't they, and those were the exact thoughts i had on the bus from the station into campus. but now that i'm actually physically In campus and having helped my friend with his angel-mortal nonsensical stuff, which by the way was pretty cool despite making my own efforts seem measly, school's kind of.. fun.

strangely enough as far as i can remember, i felt like crap when i left school on friday evening simply because i had to leave school. but now coming back into school seemed like a pain, a drag nearly. and now that i'm actually in school, it seems somewhat normal. no, i'm actually ready to take on a new week of academic life.

i can't believe i just said that. a week of academic life.

Academic life.

it's a beautiful thing to be in university. strangely enough a few weeks back i was doubtful possibly to the point of being terrified about rejoining the education system. but now it seems as if all's well and things are looking pretty smooth now.

although i must say that varsity life has only just begun. the lectures and tutorials have officially begun but the extra-curricular activities have not. ah, the catch there isn't it. i won't be surprised that in the weeks and months to come when the due dates for the various presentations draws nearer and the random extra activities start to mount up, stress levels rise and tensions, well perhaps they may rise, entries such as this is just going to be less cheerful.

but in the meantime, the Lord has been beautifully faithful as He's always been. i meditated on Psalms 23 on tuesday morning and found such a beauty in the text. sheesh, i'm making it sound like literature; which by the way, i managed to secure a place in a tutorial class where none of the students are english majors - praise God for that provision!

but the Lord IS faithful and always will be.

go read Psalms 23.

there is such beauty there

one that you cannot see

and then you will know that God really cares.

(musings) first week of school

this is/was the third day of school
it is also the third day i'm expected to use my brains
unfortunately, i think i've been using more of my legs
campus is huge especially when you walk from place to place
you start feeling the strain in the calves and thighs
you start perspiring from head to toe
and before you know it,
you're completely exhausted even before lecture begins

and this week is just the first week of school
no tutorials, no random hall work, only random dinners
the stomach's getting full, rather it's getting empty
the helter-skelter of the day makes it grumble
but yet the small snack before lectures tells me not to
only to suffer the consequences after the lectures
on the brighter side, there's always those random suppers
that are bound to make any skinny kid fat as a bee
small, fat, agile yet lethal
ah yes, that's what we ought to aspire to be shouldn't we?

National Day Parade 2009

This is home, truly
Where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me
Where the river always flows

This is home, surely
As my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone
For this is where I know it's home.

suffice to say, this is the first time in two years i've caught the national day parade live on local channels and honestly to have done so, there was somehow some excitement and pride stirred in my heart. having been overseas for a considerable period of time and not having the liberty of returning often to visit my family and close friends, it is pretty obvious where home really is. though i do not fully agree to the lyrics to that song, home is where my roots are and hey This is my roots, This is where i should belong.

watching like-minded Singaporeans waving the national flag proudly be it in their hands or as a car decal, national pride was evoked. somehow listening the the anthem being sung again by Singaporeans all over the land brought about a sense of solidarity and union, one that i never felt in a foreign land. as i have always encouraged and advised my juniors overseas: though the prospect of an overseas posting is both exciting and free, it is always good to know that there is at least one group of Singaporeans that you can find solace in. I have found that; I have found them. but nothing beats returning home.

For this is where I know I'm home.

the reason why harry potter is this famous is simply because it is the embodiment of the teenage life- fantasy, magic, love, chivalry and yes, frivolity

i miss my frivolous life.

FINALLY AN UPDATE! (i'm sick too)

you must probably be thinking, finally! darren posts something new on his blog. Finally! well, yea. i realised i haven't been writing in here since may partially because of the busy and hectic schedules and demands of work.

june has been one crazy month of activities in Speedlight. there was the leaders retreat cum camp leaders retreat that we organised the week immediately before the camp itself. that in all, was a huge killer to the mental state. you can possibly say it was then that i started to be sleep-deprived. oh well, then recently we just concluded the Light The Way project which was yet another mega project undertaken by the department. i had to help out, i just had to. couldn't just sit around, or worse leave before this project was concluded cause there are only like 5 full-time staff in the department? so yea, that took up some time too.

and guess what? i'm sick.

yea. sick. terrible feeling. i haven't fell sick since God knows when, so when this bout of viral infection (or as i was told by the doctor) came around, i kinda forgot how it was like to be sick. coughing around, feeling dizzy, loss of appetite, yadayadayada that sorta thing. BUT it was terrible on the first day (i'm somehow making this sound as if i'm having my first cramps or something eh?)

i could literally feel myself getting warmer and warmer and then i was hot all over in the morning just before i woke up. i thought it was just the air-con cause the day before that i started to develop a sore throat. i didn't think much of it then, cause i thought i just overworked my voice during sunday services. and i didn't think much of the "hotness", bathed and did the usual and then went to work. uh-uh, wrong move darren. back in the office i was so cold even though the air con above me was turned off and the one behind me was set at 25 degrees. who in the world gets cold at 25 degrees? and it was kinda strange too. my right hand was freezing icy cold but my left hand was warm, cause it was around my neck. ha. a quick check of my temperature revealed i had a slight fever. so just not to infect anyone else, i put on that facial bra. aih, it's not very comfortable really especially if you're wearing spectacles cause the hot air will rise and fog up your lenses.

oh well, i decided to take half day to go back see a doc and go home and sleep. doc said it was a viral infection, but the thing that made me happy was the speed at which the whole process took: 1 hour! ha, normally i would never see the doc in less than 2hours. so this was a good surprise, gave me a good idea too. heh. so on the way home, as i was climbing the overhead bridge, i was so dizzy i thought i had bit too much of a drink. terrible feeling. the moment i got back, i slept on the couch and didn't wake up till the night. i couldn't even eat properly. aih. but that was then.

i'm recovering now, so i've got that to Thank God for. but there's still this chunk of phlegm in my chest that i'm still trying to expel. have got some medicine for it, but i don't remember whether the drugs' supposed to dissolve it or to help me expel it.

hmmm, i'm still clueless about all this. if i'm not well by tomorrow, the phlegm too, i'm not going for hss camp. besides i'm still feeling random bouts of dizziness. scary eh. heck la.

Seasons

there's a season for everything

the fire continues to burn -
yes, it still does burn
but like a fire in summer
and everything starts getting warm,
the flame somehow fizzles out.

a while back ago,
the fire burned -
yes, it burned brightly
just like a fire in winter
and everything seemed so cold; ice
the flame did serve her purpose.

dear friends, it is not that i want to leave; neither have i chosen to leave, for good at least. i don't even ask for your support, but just a friend's understanding just like the ol' days. someone asked me to leave, jokingly i hope, but it hurt. it did. singing the anthem at the concert hall brought memories of our infant years; not much of the years we learnt to walk, surprisingly. nonetheless, they were good memories and please do know, and i pray you'd also understand that i have my reasons for my absence. i will be back, that's not an empty promise. take care folks <3

The Heart And The Thirst For Blood

i recently attended my first ever philharmonic winds concert on sunday evening and i must say, they were better than what i thought them to be. i can't even pride myself to say that i have more than ten band mp3s in my computer, let alone say i know band music well enough to critique this particular band that i watched perform at the esplanade concert hall.

so naturally, darren being darren, i started thinking...

a quick flip through of the concert programmes booklet would reveal much about the latest developments for this band. well suffice to say, they're going overseas for a band clinic, a symposium of sorts i believe. and then i started thinking about how my time both past and present in a choir was. how we, as a choir go overseas once every two years to sing and compete at international competitions. often and fortunately at times we won, and it's natural for choristers to voice their displeasure at the nation's disdain of the arts scene - especially, the choral scene in schools.

more often than not we, i too was involved in the fiasco, always think of ourselves as national representatives which honestly isn't wrong, but yet do not get the glory and media attention that we hoped we would get. even the most prominent school choir winning big time at some really big international choir competition wouldn't get as much publicity as the SEA Games; then again, very often we don't even get Any publicity.

you're probably thinking that i'm going to get all fired up to speak my case against the country's treatment to promising choirs, bands, dance groups and instrumental ensembles who have the highest hopes of achieving excellence in their field of expertise. to answer that throbbing question then, i would say as much as i don't like the way we're being treated, i start to ask myself now "What exactly drives us to pursue the arts?"

you see, i've been to a few international choral competitions around the globe during my time in choir (not as much as my really good seniors, but still suffices for me to talk about it) and i realised that there was a trend of rallying everybody together during the final build-up to the competition to put in that bit more effort, for what? "To win the Gold medal" / "To win the Grand Prize" / "To top our category" / "To bring glory to Singapore" (okay, i don't normally hear the last one, but still i know there are some loyal singing lions out there). are they not what we use to hear?

i was challenged to think about this - to reconsider the driving force as to what drives my passion to sing. if i were to sing my part well, and blend perfectly with the choir just so that we can win the gold medal, a grand prize or even to top our categories participated in, what joy do we derive from it? such a joy is short-lived. yes the meomory of winning at riva del garda still resounds fresh in my head, but the joy of touching the grand prize in italy was short-lived; it lasted for the moment.

recently, i also had the priveledge of watching the accalaimed musical CATS and what struck me in the cast's performance wasn't just their perfect acting skills nor their singing techniques (they were fantastic in both, just by the way thing). instead, it was their joy of acting and singing just so that they could tell a story to us, the unknowing crowd of baboons. it was their enthusiasm that struck me as a performer and as an entertainer. the cast performs nearly every night at different locations all over the world over a long span of months the same piece over and over and over and over again.

now tell me, if their joy came from the last number, how tired would they feel after doing it over and over again numerous times? if they derived their joy from a standing ovation, and did not get it do they feel they've failed? if their joy comes from applause but the crowd is just unresponsive do they wallow in self-pity and conden themselves? i never actually talked to any of them personally, but this is my take on the matter. they considered the simplest act of performing through song, dance and drama as pure joy; to be able to sing out their heartfelt emotions, that was their joy.

now looking back on my choir days, they weren't wasted. nope, not a single bit because through the practices, we forged close friendships. but nevertheless, what joy did i derive from it? if i had not enjoyed myself and found joy in the simplest act of performing through choral singing, then maybe i'd have to rethink driving force behind this 'passion'

i know tomorrow is the SYF for JC Choirs, yet another competition. through this blog entry i'm not promoting a slack culture and attitude to strong choral singing techniques, i'm merely making my point known that sometimes we have to think more with our heart, rather than with our desire to kill.

the performing arts is a genre unlike the sports, where we don't go all out to kill; instead we touch lives through our repertoire, body movements and acting. everything we do comes from our emotions, our inner being, our state of mind, everything internal. we ought to think with our heart and not be driven by our thirst of winning a competition.

so the question still remains,
have You touched a life yet?

CATS

ah, CATS.

i've never really loved cats,
nor have i ever liked them.
especially the small ones with 'furry tails'
and 'cute lil' paws'; nope,
i've never liked them.

they prance around the land
scratching and creeping,
lurking around in dark corners
not to mention their eyes; nope,
i've never liked them.

at least i'm more forgiving to
their bigger counterparts
lions, cheetahs, leopards, pumas
beautiful coat of skin, but still
none compares to the wild dogs; comparatively,
i've never liked them.

but take these feline creatures
from the house and turn them to
dancing, singing twirling creatures
gyrating to the beat of jazz and the big band;
speaking in human language, not random meows;
perhaps, just perhaps
i might have started a new love for cats.

CATS, the musical that is.

it was the best i've ever seen,
and possibly the most entertaining and exciting one ever.

LIKE FINALLY, SPEEDLIGHT'S FIRST EVER NIGHT CYCLING EVENT IS OVER. albeit this entry comes fourteen hours after the end of the event, i still have to pay tribute to many people.

to deirdre - YOU'VE BEEN AWESOME WOMAN. thanks for pushing me on to get the stuff ready for this event. if you were just as nua as me, i bet this event would have been a complete disaster. so thanks for all that. YES YES, FOR ALL THE BREAD-EATING MOMENTS TOO.

to vinnie, douggie - thanks for being so supportive of deirdre and myself in the planning of the event. your suggestions and constructive comments did challenge us but nevertheless helped us to always be ahead of any possible problems that may arise. IT'S BEEN AWESOME WORKING WITH YOU FELLAS IN OFFICE!

to justin, shimin - thanks for patiently waiting for us at the designated carparks and places where even the mata came to visit us. i apologise for the times i had you guys change places when the plans changed, and i'd hope you understand. thanks for everything!

to elizabeth, our friendly sparklight co-OJL - thanks for all the laughter in the office and even for joining us in supporting our event. YOU WERE AWESOME IN MAKING US LAUGH AT THE DARNDEST THINGS EVER, EVEN IF IT WAS ABOUT YOUR ESPIRIT UMBRELLA.

to thiha pine - thanks for being a great co-organiser with dee and i for this event. thanks for joining us for the recce that nice lovely afternoon! YOU WERE GREAT IN RALLYING THE PEOPLE TOGETHER WHEN THE OTHER THREE OF US WERE TIRED FROM ORGANISING AND PLANNING. AWESOME STUFF MAN.

to chin xiang - thanks for staying back with me all the time when i was the last man. your presence there ensured my sanity and kept me well and alive even at the lowest of my energy levels. your spirit of enthusiasm for this event, patience towards others and selfless spirit is a blessing to others around you, and i've got lots to learn from you. keep shining for the Lord dude.

to the mentors and leaders - you guys did a fantastic job in accounting strength and making sure that everybody in your group was well and alive (thank goodness). your spirit of enthusiasm and energy was superb and i'd like to commend you on that. :)

finally, to EVERYBODY WHO JOINED US (LEW - Elizabeth, Chin Xiang, Andrew, Gene, Amanda, Jacky, Sarah Joseph, Ben, Marcus, Gladys, Natalie; LET - Grace, Shu Hua, Gordon, Kenny, Gregory, Alvin, Charmain, Joel, Leon Chng, Joseph, my sister Sheryl, Leon Tan, Arielle, Lousia, Patrina, Jian Yang, ah Boon, Salome and Lynn) - THANKS FOR COMING AND SUPPORTING US IN THIS EVENT. IT WAS ENCOURAGING FOR ME TO SEE EACH ONE OF YOU ENCOURAGING ONE ANOTHER, SPURRING ONE ANOTHER ON DURING THE COURSE AND I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A FANTASTIC TIME MINGLING AND FELLOWSHIPPING WITH ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THIS EVENT. LET THIS NIGHT BE ETCHED IN YOUR MEMORIES. LET'S CONTINUE TO SERVE ONE ANOTHER IN PATIENCE AND LOVE AS SPEEDLIGHT, A BODY OF CHRIST, STRIVES FOR MORE GLORY AND EXCELLENCE FOR OUR LORD!

i know i haven't been updating the blog as much as i want to so here's a quick update of what's been going on with me and whatever's been running through my grey matter.

i have been working, with a night cycling event this thursday evening through to friday morning. and that would be accounted as work to me. how awesome is that - how can i not say i love my job. oh well, nonetheless preparations for it has been pretty draining on some days and honestly i havent been sleeping much. so much so that when i woke up at 0720 this morning, i was pretty surprised at how awake i was despite the little amount of rest i had the nights before. seems like the Lord is true to His promises, that His mercies are new every morning.

onto matters of the heart.

i've been learning many things of which i don't intend to share on this public portal. nonetheless, my prayer is that out of these lessons i may, and by faith will find a love that goes beyond human measure. suffice to say, i'm still learning. what got me all started? well, let's just say a small talk with the boys helped me search for the answers within.

lastly, here's to all my dearest kids who are preparing for their exams: IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT STUDYING. no, i don't mean that. ha, it's good that you take time off to go online and be connected to the world. your textbooks don't bring you very far into imaginations, only dreams and as we all know, dreams occur only when we sleep. nonetheless, my prayers are with and for you everyday that every single one of you would continue to excel in your studies, have an excellent health and superb time management both during preparations and at the exams proper. continue to walk closely with the Lord kids; talk to Him about your struggles and fears, He'll listen. as much as i want to be with you all, you know i can't divide myself into portions. but i do know that the Lord is with every single one of you, just as He is with me.

for that, i know you guys are in good hands
and i am encouraged.

love you all :)

i do wonder how many actually believe
that 'beauty is only skin deep'

and then i wonder how well that
would bode for me

today hasn't been a good day

financial woes,
kids' exams-trip clash,
ICT call-up,
and a small bit of You.

i want to sleep all these things off
and retreat to the back of my head
forget the world for that short few hours
of pitch darkness, and utter silence.
for then, the world will stop turning
everything ceases, but life still goes on.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
on that promise i shall stand.

why do people say that guys from boys schools are weird?

you know what,
i think they are;
i think we are;
i think i am.

but it's always heartening to know that every step along the way, in school and even when we're waaaay out of it, there's always a brother behind you - watching your back, always encouraging, always supportive. without saying, there's also much admonishment between us. it's strange that we can be so open with one another but yet live such seperate lives.

maybe that's the type of brotherhood we enjoy.
maybe that's why we're weird.

i commented at the dinner table that for 5 years since we knew one another as a class, we've been having such random dinners either after aep lessons, or after a long hard day working on our aep project, and even during our ns days, we still made time for one another. such dinners never seemed to be a rarity, it seemed so common. but despite the many meals together, there's always something for us to talk about; there's always something for us to gain, to give encouragement and to be encouraged.

and then i asked them, 10 years from now will we still have such common random meals together? reyneth coolly replied, "yea, with our kids all over the place." uhhuh, trust the only attached boy at the dinner table to say that.

but you know what?
as long as we have these dinners;
as long as we have each other,
i don't care much about the kids.

aih, nostalgia.

HOTBULBS' AWESOME NIGHT CYCLING

urgh, this is one of those rare moments i talk about a particular event per se in proper paragraphs, unlike past entries where barely half a sentence or a phrase took up one line. but to make it even more special than the past entries, i'm writing this entry Right After the event took place. so you can imagine a smell, dirty lil' boy - with washed hands on his keyboard, most certainly - typing this supposedly short/ long essay (of which he still cannot decide)

the whole event was so eventful, no pun intended, but it was sure packed with good memories. we recorded so many 'firsts' for our cell through this event. this event is in itself our FIRST EVENT for 2009. it is also the FIRST TIME we start an outing at midnight. it is also the FIRST TIME we have supper at supper time. it is also the FIRST TIME we did night cycling as an activity together. it is also the FIRST TIME we attempted such a feat. not to mention, it is the FIRST TIME (surprisingly) beatrice could join us for a physically-demanding activity.

everything was just awesome. it wasn't perfect - definitely not, but it worked out really well. a route was planned, but it was easily modified to suit our physical and emotional needs, especially towards daybreak.

nevertheless, it was really because of the Lord's blessings that led to such a successful event. and as such, His blessings we should and will never forget.

there were NO INJURIES! ('cept for a punc-zheh tyre)
there was NO RAIN! (despite seeing thunder since 8pm)
we had GREAT FELLOWSHIP
we had GREAT BONDING TIME
we had a SMASHING TIME.

for all these things and MORE, to God be the Glory.

to my dear hotbulbs: i do hope you guys really enjoyed yourself thoroughly throughout the event. aiyoh, butt pain sure kenna one; sore calf and thigh muscles also sure have one. come home smelly smelly, OF COURSE LA! but i think let's look beyond all this stuff, and really treasure the small moments of solitude we had with God, with ourselves and with each other. it's really awesome to see you guys talking and mingling even without the leaders (HMPH! RACHEL AND I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR CONVO LA! HAHHAHA. DO I MAKE US SOUND DESPERATE?)

- but yea, can i safely say you guys had a smashing time just as i had?
- please sound out to rachel/ i if there were any problems that needed fixing or even improvements! that's how we all learn from each other ya?

awesome time spent overnight.
simply awesome.

i was thinking,

does free will destroy mutuality?

ok, fine.

does free will affect mutuality?

it's been two years since i received my a level results
it's been two years since i felt utterly defeated
it's been two years since i fell to my knees
it's been two years since i last cried

but it's also been two years of growing,
albeit with much pain.

two years on, and here i am:
two years on, not knowing how my past affected today
two years on, i've bounced back from defeat
two years on, i've grown stronger; matured

and i remember still, everything i went through
.
i've tasted the goodness of the Lord
i've seen the faithfulness of the Lord
i've felt the comforting hand of the Lord

ultimately who i am today...
i thank God.

from The Straits Times, Life section
Thursday, February 26 2009, Page C3
"When choir boys 'lose' their voice"

this was what a St Thomas Boys Choir boy had to say of his experience in choir - "He said: 'Being in the choir demands so much work, but you do get something out of it. It's a special feeling when you sing Bach and feel the history and tradition behind the choir." (italics mine)

somehow, i felt i could relate to that statement
& i wonder how many choristers out there can too
the joys of singing are truly inexplicable.