trust me, nothing's changed

I travelled home by bus today, again. While that was nothing new, this thought was.

 

Okay, it wasn't. The thought was more of a reminder than anything fresh from the oven. But I think it's worth penning it down, just in case in the months or years to come someone within this body of mine will chance upon it and realise new things about a self that lies beyond this body; so here goes.

 

I travelled home by bus today, again. And as the bus moved along the road, I looked up and there it was hanging in the skies on thin threads --- the moon. It wasn't a full moon, nay it was a thin crescent. Yet the lit white-puffy clouds almost gave it a surreal look, like it was a magical halloween night.

 

A thought flew right smack into the head and I was taken back to a distant past, a distant realm. A realm so far, it was an entirely different place. I recall the moments in starlight walking past the vehicles and admiring the beautiful artworks of the Creator both in the skies and the foliage before me. I recall the mornings of beautiful sunrises and the evenings painted an eclectic mix of blues, reds and orange. The blending of colours in the sky was superb and till today, I have not seen anything quite like it. The best part of it, or not, was that I spent it all alone.

 

Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. No one likes to be lonely, but everyone likes to be alone at times. I love being alone; it's my time with God; it's also my time with 'me'. So those mornings up and down that ramp, past the vehicles (twice) and into that darn room, yup those were alone times. And I recall the moments when I raise my voice in worship, aloud, and in thanksgiving for the opportunity for starlight. It is still an opportunity I cherish; those remain to be moments I relish.

 

And here I am, travelling home by bus again. I am alone, but not lonely --- or at least the pangs of loneliness had not yet assaulted me. I realise I have not changed a single bit. Here I am, back in the land I call home, the land I grew up in and I just read Connell's book and am somewhat stressed out at the list of things I have to do for just one final year project, I realise I have not changed a single bit; no, not one single bit.

 

I may be alone, but I have grown up alone. I grew up alone fighting for myself; yes I am a fighter. So I shall fight on in this battle with academia. I shall fight on because I have done so for the past years of my life. This is not to say I have no friends to confide in; fact is, I do. But I have conditioned myself all these years to be independent and fight for myself. Alone-ness, yea even loneliness, is no excuse for shit attitudes and shit work; it is defnitely not an excuse to back down and give up.

 

This is me, this is who I am.

late night thoughts

The time is 2am and I'm up talking with the Lord and then I said something to Him that kinda made mre realise only later that it was a good summary of my thoughts for the past few occasions. The line that I said was: 

"I don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do."

And it's true; I don't. At the end of my life, I'm only answerable to God for my time and resources spent and as reminded in Ecc 5, He wants me to really, really enjoy life --- I can't do that if I have no joy in Him! The world demands from me (us) the need/promise for wealth, status and prestige. I've decided to not make those demands from the world my ends but the blessings of God whom I must primarily seek to please first. I simply don't owe the world an explanation for doing and choosing the things I do.

Then I thought of my social location and position:

One of the greatest social injustice is the privileged recognising their privileged position as the norm; just how myopic can any fool get?

I cannot, cannot take it when people in privileged positions assume that their choices are the norm and everyone else should follow them. Those who fail to conform to that 'norm' is deemed weird and somewhat undesirable. I don't deny that getting a prestigious scholarship or going to a prestigious college overseas promises great rewards, but if the scholarship, college and its subesquent promises of wealth, status and prestige become the ends, then I highly urge one to reconsider their decision in the light of His Word. It is a social injustice because we use these wealth, status and privilege for ourselves instead to returning some to the dis-privileged --- I intentionally use that word because there are kids halfway around the globe who have their privileges stolen from them.

Don't you dare give me this crap that "I should go overseas because my friends are there" or even "cause it's cool".

Relationships.

So here's the deal about relationships: I'm not opposed to them amongst youths, I'm just not completely for them. Here's why.

(1) This just ain't the right season.

(2) Not many at that age are ready for marriage anyway.

(3) For the boys-men, girls are not meant to be our trophies for us to brag about.

(4) For friends getting attached, in the event of a break-up the group is forced to take sides which leads to the fragmentation of the once-tight-knit group of friends.

(5) All of the above just ain't gonna bring God the glory He deserves.

--------------------------------

I ain't jealous; instead I'm sorrowful.

If we believe that God has great plans for us, why can't we recognise too then that He has great plans for us in the area of our marriage and relationships?

beginning thoughts of the intern

I started my summer internship yesterday, 21 May 2012 at St Andrews Secondary School.

All I can say or describe the experience is --- I am very, very blessed; and for the following reasons

(1) My teaching supervisor is damn ups.

(2) The staff here are exceedingly, unashamedly friendly --- always taking the first initiative to make us newbies feel terribly at home.

(3) I have been tasked to teach (already!) English Oral tomorrow because my supervisor wants me to experience all forms and styles of teaching... this kind of supervisor WHERE TO FIND?!

(4) I have been tasked to prepare the slides and be part of a mega-project.

So thus far, the experience has been WOW.

There is indeed so, so much to thank God for.

Yet this morning, as I walked towards the bus stop to catch the bus to the station, I prayed and was reminded of Matthew 6:33 which says "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you".

What struck me was the placement of this verse in context to the rest of Jesus's sermon on the mount. The preceding verses all speak of Sovereign God's providence for us, His children. We are worth so much more than the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, and if He provides for His creation, surely He will provide so much more for us!

So as I begin to consider (more) seriously now the prospects of working in this profession, here I am reminded of one's vocation as a calling. Even as I take on the abovementioned roles, duties and tasks, I don't want to amass for myself treasures --- yes, that which includes good impressions and/or praises and acclaim from others. And even as I think about the salaries offered - practical stuff - I don't want to do/ not do this solely because of the material benefits.

Surely my God is more than enough to meet all of my needs according to His riches and glory! 

One then understands the summary of the quoted chapter; it says "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles" (v.34).

Come to think of it, the hymn we sang today is amusingly...

"He's able! He's able!

I know He's able!

I know my God is able

to carry me through"

WHAT A (COHERENT) JOY! :D

Just a couple of hours ago, I received a call.

the call.

The way to social change is not to change, even revolutionise, the social system but by teaching and empowering our youths in realising that they too can make a difference in someone else's life.

I just went for my last Medical Sociology lecture and it was bloddy depressing considering the social structure of Singapore. We are not only class-conscious but also class-anxious. Let's not even talk about having quality of life if we can't even survive with the capital we have or will earn. We are anxious for the future and the strangely, the hope that we'd do better than our parents' generation still lurks mysteriously in our optimistic mind.

Marx was over-simplistic --- the social structure cannot be changed overnight. I wonder then what the hell am I studying Sociology for. I remember feeling this way when I took an Economic Sociology module; seems like nothing has changed huh. And here I am faced with the dilemma of deciding to work as an educator or to pursue a post-graudate degree, I still wonder where's my place in the world.

So I come to my conclusion: since I cannot possibly revolutionise the world and change the social structure, start small and begin with the youths. Whatever I choose --- to study or to work --- immediately after graduation, will definitely be about educating our youths and empowering them to begin their own mini-revolutions themselves. Of course the question I ought to ask then is: Which group of students should I educate --- High School, Pre-University or College?

Father, reveal more and more of Your plan for me. I know you're calling me into teaching, into the education profession. But I pray you show me, increasingly, the group of youths you want me to empower most effectively. Empowerment doesn't stem from me but from You; I am but Your conduit and I'm only honoured to be considered as one. Show me Lord, show me.

Remember this Darren, remember this.

will you?

Today's one of those days where you just don't feel like talking to anyone and simply, well, be alone. I reckon people will question my emotional state but really I just don't feel like talking. Funny thing about it all is how even though I don't want to talk, I do wish to be around people; ah, the irony of it all: to want to be alone yet be around people. It's one of those lil' ironies of the heart (I believe) that I'm pretty sure some can relate to. Maybe what I need is some time alone by the sea, look out into the horizon and contemplate the goodness and mercies of God. But that time alone ought to be shared with another; here's where I believe a true friend is darn important. He need not speak much, he only needs to be there. A true friend's presence is more than enough comfort for me.

There isn't a need to ask, neither is there a need to explain. Because honestly, I don't have any answer for the reasons of my current state. It's also not because I don't want to share; it's really because I have no answer for myself.

I'm not complaining about helming leaders' cell tonight; I'm also not complaining about needing to submit three assignments during and immediately after the Good Friday - Easter holiday weekend. I take joy in these things when they come my way and I don't even consider them trials and tribulations. So it's not what I have to do that's causing this; in fact, I don't think there is a real need to find that answer.

Perhaps this is the answer I need --- a song I was singing while walking home from the bus stop.

"Deep in my soul is a tug-of-war

I'm struggling to know what this life is for;

I try so hard to stay in control

- to hold back the tears, to not let go.

I don't know why I hang on so long

when I know the question you are asking me.

(and it goes)

"Will you worship?

Will you bow down
- before your Lord and King?

Will you love me

- will you give me your heart,
your everything?"

tis' my prayer: take my cup, fill it up and make me whole // thy will be done, not mine // for thine is the kingdom, power and glory forever and ever // amen.